CHAPTER 30: DON’T TELL ME I’M THE PROBLEM?

Everyone had "escape hobbies". Partying, drinking, lovemaking, charity work, things they did to turn their brains off and forget about their problems for a little while. Sometimes, people did those hobbies to think about their problems; what better setting to lose oneself in one’s own thoughts than one in which you’re most comfortable?

In Lloyd’s case, his escape hobby was hiking. He did it every time he had something particularly troublesome on his mind, and he’d usually be out for hours at a time. Lyra remembered the time she’d initially suggested inviting Meredith the Life Warden to their party a few runs ago. He was "on a hike" for three days straight!

In Lyra’s case, her escape hobby was killing. It sounded insane, but it was the truth. When she was caught up on something and needed time to unwind, she’d usually pressure Lloyd into taking on a few garbage Quests like the kill-a-thon Quest Isobel had gotten them, split off from him, and go to town while thinking through whatever was bothering her. It was her old master, Mr. Shaw of the Adventurer’s Guild, who’d put her on to that method of self-therapy.

So, as she disintegrated goblin after goblin with Eldritch Blast after Eldritch Blast, Lyra figured there was no other place she’d rather be. There was far too much on her mind right now, and things had been moving so fast that she hadn’t had a time to properly process any of it. As annoyed as she was at Isobel for... everything, Lyra was at least grateful for the opportunity to finally take a step back and allow herself the opportunity to comb through her thoughts. Lyra took a deep breath, allowing her body to fight autonomously through a flow state while she finally let her mind run wild.

Everything came rushing at once. Her feelings for Lloyd, her feelings towards Isobel, and her confusion surrounding her own feelings regarding them both. Lyra wasn’t exactly sure whether she was jealous of Isobel or not, truth be told. On one hand, her perverse side was deeply intrigued by Isobel and Lloyd’s sexual relationship. Emotionally, however, the topic was far more complicated.

From the very beginning, before they’d ever faced the Demon Lord, Lyra had a perpetual fear of holding Lloyd back. As strong as he was, Lloyd was a bit... codependent. Perhaps it was due to their upbringing? The two of them only had one another back in the orphanage. Neither of them was adopted. Lloyd for being too timid and Lyra for being too independent. Nobody wanted a project. They wanted perfection. Flawlessness. Lyra never expected that out of her little Lloyd, and Lloyd never expected that out of his "big sister". All they wanted from each other was each other–the most authentic versions of themselves that they could be.

While Lyra herself managed to move past not being wanted at the orphanage, Lloyd hadn’t. Sure, in his late teens, he verbally said it was water under the bridge and didn’t affect him, but his inability to make friends, unwillingness to find love, and aversion to people other than Lyra herself made it clear that, deep down, he hadn’t

gotten over it.

Partying up with Meredith the Life Warden was such a positive step forward for him. He’d been outwardly reluctant due to a "lack of efficiency," which Lyra recognized as fear, but when she’d joined the party, albeit temporarily, Lloyd and she had hit it off. Meredith was an all-business kind of woman, and Lloyd was still terrified of love, so there hadn’t been anything romantic or sexual between them, but that was to be expected. Baby steps, right?

When that run failed, Lyra remembered the hurt on Lloyd’s face when they’d returned. To this day, he hadn’t ever admitted to missing Meredith, and he hadn’t suggested bringing her back, but there was a noticeable pep in his step every time they’d meet her again.

That was good. Lyra had gotten Lloyd to take a step forward, and, most importantly, she was there to watch it happen.

With Isobel, everything was thrown out of whack. It was a good thing, a great thing, that Lloyd had opened his heart so significantly for her. He’d finally allowed himself to find love and give himself to another. That was great!

But Lyra wanted to be there for it.

That was her role as his... what? Guardian? "Big Sister"? She’d proven that any sort of familial relationship was moot last night and this morning. She didn’t know what she wanted to be to him now. A friend? A close friend? A lover...?

"God, please don’t tell me I have a crush on fucking Lloyd... Please just tell me it was lust. I don’t want to ruin things between us..."

As Lyra considered what could’ve possibly brought those feelings on towards Lloyd, a picture started to form in her mind: a picture of her as Lloyd’s only

friend and confidant. He vented to her, cried to her, and laughed with her. Everything Lloyd did, he did with her. For as long as she knew, Lyra was Lloyd’s everything. Perhaps that status had gotten to her head? Perhaps she’d assumed that there was a silent, unspoken understanding that when the time came to explore relationships and sex, they’d do so together? Why wouldn’t they? They’d done everything else together?

"That’s all it is... Bitterness. I’m not in love with Lloyd, I’m just bitter that Isobel got to see a side of him that I haven’t yet. That’s all it is, truly."

When she looked at it like that, everything made sense. She’d gotten addicted to the feeling of being Lloyd’s only, and now that that wasn’t the case, she had to readjust. Yeah! Lyra knew deep down that Lloyd was a handsome, charming man. He deserved love, happiness, friendship–everything they’re fighting to let the people of Aspia continue to experience. He’d never do that if he were glued to her side for the rest of his life! Sure, it sucked that her little Lloyd was starting to spread his wings, but he had to. That’s what he deserved.

But... with Isobel Greaves...?

She’d shown herself to be impetuous. Sure, she wasn’t nearly as bad as her Demon Queen persona from the other timelines, but traces of that monster existed here! She was just as manipulative and haughty as the Demon Queen while somehow managing to be more insufferable!

But... was she, though?

Sure, she’d been annoying today, but... what had she really done? She’d attempted to sabotage the House sale, only for that fire to be snuffed out by her own feelings for Lloyd. She’d gotten the House a grant Lyra hadn’t known about, taught them vital information they didn’t know about Noble House ownership, then put them on a mission to get the ball rolling towards real progress. Her methods may be more roundabout than Lyra would like, and her manner of speaking is far too PTSD-inducing, but... this Isobel Greaves isn’t bad.

"Goddamn it.... Don’t tell me I’m the problem..."