CHAPTER 173: CHAPTER 172: COFFIN BEDS & SABOTAGE PLANS

Rei woke up to the cozy, suffocating embrace of... mahogany.

The world was dark, smelled faintly of polished wood, and pressed against him on all sides. When he shifted, something rattled above his head like brass hinges. He reached up—and his hand smacked into a lid.

"...Wait a second." Rei’s heart jumped into his throat. He pushed harder, and the lid creaked open just a fraction, letting in a sliver of candlelight.

He sat up and immediately regretted it. He was lying inside a coffin not metaphorically nor a weird bed frame with a Gothic aesthetic but An actual coffin, lined in black velvet, with silver clasps that could lock shut from the outside. His blanket was embroidered with stitched roses and ominous skulls, and a small placard nailed to the footboard read in elegant script: "Property of Lord Rei, Groom-to-Be."

"...Oh come on!" Rei slapped his forehead. "First the spoon tunnel, now the vampire starter kit—what’s next, embalming fluid for breakfast?"

[Congratulations! You have unlocked the "Bridal Coffin" Luxury Upgrade.]

[Comfort Rating: 8/10. Breathability: 1/10.]

[Please refrain from haunting yourself before marriage.]

Rei groaned. "It’s not a bridal coffin! It’s a—"

The lid creaked further open. Rosette’s pale face loomed above him, her dark eyes glinting in the candlelight. She tilted her head, expression calm as a frozen lake.

"It’s for your safety, Master Rei," she said softly. "The other fiancées are too dangerous. Only a containment pod of this caliber will protect you."

Rei blinked at her. "...You mean coffin."

"Pre-Marital Containment Pod," Rosette corrected firmly.

"That’s literally a coffin!"

"Semantics." She closed the lid on him again.

"HEY!" Rei pounded from the inside.

[New Status Acquired: "Prematurely Buried (But Engaged)."]

[Warning: Suffocation may occur in 2 hours if not ventilated.]

[Consider haunting your brides early as a head start.]

By the time Rosette let Rei out (after a full lecture on "restful Gothic beauty sleep"), he discovered that the castle had officially entered Sabotage Week.

Apparently, the wedding countdown had triggered some kind of multiversal panic. Each fiancée now devoted herself not only to winning his hand, but to sabotaging the others in increasingly unhinged ways.

The corridors of the Academy looked less like an institution of higher learning and more like a war crimes tribunal waiting to happen.

First came Lilia. She stormed into breakfast waving a fifty-page scroll stamped with the royal crest.

"Rei belongs to me under Binding Oath Law 47B, Subsection Fiancé Ownership Clause!" she declared, slamming the scroll onto the table so hard it cracked the wood. "By the authority of my noble house, I hereby sue every rival for illegal romantic trespassing!"

Rei spat out his tea. "You’re SUING for my love?!"

"Yes!" she snapped, eyes blazing. "I prepared three judges, a court scribe, and a jury of twelve plush bears to ensure fairness."

[New Side Quest: "Courtroom Drama: The Case of Rei’s Stolen Affections."]

[Estimated Duration: Endless. Legal Fees: Your soul.]

Rei groaned. "I don’t need a trial—I need aspirin!"

Next was Princess Seraphina. She appeared above the courtyard, wings spread, holding a holy staff that glowed like the wrath of a thousand paladins.

"Behold!" she cried. "If the demon wedding proceeds, then Heaven itself shall rain down holy meteors upon this land!"

The students screamed as a fiery rock the size of a carriage hurtled from the sky and narrowly missed the library.

"Princess!" Rei flailed. "You can’t just threaten meteor strikes as sabotage!"

Her halo blazed. "I can and I will! For love is worth burning the world!"

[Warning: Meteor showers scheduled every evening until cancellation of demonic nuptials.]

[Umbrella Upgrade Suggested: +500 Fire Resistance.]

Meanwhile, Drakana had chosen more... agricultural approach.

Rei discovered her in the gardens, shirt half-torn, hair wild, surrounded by crates buzzing ominously.

"Drakana," he asked cautiously, "why is the courtyard full of bees?"

She grinned, eyes glowing with dragon fire. "Simple. I will unleash this swarm during the ceremony. Whoever isn’t immune to venom—or brave enough to stand their ground—will flee! Then only your true mate will remain!"

Rei turned pale. "That’s not romantic, that’s a horror movie!"

The bees buzzed louder, forming the vague shape of a wedding veil.

[New Hazard Detected: "Bridezilla Bees."]

[Estimated Casualties: Everyone except possibly honey enthusiasts.]

Emilia, naturally, went with kidnapping. Rei barely made it two steps into the west wing before a lasso tightened around his waist and yanked him into a dark closet.

"Shhh!" hissed Emilia, clutching him tightly, scissors glinting in her free hand. "The plan is simple, Onii-chan: I abduct you before the wedding. They can’t marry you if they can’t find you!"

"That’s not a plan!" Rei wheezed, squirming in her grip. "That’s just—"

Her scissors snipped the air an inch from his hair. "Shhh."

[System Side Quest]

[Optional Mission: "Escape the Kidnapper’s Closet Without Losing Hair."]

[Difficulty Rating: Bald.]

Rosette herself quietly cultivated the Academy’s chapel garden, planting lilies, roses, and chrysanthemums infused with paralysis toxins.

When Rei confronted her, she simply bowed. "The first bride to walk down the aisle will inhale the fumes and collapse. You will have your answer, Master Rei."

Rei pinched his nose. "Rosette... weddings are supposed to be about love, not bioweapons."

She blinked. "Love is a bioweapon."

[Achievement Unlocked: "Florally Executed."]

[System Note: Please do not sniff bouquets.]

As if that wasn’t enough, the System decided to pile more misery onto Rei.

[New Side Quest Activated!]

["Write Vows for All Six Girls Without Dying."]

[Reward: ??? (Possibly Divorce Papers)]

[Failure Penalty: Mass Bride Rioting.]

Rei slumped into the library, surrounded by stacks of parchment, quills, and ink pots. His eyes were bloodshot. His hand cramped from writing.

"For Lilia... something about ’holy matrimony and legal partnership’... For Drakana... ’may my blood burn as bright as your fire’... For Rosette... no, not mentioning coffins again..."

Every time he tried to write a generic vow, the System zapped him with a sarcastic rejection.

[System Review: Too Bland.]

[System Review: Sounds Like A Restraining Order.]

[System Review: Try Harder, Romeo.]

After seven hours, Rei collapsed face-first onto the parchment. His final line read: "I vow to somehow survive until tomorrow."

As Rei staggered out of the library, ink-stained and half-delirious, the ground shook.

A massive obsidian carriage pulled by skeletal horses rolled up to the Academy gates. Out stepped Velveria—smug as always—followed by her entire family.

There were demon dukes in crimson armor. An aunt with bat wings who hissed at the sunlight. Two cousins juggling fireballs while chanting something ominous.

And worst of all... her succubus grandmother.

"Ahhh, is this the little groom?" the grandmother crooned, leaning close with a smile full of fangs. She licked her lips. "My, my, what a delicious soul..."

Rei backed away, sweating bullets. "Delicious what now?!"

"Dessert," she purred.

Velveria clapped happily. "Yes, Grandma! He’s mine! But no nibbling until after the vows!"

Rei screamed.

[System Emergency Alert!]

[New Hazard Detected: Succubus Grandma (Level ???).]

[Survival Rate: 3%.]

[Well, at least you’ll die popular.]

The dukes closed in around Rei, sniffing him like wolves. One muttered, "Tender. Very tender."

Another cracked his knuckles. "Perfect snack for the reception."

Rei’s face drained of color. "WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT TO EAT ME?!"

The brides, of course, immediately declared war on the visiting demons. Lilia raised her staff. Drakana roared fire. Rosette pulled knives out of nowhere. Seraphina threatened another meteor strike.

The courtyard devolved into chaos—again. In the middle of it all, Rei collapsed onto the grass, staring up at the night sky, wondering if Heaven might smite him with actual mercy this time.

[New Mission Added: "Survive Demon In-Law Family Dinner."]

[Optional Objective: Avoid Becoming Dessert.]

[Bon Appétit.]

And so began the most cursed week of Rei’s life: sleeping in coffins, dodging lawsuits, outrunning bees, and trying not to be eaten by a grandmother who thought weddings came with an appetizer menu.

The countdown to the demon wedding ticked ever closer.

Rei covered his face and groaned. "Please... someone... dig me a real grave this time."

[Grave Already Reserved: Section "Romantically Doomed."]

Rei didn’t get much sympathy from the heavens—or from anyone, really. The brides were too busy sharpening sabotage strategies to notice his misery.

Drakana had started carrying around a jar of bees as if it were a handbag. Seraphina ordered priests to chant meteor insurance prayers over the dining hall. Emilia tried to drag him into a suitcase labeled "Emergency Honeymoon Kit."

Even Lilia wasn’t done yet; she hired heralds to announce his pending trial of love every twenty minutes, complete with trumpets.

And Rosette? She casually polished the hinges of his "containment pod" with the loving devotion of someone oiling guillotines.

[Upcoming Events: Bride Wars, Lawsuits, Meteor Showers, Accidental Bee Allergies.]

[Romance Level: 99% Catastrophic.]

[Survival Prediction: LOL.]

Rei buried his face in his hands. "I’m twenty years old. I should be drinking coffee in peace, not dodging bees and lawsuits!"

But the Academy bells tolled, ominous and heavy, marking seven days until the so-called Demon Wedding.

The clock ticked louder in his head than the system notifications and Rei realized with dread—this wasn’t just Sabotage Week. It was the final descent into bridal Armageddon.

[Grave Reservations Cannot Be Cancelled.]

To be continued...