15 - Imperfections

“I’m home.” Smallkuto said.

“Welcome back.” His father replied. “How are ya? How’s school?”

“I’m fine.” Smallkuto replied, tired.

“Got any grades today?”

“No.” Smallkuto said.

His father looked similar to him face-wise. He had a somewhat large figure and wore a pair of rectangular glasses with a thin black outline. His hair looked grayish and a little wavy, he was balding a little. He was clean shaven and his eyes were shiny brown.

“Holy shit, he looks just like dad...” Sakuto said, stuck in this strange glass prison, observing the sight. “No, he is dad...”

“Hey, there’s a new science fair opening soon. We went there last year, remember?” His father said. “Wanna go?”

“Sorry, I don’t think I wanna go...” Smallkuto said, quickly running upstairs to his room.

“You idiot!” Sakuto yelled. “Why don’t you wanna go?”

“Cause other kids from your class are there? Cause you’ll be seen as a nerd or something?! You’ll never get to...”

“...holy shit...”

Sakuto held his hand by his mouth, visibly shaking a little. The man really did look exactly like his father.

He rested on the armchair watching television, sipping on coffee. His favorite book was on the coffee table, the book with the hard red cover and dark blue text on it. He had his legs crossed and seemed relaxed. A few moments later, he seemed a bit lost in thought.

“I don’t know why he’s distant...” he said to himself. “Maybe he’s stressed? Or his schoolwork is too much. Or maybe I’m doing something wrong.”

“No, you’re not...” Sakuto instantly said, but his voice couldn’t be heard. He felt like he was witnessing a conversation that he shouldn’t have witnessed. “You’re not doing anything wrong, dad.” His voice was shaky.

His father glanced at the framed picture of his wife.

“Maybe if she was here, she’d do a better job.” He said to himself, his voice sounded tired.

“Dad, please...it’s not your fault...” Sakuto said, banging on what felt like glass, trying to break out of his confinement. The more force he applied, the more his own powerlessness was apparent to him.

“I just want him to be happy.” His father sighed, before turning the television off and picking up the book.

Sakuto stepped back and fell down. He bit on his lower lip, strong enough to force a few drops of blood to come out. His hands were shaking, his eye began to tear up. A few of his colleagues entered the room, and the father himself left the house entirely.

“No, not that day...”

“I don’t wanna remember it, please...” He barely stopped himself from sobbing.

“You went to work, and I went to school...I returned and saw your work friends. They told me that you died...”

“That you...”

Sakuto coughed, the coughs sounded like crying.

“When I saw you in the casket I thought you were just taking a nap, like you usually do on the couch...”

Sakuto squeezed his eye and tried to recollect his thoughts. His nose was runny, his throat hurt a little. And his eye was burning. It wasn’t just hard for him to hold back his tears, it was painful. He stood back up. To his confusion, he no longer saw Smallkuto - he saw himself. And he saw the version of himself that was plunged into the abyss the deepest.

That version also had a razor blade in his right hand, and many deep scars on his left. Much deeper and bloodier than the ones Sakuto had. Sakuto watched that figure and it was as if he could recognize the indescribable aggregation of emotions wreaking havoc in his mindscape. Though, unlike him, this version took another course of action.

Instead of timed cuts, it looked like he was ripping his own arm open. Instead of stopping, he continued. Eventually, he slit his wrist open completely and started bleeding out.

“This...”

“This is what it would’ve looked like, huh?” Sakuto thought, watching the figure slowly bleed to death. He knew something like that would finally ease his mind, but watching it felt wrong. There wasn’t just calm in his eyes, there was fear and regret too. All that, unfolding on a stage of utter powerlessness. He slowly bled until no more blood escaped his broken veins. His pulse slowly faded away into nothingness.

“This is...what could’ve happened yesterday...”

Sakuto was lost deep in thought. The scenery looked repulsive.

“Sakuto! I’m back home.” His father’s voice loudly exclaimed. “Thought I’d swing by the store. Anything you want?”

“No...”

His father knocked on the door. He usually waited a few seconds before entering. Sakuto tried to rush at the scene but felt unable to go anywhere.

“He’s...he’s gonna see...”

“No!” Sakuto yelled, knocking on the nothingness that separated the spectator and the actor. “Don’t open that door! Please, dad...please don’t open it!”

His father pressed on the handle and gently opened the door. It felt like time itself had slowed down.

“Please...” Sakuto yelled, almost tearing his vocal cords apart. His face was properly covered in tears now, he was desperate.

“I never thought about it...”

“If you were here, I’d... I’d never want you to see something like that, it’s...it’s too cruel. It’ll ruin your life, no...please...”

“It’d be like this...for everyone else that saw it, right? Fuck...fuck, don’t! Don’t...please don’t look...”

“Even though...I wanna be selfish...and just take the easy way out, I can’t...I can’t let him see that his son k-killed himself...”

“He’d think it’s his fault...”

“Ah, fuck...this isn’t even real...none of this is real!” Sakuto yelled. “It doesn’t matter what he sees! I’ve already failed him just by being alive!!”

“Then talk to him about it.”

Sakuto blinked. And an instant later, he was right there. Just like how he was that night when he decided to take his anger out on himself. The box cutter was in his hand, the scars on his other arm, close to his wrist. Drops of blood were on the desk and the floor, and the wounds felt like they pulsed and burned.

And his father entered the room.

“Sakuto, I-” his father suddenly stopped, acknowledging the situation. He took a step back, scared and confused. His first thought was to rush at him and take the blade away, but after processing the scene, he just stood there. He slowly entered.

“Sakuto?” His dad asked, slightly raising his voice. “W-what...what are you doing?”

“Dad...?” Sakuto asked, a lone tear streaming down his face.

“It’s...”

“Holy shit, it’s him...”

“Sakuto, put that thing down, okay?” His father said, slowly approaching him. Instead of putting it away, Sakuto dropped it. His shaking hands neared his mouth.

“Dad...? Is this...”

“All of this is false. All of this is fabricated. This is just a process to fix me up.”

“Dad, you’re...you’re here.” Sakuto said.

“Sakuto?” He asked. “Your eye is also gone...”

“You can see me...” Sakuto continued, his eyes already a little reddened and puffy. “Y-you can hear me too, right? Dad...it’s...”

“What happened to you?” His father asked.

“I don’t know.” Sakuto replied. He slowly approached his hand to his father’s shoulder, and the moment he touched it, he gasped. His body froze up and felt like it was on fire at the same time. His legs weakened. “You’re...you’re real...”

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“We both know this is more like a dream.” His father said. He slowly held Sakuto’s hand and guided it away from him.

“I...no way...” Sakuto said. “I want to believe you’re real...”

“Calm down first, okay?” His father said. His voice was calm and kind. “You’ve...grown up quite a bit.”

“I know. I’m almost eighteen now.” Sakuto said. “And you...these clothes, this...”

“I know. It’s right before I die.” His father interrupted him, watching with sorrow as his son teared up. “But this isn’t about me, this is about you. What happened, champ?”

“What do you mean...?”

“This habit of yours is dangerous.” His father said. “What if you bleed too much? What if you get an infection?”

“I’m sorry.” Sakuto said. “I’m sorry, please...”

“No, you shouldn’t be apologizing.” His father sighed. “I should be the one saying sorry, son.”

“...huh?”

“You know, when your mother passed away, I started reading more and more.” His father said. “At first, I read books that were designed to help with grief. I loved your mother a lot, it was hard for me to let go of her.”

“But over time, I switched to literature that explained how to truly overcome it. Not just cope with it or survive it, so to say, but to keep living on no matter who you lost.”

“What are you talking about?” Sakuto asked, still in disbelief. “It’s...”

“You never picked up any of those books?” His father asked. “Such a shame. I’m sorry, I should’ve taught you about this type of stuff. You know, I never expected myself to die either.”

“Ah, fuck it...this is my only chance to speak to you, so I’ll just be honest, okay?” Sakuto said, his breathing suddenly growing fast and his voice both shaky and powerful. “I...I’m the one who needs to apologize.”

“What are you-”

“I’m sorry for...this...” Sakuto said, looking at his scarred arm. “I...I thought...I don’t...” He was at a loss of words. “I have no right to do this...”I...I didn’t just fail as a person, I failed as a son...

“No, don’t say that.” His father promptly objected.

“Why shouldn’t I tell the truth, dad?” Sakuto asked. “You’re looking at me from above, you thought I’d live a normal life...all you see is just disappointment after disappointment. I...” He wiped a tear off of his eye. “It shouldn't have...fuck, I don’t even know what to say, I fucked up my life, okay?! It’s fucking hard when no one sees your pain, let alone cares about it!”

“No...get me outta here...get me out of this fucking crystal, I can’t look him in the eyes...”

“I see.” His father took a deep breath. He smiled.

“Remember when we went on a fishing trip that one time? We were both trying to figure things out. It was so awkward, we were so bad at it...but you were smiling and laughing. We managed to catch a fish and cook it.”

The pictures painted themselves in front of the two. It was a sunny day, Sakuto liked sunny weather back then. They were peacefully rowing, sometimes, they playfully splashed water onto each other. Both of them had to hold the fishing rod just to catch one tiny fish.

“Dad...”

“You feel like getting back to the shore?” His father asked. His hands were a little scarred from holding onto the fishing rod for so long. “Or do you wanna catch more?”

He slowly put the fish away.

“Or that one time when we went to the museum. We got bored so fast we just went to grab burgers afterwards. I gotta say, they tasted pretty good. Remember that one time they mixed up our orders and accidentally brought double the food?”

Sakuto remembered even how the burgers tasted.

“You were in pain, weren’t you? You still are.” His father said. They were back in the room together. “And you hid it all this time. Even when I was alive, you never opened up to anyone. I’m...sorry for not seeing things.”

“It’s not your fault, dad. I...I swear, I worded it wrong, I didn’t mean it that way.” Sakuto tried to console him.

“Then who’s fault is it?” His father said. “What if I didn’t enter this room? What if you accidentally hurt yourself? You...weren’t planning to go all the way through, right?!”

“I don’t know...”

“These thoughts of yours, even these habits...” His father sighed. “I’m sorry. I don’t blame you if you hate me.”

“No!” Sakuto yelled, his emotions finally overwhelmed him. “It’s not your fault, damn it! It’s not your fault! You’re not the person I hate!”

“Then who is it?”

“It’s me!” Sakuto said, bursting into tears. “I am that person!” He cried, covering his slightly reddened face. His eye looked sore and full of tears. They slowly rolled down on his cheek. “And I want that person to suffer for the rest of his miserable life because he doesn’t deserve anything!”

“Hey, hey...”

“I’m the one who has to be sorry...” Sakuto said with his shaky voice. “Out of every possible son, you had the shittiest one...I’m...I’m sorry that I’m like this.”

“And I’ll know that outside of this dream...I’ll never get a chance to atone for my mistake.”

“My dad looks at me with kindness, and all I end up doing is hurting him...because...I’m just a fucking failure...”

“Sakuto...”

“You should’ve had a better son.” Sakuto sobbed. “Someone who is actually kind, empathetic and ambitious...someone who can be happy and grateful. Someone who doesn’t hate people.”

“Sakuto, listen...”

“He wouldn’t be a disabled wreck like me. He wouldn’t cut himself too.” Sakuto said. “He would find himself a wife and get you grandkids...you always wanted grandkids, right? And even if you lived, I knew there’s a chance you’d never see them...”

“That son can go fuck himself.”

Sakuto was shocked at the response.

“I see what it is now.” His father smiled. “It’s not the grief that’s tormenting you. It’s the guilt, isn’t it? You think that you’ve done something horrible to me. You think that being sad somehow results in me being disappointed in you. So let me tell you something.”

“Huh?”

“Whether you’re happy or sad doesn’t change the fact that I love you, son.” His father said. “And even if you struggle to trust or connect with other people, you are, and you always will be, my son. Why didn’t you tell me that you were in pain?”

The question caught Sakuto off guard.

“Because if I told you, you’d also be in pain.” Sakuto said. “I didn’t want you to find out because you’d get sad and start blaming yourself.”

“Until his last breath...”

“He cared about me. And I couldn’t respond to that care.”

“That’s why I loathe myself. What if he died thinking that his son didn’t love him?”

“And what father would want that?!”

“You went through a lot, didn’t you?” His father asked.

“Y-yeah...”

“Murder, war, heartbreak...and now, you’re battling something that’s even scarier. But you’re doing just fine. You’re staying strong. Ah...looks like our time is up.”

“What do you mean? Is the dream ending?!” Sakuto asked in shock.

“Kind of.” His father said, extending his hand. Sakuto shook it and asked.

“Huh? What are you-”

“I’m proud of you, son.” He smiled. The strangely shaped skies dripped their vibrant lights into the man’s glasses, better showcasing the depth and content that resided in his eyes.

Sakuto was dead silent.

“Come on, champ.” He said, dragging his son closer to him and embracing him. “I miss you too, but you have to let go. Just like how I tried to.”

Sakuto started crying. All of his built up guilt erupted, expressing itself as an outpour of pure emotion. He clung onto his father.

“I don’t want to...”

“You have to, for your own good.” His father comforted him.

“I’m scared...of losing people...” Sakuto sobbed. “And I’m scared of hurting them like this...”

“It’s okay.” His father said, letting go of the embrace.

“Please...don’t go away...” Sakuto sobbed.

“I have to.” He said, his contour starting to slowly fade away. Sakuto still tried to embrace it. “Hey, look over. It’s you. Life isn’t really all that bad, is it?”

Sakuto looked at the corner of the room. Smallkuto was there, and he had just won his first martial arts competition. His father embraced him, and he embraced him back, and they celebrated. Despite everything, that kid was still him.

Sakuto looked back at his father, his silhouette already almost vanished.

“Stay strong, champ.” His father smiled one last time.

“I’m sorry...” Sakuto whispered, but by that point, the silhouette was already gone. And a bright flash blinded him...

...

Sakuto opened his eyes. He woke up laying on concrete. The hex-shaped sky was still there. It was getting cloudy. Slowly, it got covered in a grayish shade, but the colors were missing. He slowly got up, he felt the drying tears in his eye.

“It felt just like one of my dreams...”

He looked around, and Smallkuto was gone.

“Even I left myself, huh?” He laughed to himself.

“You’re right, dad. I should move on.”

“I know you’d want me to, because you’d want me to be happy.”

He could’ve sworn he was standing, but he found himself laying on his back again...and he didn’t try to get up.

“But happiness is off the table for me.”

“And if I do feel happiness, I just lose it.”

He took a deep breath.

“I should’ve done so many things differently.”

He punched himself in the jaw. It stunned him a little. He punched himself again and this time, he managed to cut his lip open and draw some blood.

“What’s the point of living if life is just a cycle of acquiring hope and losing it in the most painful ways there are...”

His eye closed a little, his body felt utterly weak. The surroundings became darker and darker, as if Sakuto was sinking into the bottom of the ocean, into the darkest pit of despair. At least, that’s what Sakuto mistook the shadows for.

“Talking to dad again was nice, but it just reminded me that he’s gone. And so is everyone else that left me or got killed by me or because of me.”

“It’s so much easier to just...not think at all. To turn your brain off.”

“This darkness...feels so comforting.”

His own shadow escaped from beneath him, creating a strange dim effect on the area. The abyssal depths slowly faded away, replaced by the shadowy darkness, albeit, their effect still didn’t wear off.

“There’s a chill sensation in my head, and all the bad thoughts are gone. I don’t want to leave this place anymore, even if it’s dark.”

“For some reason, I don’t feel a single bad thing here...”

“ ✦ Look at yourself, at the bottom of the abyss... ✦ ”

The darkness disappeared, he found himself in white nothingness. He heard Jackal’s voice.