CHAPTER 48: A PAINTING TO REMEMBER (2)

Honestly, I felt the man beside me right now was more likely to be Dan Yuseong than the one in Anhui. I didn’t know how much the man in Anhui overlapped with Dan Yuseong, but I doubted it was more than the one in front of me. A past betrayed by a woman, traces of Huashan martial arts, and a shattered dantian. Add in the fact that he’d trained in the mountains for ten years, and it even explained why I hadn’t found him until now. No matter how sharp Huashan’s eyes were, they couldn’t scour every uninhabited mountain in the vast Central Plains.

’...I’d rather it not be him.’

But in my heart, I hoped he wasn’t Dan Yuseong. I’d rather the man in Anhui be him. At least then, I wouldn’t have committed the outrageous sin of harboring feelings for someone I’d need to atone to for life.

"...Take the lead. As promised, I’ll follow wherever you want to go."

I’d thought and thought about it the whole way here, but I still couldn’t find an answer. If he was Dan Yuseong, how should I react? With the fortune he’d read suggesting one of the two was likely Dan Yuseong, I had nowhere left to retreat. Atoning for a lifetime was a given, but I needed a more concrete plan. And right now, my biggest worry was how he’d react once he learned I was Soyeon’s master.

Just imagining him showing disgust and pushing me away made my chest ache. Thinking of him asking if I’d been deceiving him all this time choked me up, leaving me speechless. Pathetically, here was a woman who claimed she wanted to atone to him, yet didn’t want to be hated by him.

Grab.

"Lady Shin, what are you doing? There’s a lot to see over there!"

A warm, soft sensation touched my hand. He grabbed it and pointed toward some street performers, their drums and flutes weaving a lively tapestry in the square.

"..."

"Lady Shin?"

"Sorry... Really..."

Even as I thought this, even as self-loathing welled up inside me, the hand holding his now, the pure affection he was showing me—I wanted them so badly—I couldn’t let go.

’Just let me have this a little longer...’

I deceived myself. I forcibly suppressed the self-hatred rising within.

"Y-You don’t need to apologize with that kind of expression."

"No, I mean... I’ll head over soon."

Please, let today, at least, remain a good memory.

They say good times pass quickly. As if to prove it, my time with him flew by. I’d watched spiritual creatures with him in Henan, but that was cut short by sudden chaos, and back then, my feelings for him were still a mess. After that, he’d been bedridden, so we couldn’t go out.

"Lady Shin! Look at that waterfall! You can’t even see the end!"

Making this moment feel all the more precious. Since this was practically the last day I could purely enjoy with him.

"The pancakes here are delicious. Famous places really do live up to their reputation."

"Here’s some liquor you’ll like. It’s only brewed in this region, so it’ll probably feel fresh."

"Ooooh...!"

I wanted to give him as many good memories as possible.

"It was tough, but climbing the mountain was worth it. Good thing we didn’t miss the timing."

"...Though I practically dragged you up halfway."

"If you weren’t here, I’d have boldly skipped this part of the plan."

The sunset we saw from the mountain was truly beautiful.

["How is it? I told you it’d be worth the effort, didn’t I?"]

["It’s amazing, Master!"]

"..."

Seeing the same scene from ten years ago in the same place brought up a flood of thoughts. I could’ve avoided it, but I didn’t. It was the sin I’d left behind. Facing it was my natural duty.

"We should head back to the inn soon. The others are starting to leave too."

"...I suppose so."

It had been a joyful time. Before returning to the inn to end the day, I spotted an old man with a small board and brush. Probably someone making a living by drawing portraits.

"I..."

I started to speak toward him but quickly shut my mouth. Would there even be meaning in capturing this moment of him and me in a drawing? After all, he’d been with me all this time without knowing I was his enemy.

"...Let’s go."

"Want a drawing?"

I’d folded my thoughts and turned to leave, but he caught on to my feelings right away.

"No... I was just curious..."

"Well, since we’re here, getting one wouldn’t be a bad idea."

Though I could’ve stopped him, my body weakly followed his lead. The old man’s skill must’ve been good—we got the drawing quickly. It showed me cloaked in a robe and him in a similar robe, but with his face completely covered. It was oddly comical.

"Will you take it, Lady Shin?"

"Is that okay?"

"I’m a wanderer right now, so I don’t really have a place to hang it."

I didn’t refuse his offer. If this drawing ended up in his hands after I revealed my identity, it’d probably be torn apart or burned.

["Get rid of it all. Everything..."]

"...Thank you. I’ll treasure it."

I felt disgusted with myself, but just for today, I wanted to be a little selfish. I had lived ascetically all this time, after all.

+

"...Lady Shin? I don’t think I’m sick enough to need nursing anymore..."

The last moment.

Before he fell asleep.

Having decided to be selfish now, there was something I wanted to say.

"...Do you, by any chance..."

Even as I spoke, my throat closed up.

Even with my resolve steeled, it was hard to say aloud.

"...By any chance?"

"...What do you think of me?"

I said it.

I was certain.

I’d regret saying this.

But... it was something I could only say now.

This time with him,

My ability to hold myself together without collapsing into self-loathing—it’d end today.

Gulp

I waited for his mouth to open.

My gaze fixed on his lips, time naturally slowing down.

In moments like this, having a high cultivation was a curse.

It made the wait feel even longer.

"I think you’re a good person."

And his answer was,

Absurdly simple,

"...I see."