In the morning, Jill left with a significant weight of gold and gems in her trunk, and I ventured into Earth to see her off, and then to go get some things from the hardware store. Regardless of what happened with the gate, I wanted to build windmills. Having sources of electricity other than the wires coming from my basement, and batteries, would only be a good thing.

Besides, it gave me a project to work on, and while there were plenty of things to keep me busy, I liked projects.

Zombies couldn’t be taught to make bricks, but they could lug a lot of clay, water, and bricks around as directed. Gregor brought along a team of trolls to help, too. The top part of the windmill could be wooden, but I wanted the bottom to be made of something more solid. The zombies couldn’t lay the brick evenly, but they could pick up a brick every time their hands were empty, and hand it to the person putting them in place.

Gregor lost focus once because he was staring at me. It was sweaty work, and I wasn’t wearing my usual dress, but a skimpy halter and short shorts. I couldn’t blame him too much for staring, but I wanted to get the work done.

“I’ll drop a brick on your fingers if you don’t pay attention,” I said, half-jokingly.

“Yes, Archfiend!” he said, quickly, clearly taking me completely seriously.

I didn’t correct him by adding the “Uber.” I was just happy that we were making good progress. And while I would rather be loved than feared, lust and love were not the same thing.

Zombies hauled lumber, and they were good at digging a narrow trench for a cable to go into. It was a mile, roughly, from the windmill to Gruush’s trading post, but I thought that was doable.

In a week, we made quite a bit of progress. Back on Earth, I’d still be working on getting a permit, and of course, I wouldn’t have quite so much free labor, meaning the zombies. Gregor and company were paid in store credits. Everyone could have toothbrushes. There were a lot of very shiny tusks among the trolls these days, but flossing was a harder sell.

“If we keep doing it, our gums will stop bleeding eventually?” Gregor asked.

“That’s right.”

“Bah. I’d rather buy whiskey.”

I had kept whiskey in short supply, for a couple reasons. One was that I didn’t want the village drunk all the time, but the other was that I wanted Gavabar to do most of the alcohol distribution. But Gruush did have a few 50 ml sample bottles of various things, which enabled me to collect data on what varieties were the most popular so that I could supply those in quantity to Gavabar. Also, the markup was incredible. I stayed out of the pricing business, but Gruush and Kathy were rapacious.

Inka had some liquor, too, and it was slightly cheaper, although just as scarce. It had become a thing apparently for an enterprising male troll to go to the orc trading post to get a small bottle of something or other, and then find a lady troll to share it with. A “fifty ml orgy” was now troll slang for a twosome.

At night, Valeria and Xyla alternated keeping me company, and we had a few fifty ml orgies ourselves, although we usually left out the drinking part.

One evening Valeria and I were riding back on our ebikes and Nutty was waiting for us at the edge of the forest. He hopped down from a tree onto my handlebars and nearly startled me into a wreck.

“Hmm?” I said, as I broke to a stop.

He hopped off and raced away.

“Weird.” I said.

“Something’s up,” Valeria told me. “I can feel it. A hint of evil.”

“It works like that?” I said.

“Not usually,” she said. “Maybe it’s my imagination.”

We kept biking, keeping our eyes out for trouble, and a few minutes later Xyla came into view, blocking the path. Nutty was with her. She had on elm leaf pasties today, and a flower garland in her hair. Since I noticed her oak leaves, she was mixing it up her wardrobe more. I got off the bike to kiss her, resisting the urge to tell her what was going on.

“There are a dozen demons at the crypt,” she told me.

“Friendly?”

“I didn’t get close enough to find out. They were in a group, and I didn’t know that even in the forest, I could take them all. They are the big, bulky kind, with four arms, and they are well-armed. Uh, that sounds redundant, but it’s not. But Lesseth and Kendala are with them, and they seem to be okay. And there’s one with two arms, and funny ears.”

“I see. That’s a lot of gate experts, if that’s what they are.”

“The evil I sensed,” Valeria said.

“Sounds like,” I agreed. “But Kendala and Lesseth are with them, and there’s no sign they are captives, or anything like that?”

“Not that I could tell,” Xyla said.

“Alright, well, we’ll go meet them, then.”

“I’ll be there,” Xyla told me. “You may not see me, but I’ll be there, ready to fight at your side.” And then she was gone, vanished into the trees.

Nutty stayed behind, so I fed him.

“I don’t like this at all,” Valeria said.

“No. But I asked them to send someone. Maybe that someone rated a guard. We’ll just have to see.”

Valeria frowned, but got back on her bike. She pedaled fast, taking the lead, but not putting on distance. My paladin, wanting to protect me from the demons. Once she had me blocked she slowed down, and we covered the rest of the distance without hurrying, conserving our energy. Nutty ran alongside us.

If it came to trouble, most of the zombies were at the work site, but I still had twenty or so at home. I could count on Val, Xyla, Lesseth and Kendala. That should be good against a dozen demons.

We rode into the clearing in front of the house and pulled our bikes up at the edge. Standing outside were a whole bunch of four-armed demons, men and women, all big strapping lads or big strapping lasses, as Xyla had reported. I saw Lesseth and Kendala too, and the woman with the “funny ears” – she had little horse or donkey ears on top of her head, and reddish hair. She was lounging in one of the zero gravity chairs.

There were also two large canvas tents set up at the far edge of the clearing.

“A paladin!” one of the demons cried, and made a little sign with his pinky and forefinger outstretched, as if to ward her off.

“That’s right,” Val said, dismounting and putting her hand on her sword. “A paladin of L’shan!”

I rode up behind her and dismounted as well.

“The Uber archfiend!” another one said.

And they all got on their knees and bowed deeply, forming two precise rows of five, one behind the other.

Valeria took up a position at my side, and slightly forward.

“Uh, hi,” I said.

The woman got out of the chair. She was wearing a white linen blouse, and a leather jerkin over that, and a black linen skirt. I could just barely make out the horns poking out of her lush hair. She sauntered until she was even with the front rank of the other demons.

“Uber Archfiend,” she said, and bowed low, without going all the way to her knees. Lesseth moved to her side, and bowed with her. The newcomer’s blouse was loose, and her breasts were large. She held that pose for a second, and then stood. “I am –” she started.

At the same time, the demon to the far right of the group bowing straightened, too, and said, “I am –”

The long names were lost when they both spoke at once.

“One at a time,” I said.

They looked at each other, paused, and both began again in unison.

“You first,” I said, pointing to the big guy.

“I am Lord Baphozarelitothep,” he said, “And I am the leader of the Uber Archfiend’s most uber guards, here to protect Uber Archfiend Uberabberubeyabby from all harm. Should we fight the paladin to the death?”

“Uh, no. She’s here to protect me, too.”

He blinked. “Most unusual, Uber Archfiend Uberabberubeyabby.”

“That’s why I’m the Uber Archfiend,” I told him. “I don’t play by the rules.”

He looked at me in something like awe.

“What if I don’t want to be protected?” I asked.

“Your life is valuable, and our lives are at your disposal. We protect you to protect all of Tartarus. I don’t suppose you would consider returning there with us, where you could live your life in luxury and safety in a new palace we are building, complete with a monster-filled moat?”

“Um, no.”

“It would be easier to protect you there,” Bapho told me.

“No doubt. But still no.”

“As you wish, Uber Archfiend Uberabberubeyabby.”

“Just Abby will do,” I said, because the whole mouthful was already getting tedious. “Nice to meet you, Bapho.” I might be violating protocol by shortening his name and dropping the title, but I could no more live that way than I could thrive behind a monster-filled moat. I turned to the woman, before he could tell me that society would fall, etc., if he shortened my name. “And now it’s your turn.”

“I am Lady Metatonefukuthulhu,” she told me. “And I am a licensed exdoorcist.”

I had to go down the rabbit hole. “Who licenses exdoorcists?” I asked.

“Well, actually, I do,” she told me. “As chief of the bureau of gate affairs.”

Of course demons would love bureaucracy. But she was a Lady, and the chief of the guard was a Lord. “You two aren’t –” I asked.

“Oh, no,” she said. “My husband is back in the city.”

“Mind if I call you Meta?” I asked.

“It is your privilege,” she said.

“Good enough,” I said. I turned to Bapho. “And do you object to being called Bapho?”

“The Uber Archfiend may use whatever language he deems appropriate,” he said. “When I was in the Archfiend’s guard, he often simply called me ‘hey, you.’”

“Right. Well, I’m sure he has a lot of people to keep track of. Why don’t you introduce me to the rest of you – and just shorten all the names to a few syllables.”

He hesitated. “As the Uber Archfiend commands,” he said, letting me know I’d pushed a line of etiquette. But he did as I asked, and I tried to commit them to memory.

“What’s up with the tents?” I asked.

“They are quarters for your uber guard, Uber Archfiend Uberabberub—”

“Abby,” I cut him off.

“Abby,” he said carefully, as if it required effort.

“Have you all eaten?” I asked. “Would you like something to drink?”

“We are well provisioned,” he said.

“I’d like something,” Meta said. “Something nice and stiff would really hit the spot right now.”

“Scotch? Brandy?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know what those are, so –”

I nodded. “I’ll make you something.”

“You? Not your servant?” She glanced at Kendala.

“We’ll see. Come this way,” I said.

I made for the door of the crypt. Everyone made to follow. I turned to Bapho, and said, “I think it’s going to get pretty crowded if you all come in.”

“But we have to protect you from the paladin!” Bapho said.

“I did okay traveling with her without you,” I pointed out. “Guard the outside, please.”

He looked like he was going to protest, but then instead saluted with two of his hands.

“Thanks,” I told him.

Talos was fully armed and armored and waiting just inside the door of the annex.

“It’s okay,” I said. “Meta is here to help.”

“There are a lot of demons outside,” he said. “I was ready in case there was trouble. One more inside, Val and I can handle.”

“Meta is here to help,” I repeated. “Just chill, everyone.”

“Another pally?” Meta asked.

Talos glared at her, and I wondered if “pally” was derogatory somehow. “Another paladin,” I said. “Meta, this is Talos. Talos, Meta. Talos, where’s Kathy?”

“Monitoring the cameras. Our plan was – well, I’ll tell you our plan later.” He looked pointedly at Meta.

I opened the door to the crypt proper, and Kathy turned and looked. I noticed she had a sword handy, and she, too, was dressed in armor of a sort – a Kevlar bullet proof vest.

“What an interesting assemblage,” Meta said. “But where is the Arch Fiendess?”