CHAPTER 90: 90 - I WAS TRASH

90

~Lisa’s POV

I was shaking.

I didn’t even know how I managed to make it back to my room. My legs felt like jelly. My chest was tight. My hands wouldn’t stop trembling. I shut the door behind me and leaned against it like my life depended on it.

"They... killed him," I whispered to myself, still not believing what I had heard.

The triplets... Kael, Damon, and Rowan... they killed their father.

I sank slowly to the floor, my back still against the door. My mind was spinning, my heart racing. I had just stood there, listening to Belinda pour out those horrible things. All the abuse. All the beatings. The pain. The blood. The fear. And I believed her, I saw it in her eyes. It was real. Every single word.

"Oh God..." I gasped, my hand covering my mouth.

I didn’t know they had suffered like that. I didn’t know they were raised in pure horror. That Garrick, their father, had treated them like dogs... no, worse than dogs. Belinda didn’t sugarcoat anything. She said it the way it was, raw, painful, cruel.

But still...

Still...

I didn’t deserve what they did to me.

I sat there on the cold floor, my eyes stinging with tears. My chest ached in a way I couldn’t explain. I remembered every horrible night they forced themselves on me. The fear, the helplessness, the shame. My fists clenched.

"They hurt me," I whispered.

And it didn’t matter that they were hurt too. That they had suffered. That they were broken boys in a broken world. Because they broke me too.

"I didn’t ask for this," I cried, my voice louder this time. "I didn’t choose to be your mate!"

I slammed my palm against the floor in frustration.

"You think I wanted this? To be dragged into your sick, twisted pack? You think I ever wanted to fall into your world?"

I stood up, shaking harder now. My breath was coming out in short gasps. I stormed over to the shelf near my bed and grabbed the one thing that made me feel anything toward them, the stupid doll Damon gave me.

I held it up, staring at it like it was poison.

"You thought this fixed anything?" I yelled. "You thought this stupid toy made up for all the nights I begged you to stop?!"

I threw it across the room with all the strength I had.

It hit the wall and fell to the floor. Just like that.

I sank down to my knees, sobbing now.

"I didn’t do anything to deserve this," I said through my tears. "I was just human. I was just Lisa. A regular girl who didn’t want to mix up about mates or packs or alphas or any of this madness."

My voice cracked.

"I didn’t hurt you. I didn’t beat you. I wasn’t the one who locked you in rooms or made you bleed or broke your bones."

I sniffled hard, wiping my face roughly with my palm.

"So why did you do it to me?" I whispered. "Why did you treat me like that?"

The silence in the room was deafening.

I sat there for what felt like forever, curled up on the floor, hugging myself, rocking slightly. The memories came in like waves, Damon’s eyes when he looked at me like I was nothing, Kael’s fists against the wall when I screamed, Rowan’s cruel smile as he whispered in my ear while holding me down.

And now I knew why they were like that.

They were broken.

But so was I.

And I didn’t even get the chance to fight back.

I laughed bitterly. A dry, cracked sound.

I stood up again, slowly this time, my body aching with exhaustion and pain. I walked over to the mirror. My reflection stared back at me, tired eyes, swollen lips, dried tears on my cheeks.

"This is me now," I muttered. "Because of them."

I pressed my fingers to the mirror.

"And no apology will ever be enough."

"You think telling me your past makes you innocent?" I shouted into the silence. "You think I’ll just understand? That I’ll just suddenly love you? Just accept you?"

I was pacing now, my emotions boiling.

"You were supposed to be better. You of all people should’ve known how much it hurts to be powerless, to be used, to be abused. And you did it to me anyway."

I turned to face the doll on the floor again.

"You knew what it meant to suffer. You lived it. So why? Why did you become monsters just like him?"

I shook my head.

"I’m not forgiving you," I said firmly. "Not today. Not tomorrow. Not until you feel every piece of what you did to me."

I was never the same after I came to this place.

I used to smile. I used to laugh with my dad, dance in the rain, sneak out to get ice cream with my dad. I used to have silly dreams about love like every naive girls. I thought my man would be kind, gentle, warm and love me, sweep me off my feet like the princess in books. I thought love would feel like butterflies and sunrises and soft kisses under stars.

But it felt like chains. Like bruises. Like tears soaking my pillow in the dark.

They stole that from me.

They took my innocence and replaced it with fear.

They took my voice and replaced it with screams.

They took my body and treated it like it was nothing.

Even if they were broken by their father, even if they killed him to protect themselves, even if their pain was real...

It doesn’t erase mine.

It doesn’t undo what they did to me.

"You don’t get to act like victims and villains at the same time," I said. "you don’t get to hurt me and then cry about your past."

"I’m sorry you were abused," I said, softer now. "I am. No child deserves what you went through."

"But I’m not your punching bag."

"I’m not your outlet for pain."

"I’m not your father."

"Damn it!" I screamed. "I didn’t deserve this!"

I rushed to the wall and punched it with both fists, not caring about the sting.

"You think I’ll ever forget the way you looked at me like I was trash?"

"The way you touched me like you owned me?"

"The way I cried and you kept going like it meant nothing?"

Tears flooded my eyes again.

"You think I’ll forgive you? Just because you were broken too?"

I let out a sob and dropped to the floor again.

"Well I won’t. I can’t. Not yet."