CHAPTER 61: I... WANT TO TRY SOMEONE ELSE’S PHEROMONES.

5 hours ago

"Le An, please think again, no omega can develop immunity against alpha pheromones, you know that too." There was a panic in Theo’s voice, a panic whose cause Le An also knew.

Theo’s hands had closed over Le An’s from the moment the conversation began, as if this panic had taken him hostage.

"For months, there hasn’t been even a clear improvement in our pheromone practice, Theo. Maybe instead of your pheromones, I should try someone else’s-"

Theo didn’t even have the patience to hear such a possibility; he cut Le An off immediately. "It would be the same with someone else, nothing might change."

"But... we can’t know that without trying, right? Maybe the reason I haven’t been able to make progress in resisting pheromones for months is simply because I’ve only been exposed to yours."

There was nothing unreasonable in what Le An said, and they both knew it. Of course Theo knew it too. But the sudden emergence of this conversation, Le An bringing it up out of nowhere... that was something else entirely.

"Why all of a sudden? You’re doing just fine, Le An, you know that," Theo stepped closer to him and gently took his elbow.

As Le An turned his head away, as if that closeness slowed down the wheels turning in his mind, Theo added, "There’s no need for this. You don’t even have to do better. You’re safe now, we will protect you, Le An-"

"You know can’t... always protect me," Le An said slowly, locking eyes with Theo. Even though he didn’t want what he said to go as far as hurting Theo, somewhere inside him, carrying wounds that couldn’t be repaired, he didn’t entirely mind if Theo was hurt. "From them, from Mr. Qui... Theo, so much has happened lately. I... feel like I need to get better at this."

"But eventually, an omega in the end..." Theo knew he should have left the sentence unfinished when Le An’s expression grew more troubled, but he still completed it.

"Getting better at this is impossible, Le An. The result... will be the same no matter what. You know that."

A strange expression, one perhaps Theo had never seen before, flashed across Le An’s face, an angry smile. "Then why are we even bothering? Let’s drop it altogether..."

"No, no, that’s not what I meant," Theo took hold of his other elbow now, holding him completely, as if Le An was about to leave and he had no intention of letting him go. "Maybe you really can build better resistance, Le An. I was speaking generally, for omegas overall, I didn’t mean you specifically, I..."

When Le An turned his eyes away, Theo quickly chose another path to reach him.

"Then let’s practice more often," he said. "If I... if I release my pheromones more regularly and intensely, then maybe you really can resist better, hm?"

Theo’s fingers twitched on Le An’s arm, and when Le An felt his hesitant touch, he only grew more weary of the situation they were in.

The matter... in truth, wasn’t about him resisting pheromones at all. Le An was holding back so hard to keep the real reasons to himself, yet Theo was now cornering him mercilessly, as if to force it out of him.

"I... want to try someone else’s pheromones," Le An said once more, this time slowly and deliberately, like the silence before a storm.

When Theo’s hands dropped from his arms, Le An’s heart filled with both regret for pulling away, and a kind of relief from sensing he had made the right decision.

But Theo was nowhere near ready to accept this without hearing the reason underneath.

Someone else, pushing Le An until he released his pheromones, smelling his scent, witnessing his state in that moment—Theo couldn’t allow that.

Worst of all... deep down, he knew why Le An wanted this, why he was suddenly fabricating these flimsy lies.

"We agreed we would talk through all this and leave it behind, Le An, we- we were going to forget everything," Theo murmured quietly, but then suddenly shouted, making Le An flinch at his loud voice. "We were going to forget!"

While Le An looked at him now with even clearer distress, Tracker, who had been watching them from the corner, stirred as if to rise to his feet and stepped in. "Mr. Theo, please mind your voice."

Le An kept looking at Theo’s face, and Theo didn’t take his eyes off Le An for even a moment.

Tracker, sensing that he was witnessing something he shouldn’t, something he couldn’t step between, sank back into his seat. What he saw between Le An and Theo, in his eyes, was different from the bond of a guide and an esper, he had long realized that.

Especially what he saw in Theo’s eyes... was something else entirely. Was Treasure not aware of those eyes?

Le An parted his lips. "You can’t expect me to completely forget everything... Theo. But I’m trying. I..." With the most sincere look on his face, Le An looked at Theo. "I really am trying."

As despair worked through him, Theo shook his head back and forth. "I know, of course- but I... Le An, you can’t forget everything by pushing me away."

"I’m not pushing you away."

"You are."

"I’m not, Theo," Le An swallowed. "I’m trying to hold on to you, on the contrary."

"By rejecting my pheromones?" Theo’s eyes bore into him with a look full of judgment, as if he could never have expected this from Le An.

Le An’s thought drifted for a moment- rejecting? You perceive this as rejection? His heart ached involuntarily.

Theo scoffed. "You’re being ridiculous. You’re lying to my face."

Le An, staring back at Theo as if he no longer recognized him, stood there with a crumbling stance, his face burning red. Was Theo really talking about lying, to his face?

As words choked in his throat, Le An stepped back. He even thought of leaving the room. Theo was still going on.

"You don’t talk to me as much as before, and now this. Even if you accepted my apology... all this, all this state of ours... it’s torture to me, Le An, I swore that everything I did was for your sake, I swear. You know that. So please, stop acting like thi-"

"But I don’t want you doing those kinds of things... for my sake."

Le An’s words fell between them with the weight of a solid object. "Is it really such a hard thing to do what I want for once?" The disbelief in his voice, as if he would do anything just to know the answer, shook Theo even more. "Why is it that every single thing I want is questioned?"

"We don’t question everything you want, Le An," Theo answered quickly, as if he found that exaggerated. Le An, more scattered with every sentence, replied again, in a sharper, thinner voice.

"Even when I ask for painkillers, the number is questioned... so don’t tell me that."

Theo... was angry now, visibly so. For the first time. At Le An, and because of him.

"Your wellbeing is my business," his voice was harsh and tired, like he had repeated something he couldn’t get across a hundred times. "You talk as if wanting your wellbeing is a crime, like I should feel guilty for the things I’ve done."

"You don’t?" Le An asked in astonishment, and as soon as the question left his lips, a small hiccup escaped him.

Theo swallowed as he recalled, yet again, what he had done during Le An’s heat. "Is it because I chose you being well and healthy... over you being happy?"

Le An’s clenched fists dug his nails into his palms as he sank into a quieter storm. But what boiled inside him, not spilling out, was burning him raw.

What hurt most, right now, was feeling like he didn’t even recognize Theo anymore.

"Is your job..." Le An’s trembling pupils hid beneath his bangs. "My wellbeing, or my wishes?"

"Both, of course!" Theo said at once, swallowing. He tilted his head to the side and looked at Le An with a pained face. "But if I can’t give you both, your wellbeing is... what matters to me, Le An."

"Then you’re working for Mr. Qui, not for me, Theo."

Theo was dumbfounded for a second.

"How can you... say that to me, Le An? You know how much I despise him-!" Theo stepped forward desperately to grab him, but Le An pulled back, and his voice came out raw, like it tore his throat.

"Then act like that!"

Just raising his voice once had left him completely shaken, breathless. Le An pressed his hands against his eyes, rubbed his face harshly, and then looked at Theo, hurriedly, painfully fast, spilling out everything he had wanted to say.

"Every time, every single time I need you, why do you remind me that the reason you’re by my side is because... it’s your job? Why are you of one mind with him, then? If you really... ha, if you really respected me... Theo, if you really.... and now, forcing me to even say all this, and you talk about forgetting? Forgetting completely, is that it?"

Le An’s hand went to his chest, and he clutched his shirt in his palm as if the pain seared through him.

Pulling his eyes from Theo, in the end, he told Theo everything he never wanted to say, knowing it would break Theo’s heart.

"Every time I feel your pheromones now, my body turns to ice and my stomach churns, Theo. I didn’t... I didn’t want you to see me reacting like that to your pheromones... And,"

I... can’t possibly forget those days. T-that chilly feeling, what you’ve done, said to me, it still haunts me."