Ford.

    ''''Why are you always sad mommy?'''' I ask her with a concerned look on my face. she is in bed, in her nightgown. This is the usual way I find her. She was always so happy. Always the life of a party. Mom used the be the one I would always want to be around but now; all she does is sleep. All she does is make me worry.

    ''''Mommy is very tired baby,'''' she pulls me into her arms, and I rest my head on her chest, wrapping my little arms around her.

    ''''Dad said I shouldn''t bother you. That you are sick, he said you wouldn''t be happy to see me. he is lying right?''''

    ''''Your father doesn''t know what is best for me. He doesn''t know that you are my most favourite person on the planet.''''

    I look up at her and her eyes are closed as she whispers those words to me, it seems like it hurts for her to speak, I wish I could make it all better.

    ''''You''re my favourite too,'''' I smile and this time she opens her eyes. They are cloudy and tired looking. Her eyes used to shine. They were the brightest of all colours and now they are scary. I blame dad for this.

    I hate him so much.

    ''''You have to promise me that you will always remember how I was. You won''t remember me like this,'''' she looks at me with a serious expression.

    ''''You''re not going anywhere, right?''''

    She nods her head ''''I am not going anywhere,'''' this time, it seems like she is not even sure. She is making a promise and it feels like it won''t last.

    ''''There is no evidence on that Bradford. You will only look crazier if you accuse him of that.'''' we are talking about my deepest darkest secret, something I have only mentioned once to Elliot and I regret it immediately. I haven''t told Lance about this; I didn''t want to show him this side of me. the part of me that knows something so scary.

    Our relationship is already troubled waters. This will be adding to it and I didn''t want to, now it seems like I have no choice. this is the only way I can get out of his reigns. It seems like this is the only way I will be free.

    ''''But it happened. He killed her,'''' I shout so loud, wishing he would listen to me. I wish everyone would believe me for once. My eyes shift away from Elliot and to my boyfriend. I know he will believe me. he has been on my side from the beginning. He wouldn''t judge me no matter what.

    ''''You believe me… right?'''' I ask him.

    He walks over to the table and takes a seat in one of the empty chairs. I wait for him to answer to me, to say something but he doesn''t ''''Lance, I know I didn''t tell you about it. I know I should''ve but dad killed my mom.''''

    This is the first time I am saying this in broad daylight. When I told Elliot, we were kids. We didn''t even know any better. Or at least I was still a kid. I had never felt more alone, than that chrismas in their house. I didn''t have anyone to talk to about it. no one believed me and I hoped he would.

    ''''Baby,'''' he finally speaks, slowly grabbing my hands in his. His eyes are sad, the pain evident in them. I don''t know what else to say.

    ''''Do you at least believe me?''''

    He nods his head ''''I believe you, Ford. I will never stop believing you but what Elliot is trying to say is that no one else would and there is no evidence of that.''''

    I let go of him from his words. Maybe I am spiralling. The meds do that to me, and they have pumped a sufficient amount into me. I just want someone to tell me that everything would be okay. Can one person just do that?

    I think back to the only evidence I could possibly have ''''My journal, I have been writing for years. It is in my room. It has the truth.''''

    He opens his eyes wide and I sense a hint of guilt. Why does he look guilty right now? ''''Can you help me get it. it is proof that could help me. I can''t keep living like this Lance. I am exhausted.'''' I breathe out at those words. This is the first time I am admitting this to myself. I have tried to stay strong, be tough. Meeting Lance helped me feel the need to survive but those demons are clouding in again. they are telling me that death might be the best thing for everyone. Lance wouldn''t have to go through the pain that I bring with me. Elliot wouldn''t be here and maybe Lisa wouldn''t be the person she is today.

    Maybe I am the problem.

    Maybe I am the reason mom died. I mean, I was in the car. just like he said, I am the cause of the accident. This is why I don''t like to get in my head. It makes me think I am crazy, delusional and psychotic.

    Fuck.

    ''''Just breathe Ford, I have it. I found it in your room,'''' he tells me. my eyes stay fixed on his face. I am trying to read his expression. If he found it, then he has read everything and he knows.

    ''''Have you read it?''''

    He shakes his head ''''Not completely. It''s a lot for me, so I have been unable to read it all at once.'''' He confesses. It is a lot for him, but I fucking lived it. I lived through the pain that is in those pages. No one ever understood me.

    ''''I believe you, Ford. I am going to get you out of here. We will have our escape. No matter what,'''' he grabs my hands in his again. his eyes remain on mine. I believe him completely but the wavering thoughts in my mind pull me in.

    ''''Look, this is not about your mother. This is about getting you out of here. I am going to call grandpa Max. I will tell him everything and he will intervene. You know your dad doesn''t want an intervention. He hates my side of the family being involved. So maybe with this, he will agree to get you out of here.''''

    He makes it all seem like it is so easy. I know my father; he will find another reason to keep me here. I didn''t even have an outburst and he did this to me. I didn''t do anything to him but love someone.

    What is so wrong with that?

    ''''Thanks, Elli,'''' I sniffle out my gratitude. I am grateful for him, but I am also tired of involving other people in my life.

    I just want to be able to do things on my own for once in my fucking life.

    ''''Anytime bro.'''' he stands up from the chair and my anxiety kicks in. If he is leaving, Lance will have to go too. I don''t want him to go yet. ''''I''ll give you a couple of minutes,'''' he looks at my boyfriend and the anxiety cools off. I look at Lance as he thanks, Elliot.

    Once Elliot is out, Lance lets out a sigh ''''I want to take you with me,'''' he cries. I want the same thing but that is not happening. ''''This is all my fault,'''' he adds, which makes me furrow my brow in confusion.

    ''''Why do you think this is your fault?''''

    ''''I made you have sex with me in the locker room shower. If we had just played it safe, Lisa wouldn''t have the video and she wouldn''t have told mom, and no one would have found out and we would still be together.''''

    He is rambling but it brings a smile to my face ''''This isn''t your fault. It was bound to happen. Lisa already had her suspicions, so she would''ve still told your mom, and she would''ve still found out. There was no way we could keep our love hidden for so long. Someone was bound to see it.''''

    ''''but—'''' I cut him off ''''No buts Lance. finish the journal when you get home. I want you to see my heart out in those pages. Know the truth.''''

    He nods ''''I will, I promise, I will believe you no matter what.''''

    His words are comforting but I need him to read it first. ''''Am I going to see you again?'''' I ask him. The last time he locked me up, I stayed for six months. In six months, I will already be eighteen. I can''t wait for six months to see him again.

    I will not survive this time.

    ''''Of course,'''' he smiles ''''Now I know where you are. Trust me, I will be back If I have to sneak you out of here myself.''''

    He leans forward and I close my eyes because I know what is about to come. His lips touch mine and all the pain and sadness wipe out. I feel a million times better from just his touch.

    I believe him too.