5 - Understanding A Box Cutter

“Yeah, I know what I did.” Sakuto said over the phone.

“You do understand that the covert nature of the mission was potentially exposed, right?”

“Yeah. But there was no other way.” Sakuto replied to Kaito, who was, from his perspective at least, nagging in his ears and scolding him.

“The release of energy was relatively weak, thankfully. It did not have nearly as much impact as it did when it was used during the war. We didn’t set off any alerts.”

“Alerts?” Sakuto asked. He sat by his desk, in front of his laptop, killing time.

“The powerhouse known as Lady Aizawa.” Kaito continued. “As I said, Europe is her stronghold. If the Heisei had failed to take down Otto Richter, as much as me and Aizawa have our differences, we would find ourselves fighting a common enemy. Unfortunately, however, the tension amidst the strongholds is rather high right now.”

“So another war. Great.” Sakuto said. “I know the paycheck was big and we got to stop a genocide, but give me a damn break.”

“I understand. You must’ve taken the war roughly.”

“Hah, don’t even fucking talk about it.”

“I assume it has also affected your personal life.” Kaito said.

“Yeah...”

“I cannot guarantee how the relationships between the strongholds will develop. She has been making rather bold moves recently in order to provoke me.”

“I don’t know who that is, and I don’t even know what this experiment is all about.” Sakuto said. “But I think I have a lead on him. I know at least one guy that I suspect is associated with him.”

“That is great to hear.” Kaito said. “I treat this seriously because an experimentation of the soul itself might result in the creation of an extremely dangerous soulful.”

“Otto was extremely dangerous too, so we can handle that.” Sakuto yawned. “And yeah, uh, sorry for using my acclamation. My bad if I blew anything.”

“Was there no other option?”

“There wasn’t.” Sakuto quickly answered. “There wasn’t anything else I could’ve done. It was worth it.”

“...”

“Hey, Mr. Kamiki...”

“What is it?”

“Is it true that you’re gonna kill everything that’s soulless?”

“Who told you that information?” Kaito asked, before realizing that he probably shouldn’t have reacted that way.

“You already know which three other people...I guess, now it’s two, or even just one...I hang around with.” Sakuto said. “That thing you did, the so-called ascension, was it part of that plan?”

“The extent of my power is unknown even to me.” Kaito said.

“Just be honest, Mr. Kamiki.”

“Here is your honest answer - I do not know.” Kaito said. “There are too many variables. Too many unknown factors. Do you remember the first time you utilized your own power, Sakuto? Would you ever imagine that you’d gain an ability as powerful as your acclamation?”

“Well, I sure hoped I’d become strong.” Sakuto said. “Stupidly strong, in fact. I always daydreamed about being one of those badly-written overpowered protagonists that get tossed in a lake in the first chapter and destroy the universe in the third.”

“It is the same uncertainty that I am experiencing now. Considering the potential of my power, it is easy to make a narrative that I will do this and that. But the truth is, I don’t know.”

“I understand...the person who told me about this also said they heard it from one of Otto’s dogs, so yeah, maybe that’s the case.” Sakuto sighed. “But hey, if you ever decide to actually kill every soulless human, I wouldn’t even object to it.”

“Matter of fact, you’d probably do the right thing.” Sakuto laughed to himself saying that. He remembered the distant, unsuccessfully covert laughter of all the faces in the campus. “I’ve gotten so tired of all those soulless assholes...”

“I’ll try my hardest to carry on my ambition of fixing the many flaws of this world, Sakuto.” Kaito said. He was smiling on the other end of the line. “In fact, let me rephrase that. I will create a soulful world.”

“Thank you.” Sakuto said. “If there aren’t any other mission details, I’ll hang up.”

“Go ahead. Good luck.” Kaito hung up first.

Sakuto put his phone away and stared at his laptop. He felt strange after that conversation. He killed a few hours worth of time, and he started feeling even more strange. So he decided to talk to his friend.

“Huh? What happened?” Oskar said as he joined the voice call.

“Why do you act like I drank a bottle of cleaning acid every time I call you?” Sakuto asked. “Nothing happened. I just felt like joining the call.”

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“I don’t know, man.” Oskar said. “That’s not too far off from you.”

“If I wanted to end things, I wouldn’t drink acid. It’s stupid, it’s gonna burn through your stomach and be excruciatingly painful.” Sakuto said. “The whole point is to get rid of the pain, not amplify it a million times before you go to the other side.”

“So, what’s up?”

“I almost tracked down Nacht. I met this one guy who’s acting a little weird, I’ll investigate him further. I had to use my acclamation.”

“Oh, that’s cool. You didn’t go too overboard with it, right?”

“Nah.” Sakuto said. “I kinda wish I did, though. You know, when I think about the soulless, the first thing that comes to my mind is “fuck ‘em”. I wouldn’t care if a few of them got accidentally or intentionally chopped apart.”

“But Mr Kamiki would.”

“That’s also debatable, but I just want to make sure he doesn’t have to give too many explanations to the media.” Sakuto said. “Man, I don’t know. I’ve been feeling weird as shit lately. It’s like all the shit that’s been in my life is hitting me all at once. I got to know the rest of the Heisei better, one of them has this ability that basically fries your brain... I feel like I got hit by it but instead of useful information it’s just the miserable spectacle that is life.”

“I guess.”

“Come to think of it, I haven’t felt this way ever since I became a soulful. Which is coincidentally the same time I met Ichika. But it’s fine, I don’t care about it anymore. It is what it is, can’t change anything about that.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, I don’t really care about it. She’s the one who said she doesn’t trust me, right? And she’s the one who broke things off anyways. And then there’s the whole thing with the war too, if the war didn’t happen and we actually got to stick together and talk things out, maybe we would’ve understood each other better. She was the only fucking one who could do such a thing.”

“Mhm.”

“Are you listening to me or are you just using my voice as jerk-off instructions?” Sakuto asked, annoyed by his friend’s lack of response.

“No, I’m just waiting for you to finish your rant so I can tell you to be honest.” Oskar said, he seemed disappointed but determined. “Do you still think about Ichika?”

“Nah.”

“I think about her all the time. Every single night, every time I’m distracted, every time I see a couple on campus and every single time I hear the word soulful.”

“Right. So we’re just lying.”

“And what if I am?” Sakuto asked. “What’s gonna change? She’s out of the picture. Despite being absolutely perfect. She was smart, she was funny, she was pretty, she was strong, she was like me. She was like me! Do you know how fucking rare that is?!”

“Sakuto, would you be willing to talk things over if given the chance?”

“And seem desperate?”

“Right, and what if it’s a mutual conversation? What if you both decide to talk things over?”

“Then maybe.” Sakuto said. “And by maybe, I mean probably no. You know, it’s not easy to trust someone. I thought you’d know that tiny but apparently very important detail about me.”

“Well, I’ll leave it up to you.” Oskar said.

“I’ll hop off now, I’m sleepy as shit.” Sakuto said.

“Alright.” Oskar left the call. “Good enough for now, I’ll let Ausra know about this. My God...they both want to get back together, but getting them to talk in the first place...that’s what me and the best babysitter in the world Ausra have to do.”

Sakuto kept staring at his laptop, playing with a box cutter with his right hand. The blade was extended, but Sakuto had good hands, the chance of slip-ups was zero.

“What if we both decided to talk things over? Well...”

“Maybe in another life.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever actually find love. If it didn’t work out with Ichika, someone who was my perfect match, it’s not gonna work with anyone else.”

He stared at the screen more intensely, he stopped spinning the box cutter. His left hand was on the desk.

“But it would be nice to have.”

“Imagine how nice a hug would feel...”

He neared the blade to his wrist, the tip of the blade slowly pushed against the edge of his skin. Sakuto was lost in his thoughts, he heard nothing and despite having his eyes open he saw nothing either. He could only absorb a thin static rampaging through his ears, subtly converting to him that he’s lost touch with reality.

“Why do I feel like all the bad thoughts are going away?”

“Yeah, a nice warm hug.”

“Or even yet, some words of reassurance and comfort. Yeah, reassurance...”

“Just being told that you’re loved...”

“And that everything will be okay.”

Just as he started to feel something, Sakuto snapped out of his derealized state. He flinched and threw the box cutters away, they landed on the wall in front of him and scratched it a little. Sakuto was slightly out of breath.

“What the fuck...”

“Is this the point that I’ve come to?!”

“Nah...”

He rested his head on his elbows. The night wasn’t rainy at all, there was silence which reigned supreme outside that felt deafeningly powerful, it grabbed onto Sakuto’s throat and deprived him of the oxygen he needed to not fall into a bad state.

“Ichika isn’t the only girl in the world, yet I feel like I won’t be able to ever love anyone. Every time I catch feelings for someone, I’ll remember her, and I’ll think of her and the situation. And I’ll still be stuck on her.”

“Just kidding...I’ll never even get close to anyone.”

“Should’ve been a sociable person. Should’ve been a people lover.”

“Especially that Jacob guy. He just wanted to help me, he’s a soulful, he seems like someone I’d be friends with.”

“And I treated him like shit with my outburst, and...I scared the hell out of him with my acclamation.”

“Should’ve been normal.”

“I can’t even interact with people who want to interact with me.”

“Oskar already sounds like he’s tired of me.”

“I won’t have anyone else soon.”

“It’s all your fault...”

“It’s all...”

“Because of you!”

Sakuto abruptly grabbed the box cutter and struck his arm with it. Each such strike was like a cut that felt like a punch. The sharp and frustrated motions left clear marks, it felt like his arm moved on itself, acting on sheer impulse and emotion. He did that motion around five times. He didn’t even feel too much pain at the moment.

The result was a mess that left him speechless. He looked at the scars, he could see the blood slowly leak from them and he could even smell its iron-ish scent. He slowly dropped the box cutter and just looked at his forearm in silence. It hurt, there was a burning sensation, and a drop of blood even dripped on his desk.

He just looked at it in silence, and a bit later, went to sleep.