Chapter 144: “Is the winter sea even colder than our lives.”

“This time I should have died from acute myocardial infarction. Before I died, I had a complete physical examination, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with me, just lack of sleep, and told me to rest well... but I still died, while pulling an all-nighter to meet a deadline. So you see, doctors can't help me.”

“So that's why you refused to take your medicine, and also attacked the orderly who called you to get up this morning?”

The woman in the white coat pushed up her glasses, her expression was stern, the pen in her hand was recording in a notebook.

The young man said softly: “I'm sorry, Dr. Zhang.”

The pen in Dr. Zhang's hand paused.

She raised her head, and scrutinized the young man in front of her from top to bottom.

Chu Zu, 24 years old, height one meter ninety-two, weight 81kg.

He was sent to the mental hospital when he was twelve years old, the diagnosis report showed positive for schizophrenia, with obvious symptoms of hallucinations and disordered thinking.

Pathology also detected dysfunction in his central dopaminergic system, and slight atrophy of the temporal lobe.

——The case file was written this way.

Unlike the schizophrenia patients Dr. Zhang had come into contact with in the past, Chu Zu looked very “normal”, his speech and behavior showed no abnormalities.

Although there were cases where the early stages of the illness were difficult to distinguish, he was very different from ordinary cases severe enough to cause neurological degeneration of the brain.

Chu Zu was also looking directly at her, his skin cold and white, his long narrow eyes were suffused with a pretty light red, even from a polite distance one could see his thick eyelashes, and the dark bluish shadow under his eyes deepened by the light's projection.

It was precisely that motionless shadow that changed the subtlety of Chu Zu's facial features, he sat on the chair, his whole person presenting a detached instability, yet his gaze was very heavy.

Chu Zu's condition had worsened again.

Dr. Zhang: “Last time we talked about your condition, have you felt any changes recently?”

Chu Zu's gaze drifted for a moment, Dr. Zhang followed his gaze and turned her head.

He was looking at the corner of the room, it was clean, there was nothing there.

After a moment of silence, Chu Zu suddenly became talkative.

“I've been here since I was a child, I could only learn about the outside from books and television, I held certain fantasies about the outside world, so I arranged many identities, many professions for myself.”

“I always felt I died for various reasons, and could describe the entire death process in detail to the doctors. You all suspected I had an anti-social personality, constantly simulating various unnatural deaths in my mind.”

“But I am also in the midst of a positive social education, I know what is right, and what is wrong, so the deceased in my delusions is often myself.”

After he finished his statement, he twisted his black hair, and asked: “Can you give me a hair tie?”

Chu Zu's hair had grown to his shoulders.

Because he had a prior record of attempting to strangle an orderly with a hair tie, the hospital staff dared not give him anything, nor did they dare to have someone come cut his hair——the last person who approached with scissors, got a hole the diameter of a pigeon's egg stabbed in their thigh.

Dr. Zhang: “Is that gentleman still communicating with you?”

Chu Zu again cast his gaze to the empty corner.

The shadow in the corner said to him: “They only believe what they are willing to believe.”

So Chu Zu shook his head: “There is no gentleman, he is just my fantasy... right, Dr. Zhang?”

Dr. Zhang didn't speak for a full three minutes.

No one expected the hospital's patients to recover, the people who sent them to the hospital didn't care if they lived or died, the doctors, nurses, and orderlies were the entirety of the patients' daily lives.

She had been with Chu Zu for twelve years, she was very clear on whether he was hiding something.

His biological age was 24, influenced by a life of long-term confinement, his thoughts were abnormally simple and direct——it was precisely because they were simple and direct that it was strange.

Adults find it difficult to replicate the simple, carefree purity of childhood, and children also cannot analyze stimuli that exceed their sensory cognition.

Chu Zu happened to be right in the middle of the two.

Just like a child will drape a bedsheet and start fantasizing he is Superman, he could also, after being injected with a sedative and falling into a deep sleep, delude himself into another complex and exquisite experience.

What worried the doctors was, the lives Chu Zu deluded himself into often had no good results.

But Dr. Zhang no longer had the energy to manage anything.

A high salary couldn't win back the doctors driven away by the patients, she was also resigning next week.

Dr. Zhang stood up, took a medicine bottle from the cabinet behind her, shook out a few pills, and poured a glass of water, placing it in front of Chu Zu.

Chu Zu swallowed the pills under her gaze, and opened his mouth to show he wasn't secretly hiding them.

Dr. Zhang instructed: “Take your medicine properly, listen to the doctor. The nurses and orderlies mean you no harm, relax, Chu Zu, you will recover.”

Chu Zu got up, tidied his blue and white striped patient uniform: “Goodbye, Dr. Zhang.”

After returning to his room, Chu Zu immediately spat out the pills in his throat, and threw them out the barred window.

The shadow in the corner said in disapproval: “Dr. Zhang was doing it for your own good.”

A little earlier, Chu Zu had grabbed the orderly's neck, pinned him desperately against the bedside, the orderly struggled and tore the bedsheet, and also kicked the bed leg crooked... it had all been tidied up clean now.

Seeing the new bed, the new bedsheets, Chu Zu belatedly felt a little guilty.

He seemed to really have a mental illness, the so-called more than three thousand bizarre deaths, were all delusions caused by his pathology.

The delusions often caused him to have extreme reactions.

But the delusions also had benefits, for example, the gentleman in the corner that only he could see.

Black hat, black suit, black leather shoes, black cane——this was all Chu Zu could see, because this gentleman was always at a distance of about two meters from him, and had his back to him.

Chu Zu called him Gentleman.

After waking up startled last night, Gentleman explained many things to him, and following his explanation, many memories appeared in Chu Zu's mind.

His own identity, and real experiences distinct from his delusions.

Chu Zu held a skeptical attitude, he had no sense of immersion in this life, on the contrary, the countless deaths were closer to him, he could smell the scent of life ending just by breathing.

Gentleman explained: Because people are only willing to believe what they want to believe, you don't like the mental hospital.

In Dr. Zhang's office, Gentleman also comforted Chu Zu this way.

“If I take the medicine, I shouldn't be able to see you?”

Chu Zu sat on the bed.

“You won't, I am not your delusion.”

In Chu Zu's memory, this was not the first time Gentleman had answered this question, his temper was very good, extremely patient.

Chu Zu was still searching for the feeling of getting along with him, Gentleman was closer than in his memory, and he was the only one helping him leave the mental hospital.

Gentleman told him last night, it was time to leave this place.

Chu Zu remembered he had tried to leave more than once, but he was clumsy, his body couldn't keep up with his plans, and he failed to run out several times.

Thanks to Gentleman's timely reminder, he managed to return to his room before the orderly discovered him, avoiding the ending of being strictly controlled.

Gentleman was omniscient, he knew everything about Chu Zu, and also knew everything about the mental hospital, he also seemed to understand the truths of the world——that's why he wanted him to go to that building.

Dr. Zhang said, you can listen to the voice your delusions make, that is your own voice, but you cannot believe it without a doubt, no matter how erudite the delusion, the upper limit is always only yourself, and you are a patient.

You are a mental patient, Chu Zu.

Chu Zu made an “ng” sound, he had wanted to answer Dr. Zhang, but then belatedly realized he didn't need to answer the dialogue he just thought of, from his memory.

Gentleman advised him to rest, they had been chatting all last night, only ample sleep could guarantee sufficient energy.

Chu Zu lay on the bed, preparing to sleep, as he closed his eyes, he seemed to hear an unfamiliar “Go to bed early and wake up early, eat three meals at regular times, if you could just exercise a little bit, that would be great, really, just a little bit.”

Chu Zu's body jolted as if electrocuted, he remembered a name: Sidney.

“Do I know any children?”

Chu Zu asked with his eyes closed.

Gentleman: “Dr. Zhang wouldn't let you come into contact with children.”

“What about small animals?”

“None of those either.”

“Who is Sidney?”

“When you wake up, you can go to the library and see, Sidney is there.”

“Okay.”

I seem to have found the feeling of getting along with him.

Chu Zu thought, Gentleman won't lie to me, and he's more reliable than Dr. Zhang, he won't get close, and he won't leave.

He made Chu Zu feel safe.

Little yellow chicken wanted to look at the main text a few more times, but the panel had already been snatched away by the Superior.

A few superior little chickens came to the office to discuss a plan.

They had never seen this situation either, they tried to break through the firewall, but were all blocked.

Very wrong, the firewall only targeted 「Side Character」 correction, its restrictions on other departments shouldn't be that strong.

If they were compared to various viruses, the firewall was a targeted drug, precisely attacking one virus, but finding it hard to deal with other strains.

The 「Long Aotian Correction」 Superior immediately reacted, glaring at Little yellow chicken's Superior: “Did you secretly raise the authority of 「Side Character」 correction?!”

The Superior's expression didn't change: “I didn't violate the rules.”

The 「Long Aotian Correction」 Superior immediately started cursing: “You damn dead chicken, I treated you as a brother chicken, and you want to climb over our heads! If it wasn't for your specialist having an accident, were you just waiting to usurp power and become our leader!”

The 「Hard to let go Correction」 little chicken saw the situation was bad, and hurried out to break up the fight.

It and the Long Aotian chicken were at best 'rookie chickens pecking each other', the 「Side Character」 correction's Little blue chicken was no 'flower shelf' (empty display), it could fight ten chickens!

“Stop arguing, let's solve the current problem first——why did nothing happen when other specialists went in before? Your specialist, aside from being a bit more handsome, a bit taller, a bit more capable, a bit more scheming, a bit better-tempered, he doesn't seem to have any other special features?”

“...”

The Superior said, “Sometimes I really want to dig out all your chicken brains and feed them to the dogs.”

Little yellow chicken deeply sympathized.

What time was it, and they were still trying to poach!

It had figured it out, the only reliable one was its own iron-blooded Superior, at least it was still frantically looking for a solution.

What stupid chickens the other superiors were!

“Don't think this doesn't concern you, this is very dangerous, the specialists' deployment and retrieval already easily cause them to develop cognitive deviation.”

The Superior said coldly.

“Their memories are bound to the system, if they resign and leave, they can still decide if they want to save this part of their work memories. If they are forcibly isolated from the system, this part of the memory is also stripped away——you haven't forgotten this point, right?”

The other little chickens nodded.

“Right now Chu Zu's new setting is a mental patient, he will very easily believe and accept that he is mentally ill, even if he remembers things about the system, he will think it's a delusion.”

Placing the panel where Little yellow chicken had laid out the main text in front of them, the Superior continued.

“He is a high-quality talent who is a bit more handsome, a bit taller, a bit more capable, a bit more scheming, a bit better-tempered than the average specialist——even he is like this, what do you think will happen to your specialists when they face this kind of thing?”

The 「Long Aotian Correction」 chicken snorted coldly: “But all the signs indicate, this is a malicious incident targeting your side characters, and has nothing to do with us...”

Superior: “Didn't I ‘secretly’ raise the authority of 「Side Character Correction」? Your code was partially overwritten by mine, all malicious BUGs targeting my department will hit you all the same.”

“...”

“You... weren't this kind of tyrant chicken before.”

The 「Hard to let go Correction」 little chicken said with difficulty.

The Superior said flatly: “I also learned a few things from Chu Zu, to prepare for a rainy day.”

It pointed at the panel, “If we can't solve this, none of you can expect to have an easy time.”

What the Superior said to the host before, “you cannot die”, really wasn't a lie.

Little yellow chicken thought.

At that time, the host had summarized it as “for both emotional and logical reasons, I will guarantee you won't die from an accident”, and Little yellow chicken still felt the host thought too highly of the Superior.

But that was just what the Superior thought, and it was also what it did.

The only thing it couldn't guarantee was Chu Zu's thoughts, it would fight with all its might for the things it should fight for.

And in the main text, Chu Zu had already had a sleep, he was woken up by the orderly for lunch.

After lunch, as Gentleman said, he went to the library accompanied by an orderly.

A private mental hospital that accepted long-term patients was equivalent to half a prison, just that the environment was a bit better, the facilities a bit more complete, the sky-high hospitalization fees allowed them to build a small world separate from society.

The one thing the small world didn't lack was books.

The hospital didn't allow patients to access mobile phones, there were no short videos or fast-paced fragmented narratives, which instead allowed them to develop the patience that modern people lack——with the exception of patients with a pathological lack of concentration.

Chu Zu belonged to the very patient category of patients.

Following Gentleman's reminder, he accurately found “Sidney” in a small corner of the library.

《Neon Crown》, a novel published in May 2024.

Sidney was a character inside, the illegitimate son of the little Boss, the adopted son of the big Boss.

——The Big Boss had the same name as Chu Zu.

Not only the same name, in the small parts of physical description, he and Chu Zu were not much different.

Chu Zu understood a little, he must have read this book, the character in the book had something he envied, he wanted to possess it for himself, and the delusion was born from this.

Besides 《Neon Crown》, Chu Zu also found 《King of All Kings》 published in the same year, 《Fifty Billion Years of Solitude》 published in February 2019, 《The Third Economic Law》 published in December 2025, 《Death by Entertainment》 published in October 2018...

Chu Zu first skimmed through a round, and became more convinced his judgment was correct.

“Chu Zu” firmly believed in the things he pursued; Zui's confidence was unshakable, he didn't need anyone's approval, but instead snatched the world that didn't approve of him into his own hands; The lonely Azul dispersed the loneliness; Zu Qisheng and Zu Qian could always find the right survival rules in their environment; Wanshu Zu had parents, had childhood friends, had friends who chased after him, had a career, had an infinitely bright future.

Although Chu Zu only vaguely remembered the name “Sidney”, and couldn't recall the others, he was sure——the characters in these books Gentleman had found for him, were all things Chu Zu longed for.

One afternoon was not enough time for Chu Zu to finish reading these books, the orderly wouldn't let him take the books back, only said to come again tomorrow.

Chu Zu asked Gentleman: Do I have time to come tomorrow?

Gentleman understood tacitly: We can leave after we finish reading.

Chu Zu: Thank you.

The orderly saw him talking to himself at the corner again, frowned and sighed inwardly, noted this down, planning to tell Dr. Zhang.

In the evening, Chu Zu watched a movie with fellow patients in the recreation room, the movie's title was 《Silent Peach and Plum》.

The fellow patients were crying their eyes out, it wasn't clear which plot point made them relate to the scene.

There weren't many people like Chu Zu who were hospitalized at a very young age, more were adults, they seemed to have loads and loads of normal youth to reminisce about, and once they reminisced, tears would fall in large drops.

Chu Zu's only thought was: I should have seen this movie.

Jiang Zu also had a quality he wanted: always optimistic and positive.

Chu Zu spent a week, going to the library during the day to read these few books, and reminiscing about his real past with Gentleman at night.

Gentleman was more willing to talk to him about those delusions related to death.

“At that time I should have also been a lunatic, but at the beginning I should have been normal.”

Chu Zu said, “The first time I died, I was seventeen, just came out of the college entrance exam, saw a parent slapping his daughter's face on the roadside, so I acted nosy and wanted to stop him.”

Gentleman: “That's not being nosy.”

“Then the parent stabbed me. Before my consciousness blurred, that girl was holding me and crying hard, I felt I was about to die, and thought, if only I could give my scores to her, then she wouldn't be beaten.”

Chu Zu remembered many deaths, the things before death were intermittent.

Memories, even memories in delusions, always retain the painful parts.

The more painful it was, the more he would recall it in detail, trying to find where things went wrong, at first wanting to avoid it, later wanting to escape, and after there was no way to escape, he could only adopt more extreme ways to protect himself.

“This was also something I learned from an auntie.”

Chu Zu said, “Forgot which rebirth it was, I returned to thirteen years old, it seems I had no parents, I don't remember very clearly...”

“At that time I was about to collapse, I ran out of the house, ran very far, and was almost hit by a car. I thought I was going to die again, but that car screeched to a halt in front of me.”

“An auntie got out of the car, her face was swollen, and there was blood on her forehead. I thought she was here to kill me, everyone wanted to kill me. After she saw me, she first wanted to strangle me, but when I was about to suffocate, she let go of her hands, and hugged me tightly.”

Chu Zu sat on the bed, hugging his legs, his hands continuously tightening.

“She apologized to me, and asked me where I lived, she would take me home. I said I wouldn't go back, I would die at home. She must have misunderstood something, and showed a very ugly expression.”

“The auntie let me get in the car, we left that city together, and went to many places. On the way, she received many phone calls, at first she would cry bitterly, right in the driver's seat, and every time after hanging up the phone, she would look at me with hatred.”

“The auntie asked if I wanted to go home, I said no, I would really die.”

“The auntie said she was the same, her man wanted her to die, and her son too.”

“At that time I discovered, she didn't hate me, if I were a girl, she would be very very good to me——actually, she was already very good to me.”

Gentleman: “She was a long-term victim of domestic violence, right?”

“Maybe.”

Chu Zu said, “Later she wanted to commit suicide, it was the first time I felt that death might not be a bad thing, I couldn't help her, it seemed no one could help her. So I said to her, then let's die together.”

“The auntie gave me a slap, very fiercely...”

The strength with which Chu Zu squeezed his arm grew greater and greater, he wasn't aware of it, trying to recall the auntie's face in his memory.

“We made a promise, neither of us would die.”

He said in a low voice, “Neither of us should die, we have to live until winter, go to the seaside together, to see if the winter sea is even colder than our lives. If we survived the winter sea, then what else couldn't we survive?”

Gentleman slowed his voice: “And later?”

“Later I died in the sea.”

Chu Zu said, “It's very funny, that was a rare sunny day, the winter sun was very warm, and the sea was very calm, a wave rolled in, and I didn't catch the auntie's hand.”

He paused, “I believe these are all my delusions, delusions are subjective, right, so the only one who died was me.”

Chu Zu gripped his arm tightly, his fingertips turning white, but the corners of his mouth were slightly raised, “I really hope that auntie survived that winter, that sea.”

Gentleman didn't comfort him, but just pointed him to another book.

On the book's flyleaf was written:

Precisely because he was always struggling, he was deeply favored by fate, which continuously added suffering and calamity upon him, and eagerly awaited the moment of his collapse.

“Will you collapse?”

Gentleman asked.

Chu Zu replied: “I won't.”

“Those are all delusions, I just...”

He thought of what Dr. Zhang said, “I've just been trapped here too long, and really want to go outside and see reality.”

“Okay.”

Gentleman was still two meters away from him, like a black shadow, and said in a warm voice, “Then I'll take you to see reality.”

“You're referring to that building?”

“Yes.”

That night, Dr. Zhang quietly went to Chu Zu's hospital room, and spoke for a while with the young man she had watched grow up for the last time.

After the small talk ended, Dr. Zhang left the mental hospital with her luggage.

The vehicle drove from the suburbs into the city, parked in the underground parking lot, Dr. Zhang opened the trunk, and in the dim light of the parking lot, she met a pair of scarlet eyes.

After a moment of astonishment, Dr. Zhang's body went limp.

Chu Zu caught her, carefully placed her on the back seat to lie down, removed the hair tie binding her hair, held it in his mouth, used his hand as a comb, and tidied his own shoulder-length hair.

Chu Zu tied his hair into a small braid, his vision finally widening a bit.

Gentleman waited quietly two meters away, Chu Zu used Dr. Zhang's finger to unlock her phone, and looked up the building the Gentleman had mentioned.

The location was very remote, like the mental hospital, both were in the suburbs, but at opposite ends of the city.

After noting the route, Chu Zu wrote “Thank you” in the phone's memo, placed the phone beside Dr. Zhang's face, and also opened the car window a crack for ventilation, carefully closed the trunk, Gentleman asked Chu Zu: Is there anything else you want to do? After entering that building, we probably won't be leaving for a long while.

Sidney's voice rang in his mind again.

Go to bed early and wake up early, eat three meals at regular times, if you could just exercise a little bit, that would be great.

Chu Zu had eaten dinner at the hospital, and his nap time was sufficient.

As for exercise, forget it, he didn't want to exercise.

“Nothing else.”

Chu Zu turned around, “Let's go.”