CHAPTER 38: 38. I MUST FIND WAY TO SAVE THEM

AT THE SAME TIME

MEI SHEN’S POINT OF VIEW:

The quiet hum of the room was comforting, but I couldn’t sleep. I lay in bed, fingers splayed across my stomach. One baby. One life beginning inside me, in this world, where I still wasn’t sure if I deserved peace. The necklace still hung around my neck, warm from where Rosalie had pressed it to my skin.

"You’re not alone anymore."I still remember Rosalie’s voice.

But guilt clung to me like frost. Famine. Drought. Villages suffering. I couldn’t just lie here in silk sheets with warm soup on the table and do nothing. That wasn’t me. I pushed the covers off carefully, trying not to wake Lianwei, who’d fallen asleep sitting beside the bed like a guard who refused to abandon his post. The floor was cold. My knees ached, but I ignored it. I padded to the desk and lit a small lamp, pulling a few blank pages from the drawer.

’Plan for southern grain storage. Request maps of affected provinces. Petition temple stewards for water blessings-’

"You’re doing it again."I heard Lianwei voice.

His voice was soft, but it cut straight through me. I turned, startled. Lianwei stood in the doorway, hair tousled, arms crossed, not angry, but with that look he got when he was worried and trying not to show it too loudly.

"Doing what?" I asked, trying to sound light. "Writing?"

He stepped closer, and the lamplight caught the gold flecks in his eyes.

"No. Trying to carry everything. Alone. Again."He said.

I looked away.

"There’s work to do."I explained.

"There’s always work to do." He said gently. "But that doesn’t mean you have to bleed yourself for it. Not now. Not while you’re still recovering. Not while you’re carrying-" He stopped, looking down at my belly, then back at me. "Our baby."

I clutched the papers, unsure whether I wanted to fold them or tear them to pieces.

"People need help."I said.

"And they’ll get it." He said, closing the distance between us. "We’ll make sure of it. We. Not just you." His hand reached out and closed over mine, still clutching the quill. "I know it’s hard to rest. I know it feels wrong when others are hurting. But you need to take care of yourself too. Because you’re not just the future empress. You’re the woman I love. The mother of our children. And if something happened to you-"

His voice cracked. Just a little. Just enough. I felt the tension in me dissolve, trembling like glass under warmth. I let the quill drop. He pulled me into his arms without waiting for permission, and I didn’t resist. I just sank into him, letting the tight knots inside me loosen one at a time.

"I don’t know how to stop." I admitted into his chest.

"You don’t have to stop." He whispered. "Just... slow down. Let me carry some of it. Let the others help."

My hands tightened in his robe. He kissed the top of my head.

"Please, Mei Shen. For our baby. For Huan. For me."He added.

That was what undid me. Not duty. Not orders. But love. Steady, maddening, infuriating love.

"...Alright." I whispered.

We stood like that for a long time, no thrones, no gods, no world ending just the two of us in the glow of a flickering lamp, daring to breathe.

A few days later, I laid on the soft bed, the afternoon light filtering through the curtains. My head still ached, but the worries wouldn’t let me rest. I pulled out my journal and began writing, notes, plans, ideas on how to help the farmers survive the coming drought. Every page was filled with hopes to save lives, to make things better.

"Mei Shen." Lianwei’s voice was gentle but firm as he sat beside me and reached for the journal. "You need to stop working for now. You have to rest."

I sighed, looking up at him.

"I can’t just sit here when people are suffering. If I don’t help figure this out-"I started.

He shook his head, a small smile tugging at his lips.

"You’re no good to anyone if you collapse. Let me carry some of this weight. You rest, and we’ll face it together."He said.

I wanted to argue, but his calm eyes held a promise I couldn’t refuse. Slowly, I closed my journal and let my hands fall to my sides.

"Okay." I whispered. "I’ll rest... for now."

Lianwei smiled and squeezed my hand.

"Good. That’s all I want."He said.

I sat by the window of my chamber, watching the fields outside, once lush and full of life, now nothing but brittle, cracked earth under the harsh sun. The wind carried dust instead of the sweet scent of growing crops. Every day, the reports worsened. Villages in the outer provinces were falling silent. The farmers came less frequently now, faces gaunt and haunted, their eyes hollow like they’d already buried their hope somewhere between the rows of dying grain.

I traced the rim of my teacup absently, but the bitter taste stuck to my tongue. The hunger was no longer just a word, it was real, gnawing at the bellies of the people I had sworn to protect.

"Mei Shen." Lianwei’s voice came softly behind me, pulling me from the spiral of despair. "You need to rest."

I turned, forcing a smile that didn’t reach my eyes.

"How can I rest when they’re starving? When children cry for food we don’t have? I should be doing more planning, writing letters, arranging aid."I said.

His hand found mine and squeezed gently.

"You’ve done more than anyone could ask. But if you break yourself, who will care for Huan? For the baby?"He asked worriedly.

I swallowed hard, the sharp edge of guilt cutting through the fog of exhaustion.

"I’m scared." I whispered. "Scared it’s not enough. Scared this drought will break us all."

He knelt beside me, eyes steady and warm.

"Then we fight harder. Together as a family.’He added.

But the truth was, every morning I woke hoping for rain, and every night I lay awake hearing the desperate whispers of the farmers who’d lost everything. Their faces haunted me, silent screams echoing louder than the thunderless sky. I pulled my knees to my chest, feeling utterly small against the vastness of what was coming. And yet, I could not would not give in to despair. Not now. Not when so many needed me to be strong.

"Please." I murmured into the dark. "Let the rain come. Let this end."