CHAPTER 41: YOU’LL HAVE TO FORGET, LE AN.

Mr. Qui had killed the alpha without even blinking, without a single expression crossing his face. That kind of composure and ease was something only someone who had done it before, who had killed before, could display.

And... Weren’t they the same people who had abandoned the deserted cities and villages near the border, leaving the people in need there to die?

Theo wiped the blood that had seeped through Le An’s white silk shirt and streaked down his arm, adding yet another red-stained wipe to the pile.

Le An’s eyes were fixed on the wet wipes in the trash, soaked with that alpha’s blood. His bottom lip quivered, like a child hiccupping after crying too hard. And the blood that had splashed on his arms, neck, and cheeks had dried there, leaving his skin itchy to the point of madness.

When Theo leaned in with a fresh wipe to clean his neck, his trembling hand entered Le An’s field of vision.

Theo’s hand was shaking, and there was a deep helplessness on his face. A feral fury burned in his eyes, though he already knew Le An was in no state to speak. So he was simply muttering to himself, "I should have stopped it... He shouldn’t have had to go through this."

Even as the ringing in Le An’s right ear echoed through his head like a dull roar, he could still make out Theo’s murmured words.

Their eyes met.

And in Theo’s gaze, Le An witnessed that wild expression shift into something entirely different, something utterly real: sorrow, remorse, and a raw, sincere apology. The fury Theo had harbored toward himself, toward what had happened, toward Mr. Qui and his own helplessness, melted away like ice the moment their eyes locked. It softened.

Theo bit down on his lower lip, struggling to sift through the countless things he wanted to say. Once again, he fell silent, crushed by the realization that he wouldn’t be heard, that Le An wouldn’t let himself be embraced by him the way he used to.

Tears welled up again in Le An’s eyes, just when he had begun to claw his way out of the initial shock and face the truth. And now, for the first time since he’d left that room turned into a bloodbath, his tears finally began to fall. "Hhh... hic- uhh... nghh-"

Theo, now kneeling in front of him with a blood-stained wipe clenched in his fist, stayed there frozen, uncertain of what to do.

Mr. Qui’s brutality was too much for someone like Le An. The very thing he couldn’t yet comprehend, the thing that shredded his conscience, had happened right before his eyes.

This wasn’t just trauma for Le An; it was a merciless gash carved deep into a heart that used to smile at everything and meet the world with love. A permanent stain on his mind.

"It’s not your fault," Theo said, shaking his head violently.

Le An, clearly not believing him, also shook his head, and his hiccups only grew more violent. This time, Theo took his hands, unsure if he even had the right to, unsure if Le An even wanted it.

But Theo needed it. He needed to hold Le An. So he did, at the very least, he held his hands. "You didn’t do anything wrong. Le An, Mr. Qui, and people like him... are monsters. A-and..." As he realized how useless his words were, Theo grew more panicked.

He took a deep breath, his voice trembling under the lump in his throat and the weight of Le An’s relentless crying. "That’s why I didn’t want you to face him today. That’s why... I wanted you to leave it to me."

"He-hic... he’s dead..." Le An sobbed through broken hiccups, covering his eyes with his hands and struggling to steady his breath. "They... they were going to kill him. I to-told him to trust me, huu, hic..."

The alpha he had asked to trust him had been slaughtered just five minutes later, right before his eyes. Le An stopped shaking his head in denial and looked straight into Theo’s eyes. And then, he said what he had come to understand. Mr. Qui’s whispered words still echoed in his mind.

"There was no way out," Le An said, finally grasping the futility of his efforts. "It-it was all for nothing, I, I..."

"He was already dead," Theo said, locking eyes with him. "The moment GAC chose him for you, he was already dead. I..."

"Le An." His name slipped from Theo’s lips like a hiccup.

"I’m not one of them, I swear..." Theo finally began repeating the one thought he couldn’t hold back anymore. The thing he’d rather die than have Le An believe.

"I’m not one of them, believe me. I swear, Le An, I’m with you! I... I know you won’t accept me, I know we don’t agree, but I swear, I’m not like them. I’m not a..."

I’m not a monster.

For Le An’s sake, even if it meant going against him, that was the way Theo loved him. And Theo didn’t know how to change that. Even if it was a mistake, even if Le An didn’t want it like that, this was what gave Theo’s life meaning. Ever since the moment he met him.

But the way Le An’s eyes looked at him -full of powerless anger, full of refusal- and how he didn’t lean on him in his most broken moment...

That was the one thing that could bring Theo to his knees in desperation.

As Le An’s hiccups intensified and his mind plummeted into a void, overwhelmed by the flood of Theo’s words, Theo’s heart stumbled. He felt the sting of guilt that perhaps this wasn’t the right time at all to ask for forgiveness, and that it was just another selfish act. But then, the devastation in Le An’s eyes slowly gave way to something warmer, gentler: a quiet, lingering sadness.

And with a movement that seemed to say he could no longer endure it, Le An leaned his head against Theo’s chest.

A current ran through Theo’s entire body -like something had shocked him back to life- and suddenly the strength that made life meaningful to him was returned, all because of Le An.

"Theo..." Le An murmured his name for the first time in what felt like a lifetime to Theo, even though it had only been two days. He said it like before, but still with a hint of caution.

And in that quiet gesture, in the way Le An leaned into him and spoke his name... Theo knew. He had been forgiven.

He pulled Le An tightly into his arms, buried his nose in his hair, and whispered the first words that came to him. "Thank you, Le An..."

With his face buried in the curve of Theo’s neck, held tightly in his arms, Le An felt as if he’d finally found solid ground beneath his feet again. But something still writhed quietly inside him, unsettled. The urge to cry hadn’t left; if anything, it only grew stronger. His tears soaked Theo’s shirt. This hug didn’t feel enough to soothe the pain; even Theo’s embrace couldn’t fully erase it.

Because the ones Le An should’ve clung to with all his strength, the ones he should’ve begged for forgiveness, wept in front of, and held like this were already long gone.

They were dead. And now, there was nothing left for him to do but live with the weight of that truth. That was the part that tore him apart the most.

Theo exhaled, unaware he’d been holding his breath, feeling a mix of guilt and a faint hint of relief. At least Le An was still allowing him to carry a part of his pain. "I’m sorry," Theo whispered as Le An’s trembling body softly shook against his chest.

Le An cried in Theo’s arms until his red-rimmed eyes dried and his breath began to steady. When he finally lifted his head from Theo’s tear-soaked collar and looked at him, what remained was the sorrow that followed the initial shock.

"You’ll forget," Theo said, brushing away the strands of hair stuck to Le An’s face. "You’ll have to forget, Le An." Theo let out a small breath of relief, grateful that he had managed to cover Le An’s eyes right as the bullet struck the alpha’s face.

That image would have haunted Le An; it would’ve dragged him down, day after day, like a ghost clinging to his back.

Le An didn’t nod, didn’t object, didn’t even show a flicker of emotion at the word "forget".

Forgetting wasn’t an option. Not this, and not the others either. Because if he ever allowed himself to forget, the shame would consume him completely. He couldn’t forget Taras, who reminded him of that hatred every single day. He couldn’t forget the millions who despised him on the outskirts. He couldn’t forget the alphas who had died carrying the weight of his secret. And he definitely couldn’t forget Sora, trying to raise his child somewhere far away, in a place the government had abandoned.

Le An couldn’t forget any of them. He silently shook his head.

While everyone who came into contact with him was ending up hurt... Living in a glass dome and looking away from everything while tending flowers, that was pathetic of him, wasn’t it?

"I want to go home." With his mind throbbing from an indescribable ache and nausea rising in his gut, Le An felt the urgent need to leave this room, this place reeking of blood. After Theo managed everything and took him home without being seen, there were still specks of dried blood glimmering faintly on Le An’s body.

When he stepped out of the shower, the sky outside the window had already darkened. Despite everything that had happened, life continued — and that realization pressed down on Le An with an even heavier weight.

Then, his thoughts turned to Taras. To that night when Taras had called him evil. "..."

After changing his clothes, Le An sat on the bed, and almost immediately, there was a knock on his door. "Le An, can I come in?" It was Theo.

Snapping out of his thoughts, Le An walked toward the door, unsure of how to face Theo, unsure even how to look at him. He slowed as he reached the closed door and tiredly leaned his forehead against it.

Theo must have understood the silence, right? As his eyes, still burning from crying, began to warm again, Le An finally parted his lips. "Later, Theo... Okay?"

The response was quick and reassuring. "Of course, Le An. Whenever you want."

An hour to midnight. Le An stared at his watch for a while. Would he come again tonight?

Thoughts gnawing at his mind like parasites, Le An sat on his bed and waited for Taras. Because he hadn’t guided him in days due to his heat, and because... There was a part of him that simply wanted to... see him.

But when midnight passed, and it was already 1 am, Taras still hadn’t come.

Le An, his eyelids aching and now numb from sleeplessness, had eventually laid down. Why had he waited for him at all...? Just before drifting off, Le An had thought, I forgot again. Forgot my place and that... I’m just a GAC guide.

There must be other guides who could guide him, ones Taras doesn’t despise.