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    I thought it woulde down to Amalia somehow, considering the presence of her urn on Tatiana’s nightstand. But I didn’t know hearing ite from her lips would feel like a p to the face. “Please believe me when I say this, Tatiana. I didn’t want your mother to die,” I whinger, shaking my head. “Honey, I need you to believe that I wanted her to move forward with the divorce, yes. We both know she was dragging her feet, and if she were still alive, I’m sure she would try to stand in the way of bthis/bb, /bbut that doesn’t mean I wanted her to die.”

    All she has to do is arch an eyebrow for a flood of memories toe rushing back All the times I so casually announced what a relief it would be if Amalia stopped breathing What a waste of oxygen she was. How I wouldn’t shed a tear if she dropped dead.

    “You’re old enough to understand that people say things all the time in a moment of anger or frustration. How often did you tell me you wished I was dead when you were a teenager who wanted her way? You were downright nasty.”

    “That’s different. I was young and justing into my feelings.”

    “All I’m saying is, did you really want me dead? If you said that one night and woke up the next morning to find me gone, would you have regretted saying it? I think you would have. Now, the situation with your mom and me was somewhat different. She made it her mission to make me miserable, and if I hated her, it was because of her actions. That still doesn’t mean I was waiting for her to die or happy when I found her dead. Believe me. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was horrified and sad. I’m still sad. I might not have loved your mom at the end of her life, but I loved her once. Enough to have you. What she went through, the experience, it was a terrible way to go–and even worse because it meant you never got the chance to build a better rtionship with her.”

    It damn near breaks my heart when she scoffs. “Yeah, well, she didn’t want me anyway. She made that very clear when she was alive.”

    “But there’s nothing wrong with hoping she would one day. I would never judge you for that.” This time, she doesn’t pull away when I reach out to touch her shoulder. “And it makes me sorry for her, so sorry. She’s the one who missed out. You have been the one singr bright spot in my life since the day you were born. And every day I’ve spent watching you grow has been a privilege. I’m in awe of the woman you’ve be–no, really,” I insist when she rolls her eyes. “I’m not just saying that. I mean it with all my heart. You’re the one good thing that has evere out of my existence.”

    “Until now, right? You have another chance at a family. You can start over.”

    “You’ve been my family all along. My rtionship with Caterina isn’t meant to fill in some imaginary gap in my life. I’m not trying to rece you, not with herb, /band not with another baby.”

    Her nose goes red first, and bI /bknow what that means Tears are on the way, no matter how hard she tries to blink them back. “I don’t know where I belong anymore. Nothing feels right anymore.”

    “Oh, sweetheart.” To hell with giving her space. What she needs right now is to be held by someone who loves her. Her head hits my shoulder the instam my arms encircle her trembling form. “bWhat /bI wouldn’t give to take all this away from you. All my money, the business, everything. So long as it

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    meant you could be happy again.”

    “I don’t know if I can take it anymore.”

    “Take what?” I ask, rubbing her back. Damn, she’s so thin. I know better than toment on it, but feeling her ribs through her sweatshirt leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

    “Everything. All of it. I feel so broken. I can’t even remember who I used to be. It’s like that person doesn’t exist anymore, like she never did.”

    “You’re still Tatiana. You’re still my beautiful, brilliant girl.”

    “But I’m not, Daddy. I’m not her anymore.”

    “Then we’ll get you back to that ce. We’ll find a way. A map to guide you back to where you want to be. I know I haven’t done a great job of helping you so far. I’m iling around just as much as you are. I don’t know exactly how to help you or what would be best. But we have to try, both of us. I need you to meet me halfway. I need you to try even bif /byou don’t feel like it. Or else nothing’s ever going to change. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.”

    “I know.”

    “And you can do that on your own time,” I make sure to add so she doesn’t feel like I’m pressuring her.Am I doing this right? Am I making a hopeless disaster of the whole thing?I wish I knew. If there’s one thing fatherhood has taught me, it’s that there’s no instruction manual. And as incredible as she is, she’s never made it easy.

    “I’m only making things miserable for you and Caterina.” She pulls her sleeve down to wipe her nose, sniffling. “I don’t want to be a burden on you guys. You deserve to be happy and have so much to look forward to.”

    Slowly, the meaning behind her words sinks into my brain. “What are you trying to say?” The hand rubbing her back goes still.

    “I mean… I’ve been thinking… And maybe I should leave, go off and do my own thing.”

    “No. Honey, I want you here. We both do.”

    “I’m just in the way. I’m so damn tired and sad and cared all the time–every day. And I see you guys, and I see how happy she is, and I think to myself she’s been through a lot of tough shit, too, and she’s not falling apart the way I am. Something must be wrong with me. Why don’t I get to be happy, too? Where’s my happily ever after and knight in shining armor?”

    “Honey, there’s nothing wrong with falling apart. We have to fall apart sometimes. It’s how we grow and be resilient to the shit life throws at us. You’ll find happiness. I know it’s hard to believe at the moment, but you will. There’s a man out there for you and a future and happiness.”

    “I’m sorry, Dad. I really am, but every day I see you ogether, and every time there’s a new announcement like there was today, it makes me feel worse.” Slowly, she detaches herself from me. “This is what I want. What I need.”

    This is the worst possible idea she coulde up with. If she can’t keep herself together while

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    AS MANY Hof, and in my care, how the hell is he going to do it by herself? Then again, is it cruel to force or to stay when I know how unhappy it makes her to be here?

    the by shining in her tomy eyes that makes the decision for me. I can’t extinguish that. Not when it’s the first time I’ve seen hoge in her eyes ineeks Months, even

    “This is sonsshing we’re going to have to work out together,” I decide, speaking slowly, choosing mywords carefully At any other time, under any offer circumstances, I would shut the idea down

    and leave it there. That’s exactly what want to do now. My first impulse is to say no, But I know that would only push her further away, and I don’t want to lose her, not any more than t

    The surprise in her raised eyebrows confirms how out of character this is for me. “Seriously? You

    “I do. I’m not going to keep you prisoner if you don’t want to be here, but I’m telling you it would make me a lot morefortable if you would stay would prefer you stay for as long as you need to buntil /byou feel secure getting on your feet, but I respect your choice, and your need for space, and if you decide toe back, the door is always open

    I have tough at myself, especially since she’s looking at me like I’ve grown a second head or something. “I’m btrying/b, kid. I’m really trying. But don’t be surprised if I call you every day and ask when you’reing back–if you decide to leave.”

    “She’s really good for you, isn’t she?” A faint smile ys at the corners of her mouth. “She’s changed you.”

    “I’ve had to make myself change for her, not in a bad way, and not because I don’t want to. It’s just hard, but I’m sure it’ll be worth it.”

    “I love you.” And all at once, she’s a little girl again, throwing her arms around my neck and squeezing like her life depends on it. It’s the most life she’s shown in far too long, so I won’t ask her to let go. I would rather soak this in for as long as possible.

    If I’ve learned anything recently, it’s how suddenly everything can change. How fast you can go from holding someone tightly to fearing they might be dead.