CHAPTER 96: PLOT ARMOR VS. TERMINAL STUPIDITY

As they stood in the open chamber, Finn couldn’t shake the crawling sensation running down his spine. He already felt uneasy just stepping into this room—now that unease was beginning to twist into a full-body sense of dread.

They had started combing the area for Slime Melo. Based on Lickthorn’s earlier description, they shouldn’t be hard to spot. Blue bean-flowers on stems. Weird, but doable.

Honestly, what shocked Finn more was that Lickthorn hadn’t said anything sexual about them.

A miracle in and of itself.

So the group fanned out, checking every wall, every corner, every bubbling puddle of goo.

’Please, just let us find it and get the hell out of here.’ Finn prayed silently, stepping over a slime puddle that winked at him. He ignored it.

The deeper they went, the slimier things got. They passed a larger body of slime—almost like a pond—and a few sentient-looking blobs wiggled nearby but didn’t seem too concerned with the party’s presence.

Even the leftover humanoid slime monster corpses scattered across the ground, clearly taken out by previous adventurers, made Finn feel somewhat better.

He glanced at the little potion vial in his hand.

"I guess I won’t be needing you after all," he muttered, pocketing it.

But peace is fleeting in this world.

Just as the silence was starting to feel suspicious, it was broken by the clashing sound of weapons, shouting, and wet splats.

Finn froze.

Up ahead was a steep incline—a natural rocky platform that overlooked the next part of the cavern. Slowly, carefully, he crept forward to peek over the edge.

While the Lickthorn and Chestelle followed with out care—

Majestria reluctantly followed, looking like she didn’t want to get her pristine thighs anywhere near the rocks.

Finn peered over—

—and sighed. A mix of shock and not-shock hit him like a slime to the face.

Below, in a wide-open space surrounded by glistening walls and goo-rivers, stood none other than the Sacred Blades of Hope.

Ardin. Seraphina. Chunkus. Raze.

In all their obnoxious, showboating glory.

Raze darted around like he was in an edgy anime opening, slicing a slime monster’s head clean off in a single blur of motion.

Chunkus twirled his enormous ham shank club like a baton before smashing it into three slime monsters at once, sending their gelatinous bodies flying like bowling pins. Slime splattered across the cave in glorious 360° slow-mo.

Ardin, ever the radiant protagonist, carved his way through monsters like a lawnmower with plot armor. His sword gleamed. His armor gleamed. His damn hair gleamed.

’How the hell is he still shiny in a slime cave? That makes no sense!’

And Seraphina—Finn’s divine angel of lust and thigh-based temptations—was just standing there. On the sidelines. Doing absolutely nothing.

Except cheering for Ardin like some groupie at a hero concert.

"Go Ardin! You’re so strong! Your form is perfect!" she cried out with heart eyes, not even pretending to heal anyone.

Finn stared blankly over the cliff.

"...What the hell..."

But then—Finn saw it.

The Slime Melo.

Sitting there, taunting him from across a small slime river like it owned the damn place. Glowing faintly blue, perched on a squishy stem like a forbidden fruit. Right behind Seraphina.

Figures.

Of course it would be there. Behind the divine plot armor and her stupidly shiny boyfriend.

The good news? The slime river didn’t look too deep—probably walkable. The bad news? That meant walking directly into enemy territory... in plain sight of four adventurers, one of whom could launch him into orbit with a ham club.

Finn narrowed his eyes.

’How the hell are we gonna get over there... without getting spotted or turned into slime pâté?’

He rubbed his chin like an anime genius about to drop the sickest plan of the century. His eyes darted between his teammates.

Chestelle—chaotic neutral Vaultari.

Lickthorn—unpredictable, possibly aroused.

Majestria—standing there with her arms crossed, giving him a classic "what fresh stupidity are you planning now?" glare.

Finn smirked.

No—he grinned.

Because he had just come up with a plan so genius, so stylish, so utterly anime protagonist tier... it could only be described in one word:

"Flawless."

It would be fast. Silent. Elegant. A thing of beauty.

They wouldn’t even know what hit them.

Majestria raised an eyebrow. "...You’re going to do something stupid, aren’t you?"

Finn’s grin widened.

"Oh, something only I can understand ."

Which he wasn’t wrong.

***

Ardin slashed through another slime, the blade slicing diagonally across its gelatinous shoulder. The upper half of the creature slid off with a wet plop.

He let out a smug sigh. "Phew... It sure isn’t easy being this hardworking and this handsome."

"You’re such a hero," Seraphina cooed, batting her lashes from the sidelines. "Especially the only one who can save me... in bed~"

Ardin didn’t even acknowledge her. Just watched the other guys mop up the remaining monsters, his armor still somehow glowing like a shampoo commercial despite being in a slime pit.

And for a brief moment... all was calm.

Until—

BAM!

A thunderous clap exploded through the cavern, echoing like a divine slap to the asscheeks of fate.

Ardin snapped his head toward the sound—just in time to see the unholy image of a brown chest hurtling through the air.

Behind it: a screaming man in a cool white wizard hat, flailing wildly.

Beside him: an elf with short mint-green hair, her wand pointed forward, eyes manic with glee.

"...What in the blessed heavens—" Ardin muttered.

Before he could finish, a stream of white liquid blasted across the battlefield and smacked him directly in the face and mouth.

SPLOOSH.

"PFFF—WHAT IS THIS?!"

He sputtered violently, gagging as the sticky fluid dripped down his chin. "IS THIS—IS THIS SLIME?!"

Above them, Finn cackled like a warlock on bath salts.

"BULLSEYE!"

He fist-pumped mid-air. "Nice shot, Lickthorn!"

Lickthorn beamed. "I always hit my targets~!"

"I can see that!!" Finn yelled, wind whipping past his face. "Now just one tiny problem—"

He looked down.

"...I forgot about gravity."

And sure enough, the entire tiro of airborne idiots began their inevitable descent.

Straight toward Seraphina.