Jack.

    I am losing my fucking mind.

    What the hell is Trick doing to me.

    I didn''t come to his apartment tonight to ask him to be my fucking boyfriend. That was not the plan, that was far from the plan but lying down next to him on his bed, I needed to make him mine.

    He didn''t say yes to me. I would''ve been pissed if this was someone else, but this is Patrick. I know he is fighting all the fears he has within him. I am not the easiest person to be around. .i have done a lot to him that I regret. Selfish and jerky things. I don''t blame him if he never wants to see me again. I am here in his arms, kissing him. Jesus, this is the best feeling ever.

    How did I suddenly become gay over night?

    Okay I know you don''t just become gay but I have never had eyes for any guy before. With him, I want to give up everything. I want to claim him as mine in front of everyone. I don''t ever want him to be around other guys—that flirting look in his eyes. Fucking hell, it drove me crazy.

    ''''Are we really doing this?'''' he asks as I run my hands all over his body. He is only in his underwear. We have been going back and forth on this. maybe it is the fear of having sex and then ruining things between us when things are suddenly so great; that is why I have been stalling all night. I don''t have the energy in me anymore to stall on this. I want him so bad.

    ''''I want you; I want this. Please tell me you want this too,'''' I am desperate. You can''t blame me, Trick is fucking beautiful and the look in his eyes right now is not helping matters. I want to make love to him so bad.

    ''''I want this too,'''' he leads me into the bedroom in between kisses, completely abandoning the mission to get food. I just used eating as a way to keep him up. I am not ready to go to bed, I want this night to last for as long as it can. The minute I close my eyes, the sun will come out and there might be some awkwardness.

    He closes the door with a loud bang and pushes me against it. he is being very dominant right now and I like it so much. I want him to take control of this. I want him to want me as much as I want him. He pushes himself towards me and I get a whiff of his scent. His bodywash that I now smell like, thanks to having a shower in his bathroom. I close my eyes as he nibbles and bites at the crook of my neck, sucking on it so hard that it sends chills down my spine. I know it will leave a mark tomorrow. I want it to leave a mark so bad.

    His hands reach for my waist and I feel him tug off my boxers. Yes Trick, have your way with me. I feel my dick rise as the chills from the night and his touch get me excited. This is more than I have ever felt with anyone. Shit, this feels too good to be through.

    I can''t blame this on alcohol. I want everything that is happening right now. He grabs my dick in his hand and starts to stroke gently. This brings out of a moan from my lips, this is shocking to me. I cannot believe my reaction to him. shit, shit, shit.

    He stops stroking me and then grabs my hand, now leading me to the bed. This is what I wanted. Us to get comfortable, make this more romantic. I don''t want to just take him, I want to become one with him. Something I have never wanted to do with anyone else. He sits down on the bed and I watch him shyly take off his underwear. His cheeks are red and the room is bright enough for me to see him. I know deep down, he doesn''t know what to do. we are both new to this but we did it while drunk, so there is no way it would be harder now that we are sober and in our right frames of mind. He lies flat on his back and I can''t help but look at his dick.

    Beautiful and very alluring.

    It is weird that we can find things that we never thought about before as attractive. His dick is the most attractive thing I have seen all day. He is already hard and ready for me. I know this is the point where I take control. I don''t know why but it feels like he is giving in to me. that warms my heart in ways that I have never known. The fact that there are unspoken words between us and I just know.

    I look around the room in search of my wallet. It is on a table in the far corner of the room. I open it up and pull out condoms. This time I am very prepared. I don''t know much about Anal sex, but I also know that this is not the first time we are having sex, so he should be open enough for me.

    As long as I go slow and gentle we should be fine. I walk back to the bed and now he has the sheets covering him. I knew he was shy. That is another thing I am finding out about Trick.

    I keep adding mental notes to the list. All the things I find out about him. The character traits that he has. I want to know everything about him. I want him to know everything about me.

    I slip my legs in between his, pulling the covers off him. He hides his face in embarrassment and I chuckle at how adorable he is being ''''I need to see you, come on Trick,'''' I call his name as I try to get his hands away from his face. slowly, he uncovers his face and I smile completely content with seeing him.

    I place the condoms on the bed. And climb on top of him gently. A soft gasp escapes his lips as I press my lips to his again. The chills taking over completely. Our lips dance to the rhythm of our heartbeats as I press into him, my quest for the closest proximity on its way. He gets harder against me but I don''t stop as our dicks rub against each other, giving more satisfaction than I expected. I keep grinding into him and he squirms beneath me, completely getting lost in the moment. I close my eyes as I try to savour this moment, have this feeling engraved into my brain. I never want to forget how he is making me feel right now.

    I feel blessed, special and fucking loved.

    That is the word for this. I feel loved by Patrick. Since the beginning, since we started hanging out. The fact that I could talk to him the same way I do with Lance. He makes me feel loved.

    I have never felt this kind of love from anyone.

    He doesn''t even need to say it. I fucking feel it.

    Damn.

    I open my eyes and his eyes are open. He is watching me—in a not creepy way, his lips slightly open, they are red and puffy from all the kissing, not that I am complaining. I take a deep breath because my heart is pounding against my chest from the shocking revelation I just made in my mind.

    ''''Thank you,'''' I breathe out deeply.

    Trying to get his breathing controlled, he furrows his brows in confusion. I know he doesn''t know why I am thanking him and he doesn''t need to know. I just want him to know that I am grateful for him. I will always be grateful for the moments we share and I will try my best to make it up to him for as long as I can.

    I lean forward again, pressing my lips to him. this time, the kiss seems more intimate. Maybe it is all in my head but as I hold unto him tighter, I grab him with longing, need and desperation.

    I slide my hands down till I get to his entrance, wanting to be inside him so badly. We are still kissing, so this comes as a surprise to him and he shudders against me. my fingers stay sprawled on his entrance, teasingly as I slide down till my face is just inches away from his chest. I grab his nipple in between my teeth and he jerks back suddenly. I look up at him and his eyes are wide.

    ''''Are you okay?'''' I ask, wanting to make sure.

    He nods his head ''''Yeah, that felt really good. Why does it feel so good.'''' I smile because that is what I was going for. I have always been a boob guy. Girls with tits drive me—sorry, drove me crazy. Patrick doesn''t have tits but I still like the way it feels.

    Great.