CHAPTER 169: CHAPTER 168: EMILIA TRIES DIPLOMACY (AND FAILS)

The Velvet Manor had seen many things—Dragon-girl duels, demon engagement announcements. At least three separate holy crusades launched from the dining room table. But today... today it was "Diplomatic Tea Hour."

The parlor, a beautiful room of polished marble floors and velvet curtains, was normally meant for pleasant tea parties with foreign ambassadors. Today, however, it looked more like the set of a hostage negotiation drama.

In the center: a round table.

On one side: Emilia Roseveil, noble childhood friend, now paladin-in-training, armed with tea etiquette and a suspicious amount of holy sugar cubes.

On the other side: Lucivella Nightshade, Demon Lord Supreme, Queen of Smug, sitting like the villainess of every bedtime story who decided tea parties were just war councils with cookies.

And in the middle, strapped once again into a "safety chair" by Rosette, was Rei Velvet, victim-slash-groom-to-be, who wanted nothing more than to sink into the floor and never be found again.

[New Event Triggered: "Diplomatic Tea Summit of Doom."]

[Objective: Do not die from flying porcelain.]

[Reward: Slight chance of peace (statistically 0.00001%).]

[Who thought this was a good idea?]

Emilia straightened her back, adjusted her silver paladin uniform, and smiled her best "reasonable noble lady" smile.

"Lady Lucivella," she began, voice as smooth as a peace treaty, "thank you for agreeing to sit down. Let us at least try to be civilized for Rei’s sake."

Rei tugged at his ribbons. "Yes, please, let’s be civil because civil is good and it means no explosions."

Lucivella lifted her porcelain teacup with regal grace. "Civilized, hmm? Very well." She sipped daintily, then set the cup down with a delicate clink. "Tell me, Lady Emilia... how many of your limbs would you prefer to keep when this conversation ends?"

The room went silent.

Emilia blinked, her diplomatic smile twitching. "...I’m sorry?"

Lucivella tilted her head, eyes glowing faintly silver. "An arm, a leg, perhaps a hand? It seems only fair to allow you the choice."

Rei nearly choked on his own tongue. "WH—WHY IS THAT THE FIRST QUESTION OF THE MEETING?!"

"Because," Lucivella said calmly, "this is diplomacy and in diplomacy, offers must be made."

[Textbook of demon diplomacy is very effective but very illegal.]

[Warning: Rei’s stress level at 87%.]

Emilia’s smile cracked. She reached for the teapot, poured herself a cup, and muttered through clenched teeth. "I came here to talk, not to play your games."

Lucivella leaned forward, resting her chin on her hand. "My dear Emilia, everything is a game. And I always win."

That was the moment diplomacy ended.

With a sharp inhale, Emilia grabbed her teacup—still steaming hot—and hurled the entire contents across the table at Lucivella’s perfect face.

SPLASH.

Lucivella blinked as blessed rosehip tea dripped down her cheek. For a full five seconds, the room was silent.

Then the table exploded.

BOOOOOOOOM.

[Environmental Hazard Triggered: "Explosive Demon Aura."]

[Casualties: One mahogany table. Several innocent teacups.]

[And people say tea parties are boring.]

The blast sent Rei’s chair rolling backward until he crashed into the wall, ribbons and all. "I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN! WHY DOES EVERY CONVERSATION END IN FIREBALLS?!"

Lucivella wiped her cheek with a napkin, completely unbothered, then smiled with a terrifying sweetness. "How refreshing. I was beginning to worry you lacked spirit."

Emilia stood, drawing her silver sword, eyes blazing. "I will never let Rei fall into your clutches! You’re nothing but a parasite feeding on his kindness!"

"Funny," Lucivella said, standing as well, her gown fluttering like it had its own demonic wind machine. "He seems to blush quite willingly whenever I touch him. Hardly parasitism—unless you consider affection a disease."

"IT IS A DISEASE!" Emilia shouted. "AND I AM THE CURE!"

The room shook with magical pressure. On one side, holy light blazed from Emilia’s sword. On the other, Lucivella’s aura spread shadows across the walls like ink.

Rei groaned from the corner. "WHY DOES NOBODY EVER ASK WHAT I WANT?!"

[New Minigame Activated: "Tea Party Survival."]

[Rules: Do not get vaporized by holy swords or demonic blasts.]

[Bonus Reward: A cookie (crumbled).]

Emilia swung first, slashing down with a radiant arc of holy light. Lucivella raised one hand, caught the blade between two fingers, and smirked.

"Cute."

Emilia’s eyes widened. "That’s—impossible!"

Lucivella flicked her hand, sending shockwaves that blew every chair and teacup into the ceiling. Porcelain shards rained down like shrapnel.

Rei screamed as a saucer embedded itself in the wall two inches from his face. "I DIDN’T EVEN GET TO DRINK MY TEA!"

Emilia lunged again, this time aiming at Lucivella’s shoulder. Lucivella sidestepped gracefully, heels clicking on the cracked marble. She countered by snapping her fingers, and a dozen shadowy tendrils whipped toward Emilia like snakes.

Emilia slashed through them, yelling, "Your tricks won’t work on me, demon!"

Lucivella leaned in, whispering across the clash of steel and magic: "Oh, darling, they’re not tricks but foreplay."

The BLUSHOMETER—which Rosette had sneakily reinstalled in the corner—immediately spiked from "Normal" to "Crisis."

Rei slammed his head against the wall. "STOP MAKING EVERYTHING SOUND SEDUCTIVE!"

[Warning: Blush Overload Detected.]

[Side Effect: Rei may faint again.]

[At this point, fainting would be a strategic retreat.]

Just when Rei thought things couldn’t get worse, the door burst open.

"WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?!" Lilia bellowed, sword of light already drawn.

"DIPLOMACY!" Rei screamed. "BAD DIPLOMACY!"

Behind her, Drakana barged in, fists blazing with dragonfire. "IF THE DEMON TOUCHES HIM AGAIN, I’M BURNING THIS HOUSE DOWN!"

Rosette followed silently, carrying what looked suspiciously like a missile launcher disguised as a broom.

Within seconds, the "tea parlor" had transformed into a full-blown battlefield.

Lucivella laughed, twirling elegantly as Emilia swung at her again. "Ah, nothing like a good cup of tea to start a war."

"I’LL KILL YOU!" Emilia roared.

"I’LL MARRY HIM FIRST!" Lilia screamed.

"NOT IF I BITE HIS NECK FIRST!" Drakana growled.

Rosette pressed a button. Turrets unfolded from the chandelier.

And Rei, still tied to a chair and sliding along the wall from the magical shockwaves, buried his face in his hands and sobbed: "I just wanted caffeine..."

[Diplomacy Attempt #1]

[Result: Table destroyed, The manor was heavily damaged and Rei soaked in holy tea.]

[Casualties: One teapot, seventeen cups, Rei’s sanity.]

[Achievement Unlocked: "Tea Party Massacre."]

[Congratulations, You have invented ’Tea-lateral War.’]

The dust settled hours later. The parlor was rubble. Smoke curled from the curtains. A lone teabag floated sadly in a puddle on the floor.

Rei sat in the ruins, dripping tea, still strapped to his blasted chair. His expression was hollow, his soul clearly broken.

"Never again," he whispered. "No more tea parties. Ever."

Lucivella stepped daintily over debris, completely unscathed, and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "We should do this again sometime."

The BLUSHOMETER beeped faintly, then exploded into sparks.

"NO!" Rei wailed.

[Note: Diplomacy officially declared dead.]

[Buckle up. Your suffering has only just begun.]

The smoke had barely cleared when the neighbors got involved.

The next room’s ceiling caved in, dumping the Chess Club’s forgotten tournament board directly onto Rei’s lap. A pawn bounced off his forehead.

"Checkmate," he muttered weakly, eyes glazed.

"Don’t you dare die dramatically on me, Rei!" Emilia barked, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him hard enough that his chair rattled against the cracked wall.

"I think he’s already halfway gone," Lilia sighed, fanning him with what used to be a hymn sheet but was now mostly ash. "His soul has that hollow... tea-traumatized look."

"Better hollow than claimed by a demon parasite," Emilia snapped, glaring daggers at Lucivella.

Lucivella was calmly applying powder to her cheek as if tea stains were just an accessory. "Parasite? Darling, I prefer the term symbiotic romance. I give him affection, he gives me political leverage. Perfectly balanced, as all relationships should be."

"THAT IS NOT BALANCE!" Rei screamed, suddenly alive enough to protest. "THAT’S A HOSTILE TAKEOVER WITH EXTRA FLIRTING!"

[System Observation]

[Rei’s mental stability at 34%.]

[System Advice: Try deep breathing exercises. Or cry harder—it won’t help, but it’s funny.]

The parlor doors opened again. This time, the maid staff peeked in. Their horrified expressions spoke volumes as they gazed upon the crater where the tea table once stood, the shattered china littering the floor, and Rosette perched calmly atop a chandelier-mounted turret.

"Um... should we... bring more tea?" one maid asked, trembling.

Rei roared: "NO MORE TEA!"

His voice cracked like thunder. Somewhere deep in the manor, an enchanted kettle shattered spontaneously. The maids retreated in terror.

"See?" Emilia said triumphantly. "He doesn’t want you, Demon Lord!"

"Correction," Lucivella purred, sidestepping a still-burning table leg. "He doesn’t want tea. Which, frankly, I agree with. This brand was terribly bitter."

Emilia’s hands shook with righteous fury. "I’ll end you—"

"Ladies!" Rei cried, his chair scooting forward helplessly. "Can’t we just... drink juice? Lemonade? Literally anything non-explosive?"

"Lemonade diplomacy," Drakana muttered, cracking her knuckles. "Better than holy grenades, I guess."

[System New Proposal]

[Alternative Event: "Juice Summit."]

[Projected Failure Rate: 99.9%.]

[But hey, maybe apple juice won’t explode.]

While everyone bickered, Rosette silently adjusted her "Anti-Demon Engagement Protocols" panel hidden behind a wall. A dozen new switches gleamed ominously. She pressed one.

BEEP.

Above Rei’s head, a glowing sign lit up in blood-red letters:

"DO NOT KISS THE GROOM — PENALTY: IMMEDIATE OBLITERATION."

Rei stared at it, then at Rosette. "...You built signage into the death traps?!"

She gave him a serene nod.

Lucivella glanced up at the sign, then smirked. "Adorable. But unnecessary."

She leaned forward suddenly—so suddenly Rei yelped in mortal terror—her lips a hair’s breadth from his cheek again.

The chandelier turret began glowing, charging up a laser.

"NO, STOP, THIS IS HOW HOUSES BURN DOWN!" Rei screamed.

Lucivella giggled, pulling back just in time. The turret shut down reluctantly, as if disappointed it didn’t get to vaporize anyone.

"See?" she whispered sweetly. "Even your house wants us together."

Rei’s soul left his body.

[Rei’s blush level: Nuclear.]

[Side Effect: Heart palpitations detected.]

[System Recommendation: Hospitalize him. Preferably underground.]

By the time the sun set, Velvet Manor’s parlor was unrecognizable. A cratered ruin, with embers smoldering in the corners, blessed water puddling across the marble, and porcelain shards crunching underfoot.

Rei, still tied to his half-charred chair, stared blankly at the ceiling. "They’ll send me the bill for this, won’t they?"

"Yes," Rosette answered flatly, already scribbling expenses into a ledger.

"Unbelievable," he muttered. "I didn’t even drink the tea. I suffered through a war... and didn’t even get caffeine."

Lucivella crouched beside him, brushing wet hair from his forehead. "Don’t worry, fiancé. Next time, I’ll bring wine."

The BLUSHOMETER sparked again. Rei let out the weakest cry in history: "Please no..."

[Diplomacy Status: Dead.]

[Engagement Status: Very Alive.]

[Mission Reminder: Survive your fiancée until breakfast.]

[Spoiler—you won’t.]

To be continued...