9 - Date!

“Who am I?”

“I’m Ichika Hanasaki.”

“I’m the person I hate the most.”

“And it’s not even a question. I mean, really. Everything bad that has ever happened to me has been my fault. It’s all because I’m stupid, weak, worthless and better off dead.”

“I wonder how good the world would be if I was dead.”

“Hm...Sakuto would be sad.”

“Yeah, I shouldn’t be dead. Sakuto would get really sad, and if I made him sad, I wouldn’t forgive myself. So that means if I make him sad, it’ll be my fault. Obviously. That shouldn’t even be a question. If I do something to hurt someone, it’s my fault.”

“So what is it that hurts Sakuto? What should I avoid? Well, I should probably be more happy and cheerful. Guys like girls who are a little dumb and cheerful. But Sakuto isn’t like that. What does he even like in me?”

“Is it my body? I have a nice body. I like my body. It looks nice, it’s pretty strong, and I’m his type. Does this mean he only loves me for my body? No, that’s not the case. We’ve explored each other’s bodies, but it’s definitely not the only reason he’s with me. There’s probably a million other girls that are more attractive than me. If he cared about the body that much, he would’ve gone with them.”

“So what does he love about me? Should I ask him? No, he might think I’m stupid because of it. Because it’s a stupid question. I see it on social media all the time, it’s one of those questions that irritate guys.”

“What if he likes my intelligence? He says that I’m smart. Is he lying or telling the truth? I trust him. That means I trust that he won’t lie to me, so he’s telling the truth. Right, I trust him. But am I really that smart?”

“What if he likes me because I’m strong? Or because I’m funny? What does he even like about me? I’m just a failure of a human that leeches onto others and pulls them down, deep into the abyss.”

“Then how come he tells you that you help him push through it?”

“Is it because he’s also in the abyss? Are things working out between us because neither of us is pulling the other one down or dragging the other one up? Maybe. Maybe that’s the case.”

“You still haven’t answered my question, Ichika.”

“So what’s your question, Ichika?”

“Ichika, do you want to die?”

“Not really.”

“But don’t you miss wanting to die?”

“No, because now I miss Sakuto every time he’s gone. Or anywhere, really. I miss him and I think about him a lot. I think it’s okay to miss the person you love.”

“You’re changing the topic, Ichika.”

“I also noticed how I have an easier time talking to him. It’s so easy for us to hold a conversation. We talk about so many things, he knows a lot about different things so he teaches me stuff and I do the same and it’s really cute.”

“You’re changing the topic, Ichika.”

“I love him a lot.”

“You’re changing the topic, Ichika.”

“Get out.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to think about him and not you.”

“She’s got a point, you know?”

“You don’t want to die anymore because the hole of emptiness inside you is now stuffed with Sakuto instead of your self-loathing.”

“I guess that’s true. But hey, that’s a good thing. I love him.”

“You haven’t been cutting yourself because you know that he doesn’t want anyone hurting you, including yourself.”

“Yeah.”

“Am I doing so because I’m scared he might leave me, or am I doing so because he’s genuinely helping me?”

“You’re doing this because he gave you a purpose. Just like you did to him. He even told you about it, it all makes sense. Just think about it.”

“Think.”

“Think.”

“We are keeping each other afloat, right? That’s a good thing. If I feel bad, he’s there to cheer me up. If he feels bad, I’m there to cheer him up. Everything is really nice and works really nice and I don’t want anything to ever change. I love him. I love this thing we have.”

“If the hole that was previously filled by my self-hatred is now filled with him, why do I still hate myself at times? Why does he still hate himself at times?”

“I’m overthinking again.”

“Every time I overthink, I realize how worthless I am. I really am worthless, am I not? These thoughts are coming back again. What if I’m not wanted? What if he doesn’t love me or trust me? What if I’m not enough?”

“I hate this, I hate everything...”

“Please, save me...”

Ichika felt something press against her cheek. It was Sakuto’s finger, as he stood next to the couch Ichika was resting on, looking as if she was asleep or unconscious or even dead.

“Whatcha doing?” Sakuto asked.

“Just thinking about stuff.” Ichika said.

“We have some free time, so I had an idea.” Sakuto said. “Let’s go on a date.”

“Huh?”

“Yeah, let’s go on a date. Let’s go out somewhere and spend time together.” Sakuto said. “Although I don’t know what makes this different from just a hangout... is it the lovey-dovey stuff?”

“Oh God, we’re gonna become like those couples that are all over each other in public.”

“I’ll try to make sure that doesn’t happen.” Sakuto said. “Back then when I saw a happy couple in the street I wanted to throw a brick at them. Or sometimes if they looked genuine I just wished them good luck in life.”

“I’m sure no one will try to throw bricks at us if you decide to wear your uniform.”

“Hell no, I’m gonna wear some normal comfy clothes.” Sakuto said. “And as for the date plan, we’ll just improvise.”

He got closer to Ichika and hugged her. “I missed this feeling so much...”

“Huh...? Did you watch a twelve episode romance overnight?”

“No, I just realized that I really, really like hugs.” Sakuto said. “I can’t believe this was what I missed out on. Hugging you is the best thing ever.”

Ichika smiled and hugged him back, slowly caressing his head with her hand. In reality, she really needed a hug at that moment.

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“Yeah, there’s no question. He’s the reason there’s things in life I don’t hate. He’s my soulmate.”

...

It was a calm, cloudy day outside, the clouds acting as a warm blanket for the world, protecting it from the sun. Sakuto had his usual sports outfit on, and Ichika had something similar. But they really didn’t care about their appearances.

They just enjoyed walking together. It felt strange, surreal that they were even there, doing that with a person like that next to them, but it felt nice nonetheless. And they were both nervous, very nervous in fact, just the right amount of nervous to be alert of every small thing happening around them, overthinking whether or not they will try to derail their experience. They walked in the older parts of the city, a bit further away from the tall and intimidating glass and cement monsters.

“So uhh...you wanna go anywhere?” Sakuto asked.

“Dunno. Walking like this is fine too.” Ichika replied, holding Sakuto’s hand. Neither of them would have thought they’d be holding hands with someone and going for a casual walk outside.

“Maybe we should get some food?” Sakuto asked.

“I don’t know. We could.” Ichika said. “But I really don’t feel like going to a restaurant. Besides, I doubt we’re gonna find one nearby, we walked a little too much...”

“Well, that’s not a problem.” Sakuto said. “We can get something pre-made from a supermarket.”

“That sounds cozy.”

“Hm?”

“We could watch a movie back in the hotel...” Ichika said with a dreamy voice. “And eat some cheap instant noodles or spicy chips...”

“Yeah, sounds like a good time...but if that’s what we’re gonna do, why did we even go outside in the first place?” Sakuto asked.

“Uhh, because...” Ichika thought. “Because it’s nice. And it’s good for your health to go out for some fresh air.”

“I don’t know if you can find fresh air in a city, but yeah, I guess that’s true...” Sakuto said, scratching his head. They entered the market and quickly rushed over to the snacks aisle, grabbing bags upon bags of food.

“I’ve never gone out to walk with a girl. And now I’m shopping with her too, preparing for a movie night...”

“It feels nice, but it also feels strange.”

“I remember the last time we went out, we weren’t even this close yet but we had plenty of fun.” Ichika said. “When we went to the dumpling spot and the arcade.”

“Yeah, it was fun. Man, I wonder how things are back in Tokyo...I wonder what my apartment looks like.”

“Maybe some homeless guy is living there now.” Ichika laughed.

“It would be a shame.” Sakuto sighed. “Hey, Ichika, if you wanna head back, let’s go. I have an idea.”

“Hm?”

“After we’re done here, we’ll leave in style.” Sakuto said. The cashier seemed disappointed in the sheer volume of snacks, but scanned them nonetheless. Even though the total cost was surprising and by no means low, the Heisei’s funds came in clutch.

Sakuto left the store earlier with the bags, and Ichika stayed inside a little longer because she decided at the last second that she needed more candy. Sakuto went towards the sidewalk, and something appeared in his eyes on the road.

It looked like a bag of trash, or a dead animal. He slowly approached it, confusing the day for night and the traffic-busy street for an empty and deserted one. And he saw that the object wasn’t moving. It was something that was supposed to be alive, but was still as ice. And a few moments later, he heard a gunshot.

And he saw himself. It was night, and he saw himself glaring at a corpse, with another corpse closer to him. He wanted to throw up, but he did it instead, and he was soon approached by a familiar face. And the night didn’t end, the sounds of the traffic were now mistaken for cicadas or crickets playing in the deafening silence that transformed into a static.

“Sakuto!” Ichika approached him. “Sorry I took a while. We can go back now.”

“Ah, right.”

Sakuto heard a gunshot.

“Huh?”

“I said, if you’d paid more attention, you wouldn’t have forgotten the mints you wanted. You were so distracted...” Ichika complained. A few seconds later, she came a little closer to him and put her hand on his shoulder.

“Is everything alright?” She asked. “Your soul presence is pretty high.”

“Yeah, I’m managing it just fine. Thanks.” Sakuto smiled. “Can you hug me from behind?”

“Uhh...okay?” Ichika said, confused. She held onto the heavy snack-filled bags and embraced Sakuto just the way he asked. “If you wanna do this type of stuff, we should probably do it at home...”

“No, it’s so you don’t fall off.” Sakuto said. “Hang tight.”

His shadow expanded in size and arose from the ground. It broke segments of the sidewalk beneath it and threw the two soulfuls in the air, before catching them on its back. The shadow looked akin to a pterodactyl, and flew off into the sky, soaring high above the city.

“This is what you had in mind?!” Ichika exclaimed. “This is fucking awesome!”

“This is what you’re missing out on every time you tell me not to act cool with shadow manipulation.” Sakuto smiled.

“Yeah, because it’s annoying to constantly see you pop in and out of shadows instead of walking around.” Ichika complained again. “But this...this is nice.”

“I wonder if it can go even faster...” Sakuto thought.

“You wanna turn this into a rollercoaster?”

“Yeah, a rollercoaster good enough to be exciting for desensitized people.” Sakuto laughed. “Let’s go!”

The creature dove down, only a few dozen metres higher than the highest buildings around, and flew with incredible speeds, piercing through the air. Ichika tightly held onto Sakuto, resting her head on his shoulder. Sakuto held onto his mount, carefully navigating the terrain before soaring even higher...

...

It was raining rather heavily later that day, and the two were sitting on the couch of their hotel room’s living room. They had heaps of cozy blankets over them, and were busy watching the TV that they managed to configure into showing fluffy romance anime instead of corporate slop reality shows.

They had some lazily prepared and probably overcooked instant noodle cups on the table, and the whole place was a mess. But while the snacks and the series were comforting, what really made the night special was them. Neither had fancy clothes or extensive preparation, everything seemed rather clumsy. But that’s what made it so special for Sakuto.

“Just being like this with someone...”

“There’s no barriers between us right now, I can just be with her without having to pretend or pander.”

“Fancy dates and all are nice, but it’s these everyday things that make it special.”

“Just knowing that there’s a person that is special to you next to you.”

“Sakuto, we’re lucky we came back. The rain is pretty bad.” Ichika said.

“Yeah.” Sakuto said. “I like rain though.”

“Yeah?” Ichika said, snuggling a little closer to Sakuto.

“Mhm.” Sakuto said, returning the embrace. “It’s nice and comforting. Especially the rain in summer.”

“Yeah, it feels nice and warm.” Ichika yawned, stretching a little. “I like rain too, but as long as I’m not outside.”

“Are you tired?”

“Kinda...bumming around on the couch like this the whole evening made me tired.”

“You can take a nap.”

“I’m watching the show though.” Ichika said. “I need to see them confess.”

”It’s been almost the whole season and they haven’t confessed yet.” Sakuto said. “Despite living like a functional couple.”

“Then I’ll stay up and watch the second season.”

“There never is a second season.” Sakuto said, his expression dead serious for a few seconds.

He looked at Ichika getting more and more comfortable next to him and decided to return the gesture, by slowly patting her head and playing with her hair. Ichika enjoyed it and snuggled even closer.

“Away from everything else...” Ichika took a deep and content breath. “Away from all the bad things.”

“Him being here, next to me, means that there’s a place where the bad thoughts can’t get to me. They’ll creep in, they’ll drag me down, but they’ll never really get to me.”

“Just thinking about it makes me dizzy.”

“Just the fact that someone like this really exists. Just the fact that I can be like this. That I can hold onto him and feel safe and wanted.”

“I’m sure he feels the same way.”

Ichika raised her head a little, looking Sakuto in the eyes. Sakuto noticed her soft and vulnerable gaze, and looked back at her. And they both leaned in.

Their lips, as soft as pillows, collided against one another, reinforcing their spiritual connection with this bodily act. They shared a brief but deep kiss, savoring each moment, and yet being so indulged in it that it felt as if time itself was skipped. Once the awkward yet passionate kiss was broken, Ichika let herself go and fell into Sakuto’s embrace.

“More...I want more...” Ichika whispered to herself before her tiredness finally got the best of herself. Or maybe it was the sense of comfort that put her to sleep like that.

And amidst the cuddling, they held one another’s hands.

“So this is how it feels...” Sakuto thought, squeezing her hand.

“It’s the same as the first time we embraced each other. I don’t have to worry about anything here.”

“There’s at least one person who is special to me. At least one person who I can melt into and not be rejected. I don’t see anything that can get in our way.”

“Away from all the bad things...I feel safe here.”

“I always wondered how it’d feel to be this close to someone who genuinely loves you.”

“It feels even better than I thought.”

And so, a few seconds later, he also closed his eyes. His mind was clear and a faint smile appeared on his face. All he could feel was Ichika. They both woke up an hour or so later. They saw each other’s gaze first, and kissed again. Sakuto was half-dreamy, just like his soulmate. Once he broke the kiss, Ichika pulled him back in.

“More...” she whispered.

So they kissed again. They kissed, and wanted to get more of each other, more than they could convey into words. They wanted to feel inseparable, so their last barriers, their clothes, were thrown away. They connected through an unforgettable night...