bChapter /bb186 /b

    “You know as well as I do that I cannot take tomorrow for granted,” I whisper.

    “None of us can.” He caresses my back softly. “Maybe you’ll have to fight a little longer; however, no one has as many loved ones as you do. If you can’t secure tomorrow on your own, you have us ”

    I close my eyes, feeling the wetness slide down my cheeks. I cry in silence, knowing that here I am safe, that my tears won’t hurt him and that my sobbing won’t be judged. For a moment I think of what a miracle it is, with my tears being so dangerous, that life has given me thefort of being able to cry in the arms of the two men who will mean the most in my life. One conquered me without permission, and the other has been part of me since my conception. As resentful as I sometimes feel, Atarothz’s presence in my future seems inevitable.

    My body shakes with a sob. Yet, he does not try to stop my crying, instead letting me break as much as I need in his arms, because when I finish, I’ll have to piece myself back together and make a decision.

    “I won’t let them hurt you.”

    The hardness and firmness of his words make me believe him. I cling tighter to his torso and bury my face in him as if I could disappear from this cruel world. Suddenly, I feel a tug on my skirts, I look down and find a pair of golden eyes.

    “Khaos?”

    I pull back, wiping my tears with the back of my hand. He’s wearing a small cape that covers part of his body. I wouldugh at how funny he looks if it weren’t for the whirlwind of thoughts in my head, I look up at the sky and notice it’s cloudy.

    “You shouldn’t be outside,” I scold him.

    “But there’s no sun! And I’m bored!”

    I nce behind me only to see Atarothz has disappeared. I let out a breath and kneel down to be at the boy’s height.

    “And what do you want to do?”

    “Chase the waves!”

    He starts hopping around, impossible for me to control. He runs along the shore, kicking up sand with his little steps, and I can’t do anything butugh at his energy attack. I watch him throw stones into the sea, making them skip several times across the surface before sinking; every so often, when he beats his own record, he sticks his tongue out at the sea in defiance. I cover my lips with my hand to hold back augh each time he does it.

    I don’t know why, but Khaos somehow reminds me of Ss–maybe it’s his blond hair or the determination he shows despite being so small. Without much effort, I can imagine this as just another scene from my childhood, when we used to y together and he was definitely the more temperamental of us two. He too would have dueled with the sea. I think of Abigail, of the contrast between our three personalities. Where m quiet and reserved, Abigail is cheerful and lively, and Ss, blunt and serious. bThe /bsmile on my lips fades when I realize I thought of her in the present tense.

    “You look ugly when you’re sadi,/i” the little one says.

    I look at him, faking a smile. They say children always tell the truthb, /band clearly, they do. Khaos bhas /bbno /bbproblem /bbsaying /bbthe /bbfirst /bthing that crosses his mind, without sugarcoating bit/b, without worry.

    b“/bbYou /bshouldn’t speak bto /bba /bdy like bthat/bb,/bb” /bbI /bbsay/bb, /bbcrouching /bband /bbtapping /bbhis /bnose bwith /bbmy /bbfinger/b,

    b1/4 /b

    bTU18 /bbFM/bb, /bb22 /bbAug /b

    “My father says you always have to tell the truth.”

    “And your mother? What does she tell you?” I ask, taking the chance to probe.

    “I don’t have a mom.”

    He shrugs, brushing it off. I watch him for a while, waiting for any sign of sadness; however, the boy seems to have fully epted that fact in his life, and he doesn’t look disturbed by my question or his answer. I wonder what happened, who she was, how she managed to catch the interest of a man like Eleazar.

    The earth begins to shake, as if Cassian knew that for a second my thoughts had strayed toward another man. It’s not that I feel anything romantic for Eleazar, he simply intrigues me—he always has. Perhaps I might have fallen prey to his mysticism if he weren’t what he is and I weren’t who I am.

    Yet I know that never would have worked.

    Cassian’s ws are too deeply embedded in me.

    The ground trembles again, so I take the boy’s hand, who still doesn’t seem to have had enough fun, judging by the way he twists his lips and looks at me reproachfully. I manage to recall the path back to Viatrix’s hut, who doesn’t seem the least bit surprised to see me at her door with Khaos by my side.

    “Would you like toe in?”

    I shake my head.

    “I have things to do.”

    She nods, as if she knows perfectly well what things I mean. Possibly she does. I head toward Evanora’s cabin, where I find her in the middle of what seems a fascinating task. She’s weaving at a loom, and for several minutes I stay there, watching her absorbed in something that may look simple and dull but that she executes with an almost invisible smile on her lips.

    She senses my presence.

    “I prepared a hot bath. I suppose you’re not in the mood for a cold one,i” /ishe murmurs without lifting her eyes from her work.

    Sometimes I forget that here they live in the most natural and rudimentary way possible. Without using Naja’s magic more than necessary, perhaps out of fear of draining it. Her appearance doesn’t show it, but she is a witch much older than she seems.

    Hot baths are tooborious to have every day, so most take cold ones. Everything my eyes see here has been crafted by these women’s hands, and the food I eat has been raised or grown here, through their effort. I can’t help but feel admiration.

    I smile, though she probably doesn’t see it. I wander into the small room where I find a small tub, just big enough to sit in. I undress and do just that, pouring the steaming jugs of water inside. I scrub myself eagerly, and when I think I am clean enough, I allow myself the luxury of resting my head on the edge and rxing. Or at least I try, because quickly I find myself searching for Cassian inside my head, waiting to feel the strength of his power pounding against the walls of my mind. To my surprise, he seems to have calmed. For now.

    At some point, I fall asleep, and when I wake the water has long stopped being hot. I get out and dry myself as much as I can. bI /bfreeze before a full–length mirror. Some parts are broken, as if someone had struck it, angry with what they saw. Stillb, /bit’s bwhole /benough that I can see pieces of my reflection. Droplets of water stream freely from my wet hair to my breastsb, /bslide bdown /bbmy /bstomach, pool in my navel, and then fall lower, between my thighs.

    bI /bbfix /b

    my gaze on my stomach, bring my hands to it, and begin to touch, searching for the bsign /bbthat /bbsomething /bbis /bbgrowing /bbinside/bb. /bbI’m /b

    sure I won’t find anything, but I’m wrong. There, in the lower part of my abdomenb, /bbeneath my fingers, I feel ba /bharder barea/bb, /ba small lump. I stare at it as if it were an animaltched onto me, feeding on my flesh, on my blood.

    On a small chair, I see what appears to be a dress and a soft robe. I take only the robe and tie it around my waist. I throw bone /bbst /bnce at the mirror and walk out with determined steps. Evanora is still at the loomb, /babsorbed in her threads.

    “Is it time?” she asks without even turning to look at me.

    I wet my lips.

    “Call him.”

    She stops everything she’s doing and, without another word, leaves the hut. The moment she disappears from my sight, nerves begin to sweep through me from head to toe, devouring me alive. There’s a shift in the atmosphere, as if for a few minutes the air were lighter. I can only assume it has to do with this ce’s protections, which must have weakened enough to let him in.

    I clench and unclench my fists, full of nerves. I stare at the cabin door, knowing I’ll see him walk through any moment. It feels like a lifetime has passed when it’s only been a couple of days since Ist saw him. Needpetes with nerves. I start pacing the room in circles, impatient, until I feel another change in the air. This time electrifying. His scent rushes straight into my nostrils, and the unshakable force that is him rattles me to my core when he enters the room.

    I turn, and see how his eyes search for mine and lock onto them with relief. His whole body visibly rxes, and before I know it, I’m running into his arms.

    “ra.”

    “Cassian,” I sigh against his neck.

    He grabs me effortlessly, lifting me so I can wrap my legs around his hips. Ice my arms around his neck and rest my face against the curve where it meets his corbone, seeking all the strength I need in the security of his body.

    There’s a sound behind us, and I know it’s Evanora leaving to give us privacy. I hear Cassian inhale sharply, filling himself with my scent the same way I do with his. We are addicted to each other.

    I ce a kiss in the hollow of his neck and feel his whole body tremble with desire and need. I pull back just enough to look at his face, and in it I find all the answers I need. Perhaps it is fate, and I am incapable of fighting it, just as I couldn’t fight the undeniable pull between our bodies and hearts. He strokes my cheek with his thumb while his other hand secures my body against his.

    He frowns, surely able to see all the fear reflected in my features.

    “Who do I need to kill, ra?” Concern drips from his voice. “What’s wrong? I thought you were fine…”

    I shift in his arms so he’ll set me down. I don’t speak or answer his questions. Instead, with trembling fingers, I begin undoing the knot of the robe. He watches me with clear interest, and desire clouds his gaze as soon as I let the garment fall to the floor and standpletely naked before him. I hesitate a second before taking his long, cold fingers. There is no trace of his usual gloves, as if he wanted to avoid any interruptions when he is with me.

    If he already looked consumed by curiosity, the moment I guide his hand to my stomach, his entire expression transforms into something words cannot convey. His gaze flickers from my nearly t belly to my face, waiting for my confirmation.

    I nod, a tear slipping from my eyes and falling into the void.

    “ra.”

    10:18 Fri, 22 Aug

    My name leaves his lips like never before. Terror, love, confusion, plea all captured in these five letters. And with his bhand /bwill n me, he falls to his knees.