Intermission – Shiku – Self-Loathing (Illustrations!)

    “Lord Shiku, it’s time to wake up.”

    “Yes, my lord. It’s time for your training with Sir Salim. He also wishes to speak with you.”

    A pair of voices woke me from my slumber, and my eyes stared at a ceiling that would put my mansion to shame.

    Once again...

    I...was still alive in this new world—still stuck here.

    Laika and Leika Barkwood- sister Dogfolk maids with orange and yellow color schemes, respectively, were kneeling beside my bed. Moments ago, they used their naked bodies to keep me warm during my uneventful and restless slumber.

    The sisters were assigned to me days ago by Lord Meruria to wait on me hand and foot. The Barkwood family had wronged Lord Meruria in the past, and their family had suffered the consequences ever since. I didn’t know why she went to them to give them the ‘honor’ of serving one of her Soul Warriors, but she did.

    When I first met them, the two pledged their lives to me. Meruria stood behind them and ‘encouraged’ them to offer more, which ended with them stripping naked and offering their virginities to me. Lord Meruria left me alone with them, but I didn’t touch them.

    I never planned to lay a finger on them.

    I didn’t even want them to accompany me. But Lord Meruria forced me to keep them close since they were willing to lay down their lives and die in my stead. I had told them they didn’t need to sleep naked with me, but they said they needed to act in case someone attempted to attack during my rest.

    I sat up and looked at these feminine hands, then groaned because I was forced to stare at them every day of the week.

    All the power, money, and status the world offered didn’t mean much when you were filled with a sense of self-loathing. Laika watched as I got out of bed. The covers wrapped around my naked waist fell behind, exposing my nude body, and she quickly tidied up the mess.

    “Breakfast will be ready when you return, Lord Shiku,” Leika said, following me to the bathroom. She waited outside after I closed the door

    The fantastical luxuries this fantasy world offered were vast, but when I looked in the jewel-encrusted mirror and saw...that face look back at me?

    The face with the feminine lips, soft eyes, warm hair, pretty cheeks...

    It made me more sad than angry.

    A quick flick of my wrist near the shower caused water to pour down on my head. It splattered annoyingly against the marbled ground, running down the shiny drain.

    I was born a man, but I looked like this.

    And my family hated it.

    Father wanted a boy—a son to take over his legacy. He wanted to have a proper heir to inherit his dojo. He was tall, muscular, and hairy, and I was slim, feminine, and hairless except for my head.

    He was rugged...and I was soft.

    I was an anthesis to everything he stood for, and I felt his hatred more than a hundred dozen times.

    Things changed when I learned about Aikido. My initial assessment results from my country predicted I would be as great a fighter as my father in a different discipline.

    He beat me mercilessly that night and called me a failure because I couldn’t follow in his footsteps.

    I gathered his approval once I started winning. Being known as the Second Coming of Morihei Ueshiba brought much fame and glory to my family. My father even received an influx of students to learn his style of karate after he marketed it as a fusion between it and Aikido.

    I had thought things were going well...

    But no. I thought my family would accept me for who I was—for who I wanted to be—so I risked it one day and went to the living room wearing a dress I had secretly bought.

    My father’s outrage at his only son being...unnatural...left me bedridden for a month.

    Disownment came next, but not before he forced me to hate myself.

    He told me my appearance was a sin—proof of my weakness-- and I needed to accept who I was.

    But he didn’t care who I wanted to be. He wanted me to be what he wanted me to be...

    I just wanted to be happy...

    I wanted to be accepted for who I was—for what I looked like...and the cute clothing and fluttery dresses I wanted to wear.

    But I couldn’t ever be...just me...

    So, I hid myself and tossed away the key, forever willing to believe something I didn’t have faith in...

    My life eventually led me to meet Tokko at an athletic tournament. He was with Damon, and we became friends. Even as crude as the wrestler could be, he treated me like one of the guys. And after entering Mekka Academy, Mia appeared in the picture and joined our group.

    And for the first time, I was happy. Tokko’s natural charisma attracted friends and turned enemies into allies. He quickly enthralled me with his ‘might makes right’ and turned me into a believer in the few years I had known him.

    He was a bonafide hero, and I worshipped the ground he walked on.

    But...

    I...couldn’t accept him sacrificing Shuuta.

    It wasn’t right.

    It wasn’t fair.

    Had I not killed who I wished...who I thought I wanted to be...the poor soul being sucked into the portal to the void could’ve been me.

    But Tokko...

    I wasn’t as strong as he thought me to be. If I was, I would’ve fought more. But I couldn’t. All this sad body of mine could do was oblige Lord Meruria’s command and help Damon throw Shuuta away.

    I couldn’t tell anyone of the nightmares I suffered from because it would reach Tokko. And losing his respect? Having his hatred tower above me like a dark cloud? Hearing him say I wasn’t vital to him?

    I didn’t want to be alone anymore.

    I’m so sorry... Shuuta...

    Salty tears dropped to the floor and joined the blisteringly hot water slapping against my skin. I could only be true to myself while trapped within these marbled confines. The noise and steam disguised my cries and let me be truthful for a handful of minutes before the mask had to come back on.

    I rubbed my eyes and washed my body. If I took too long, the maids would knock at the door and let themselves in to check on me.

    After turning the water off and drying, I put my robe back on and prepared myself to be who I didn’t want to be.

    Because I wouldn’t ever have a chance to be true to myself.

    After getting dressed in light-weight armor that focused on agility, I walked the halls of Lord Meruria’s oversized church while stuffing a sandwich my maids had prepared into my mouth. The stained-glass windows were the definition of extravagant wealth. The overarching reluctance on affluent luxuries was a clear sign this church wasn’t meant to function as one would in my world.

    “What does Sir Salim need to see me about?”

    “It’s training, Lord Shiku,” said one of the maids. Their voices were similar, so I didn’t know which one spoke. “Do you recall the incident the day before? You left two dead and four in critical condition.”

    Spoiler

    [collapse]

    Yesterday, some creepy bastard tried to cop a feel on my ass in the crowded guild. He whispered how much it would be to have me sleep with him because he liked my face. I could still feel his disgusting breath tickle my neck.

    Before I knew it, I had plunged my weapon through his heart and stomped a hole through his stomach. His friends, shocked, picked up their weapons and wanted to fight. I killed one and severed the hands of the others with a skill that wrapped a blade of mana around my staff’s tip, but Salim— Meruria’s sole surviving Soul Warrior from two generations ago, pulled me away. Renata and Benedict—my classmates who were part of Team Salim, weren’t there to witness it, although I saw the unsettling looks in their eyes when I told them about the commotion when they asked about it.

    The incident...

    Killing didn’t bother me. Father once made me train with criminals on death row to ‘make a man out of me,’ The fight only ended in death. He believed hallucinogenic drugs were the key, but I don’t remember much except looking down upon a group of dead men with broken necks.

    Aikido was made to defend yourself from harm while protecting your attackers from injury. It wasn’t made to kill. And I’ve...killed so many with it... Sensei wouldn’t be proud... He’d hate me...

    By this point, nearly everyone from Meruria’s latest batch of Soul Warriors had killed—either in self-defense or by hunting criminals and bandits.

    Those who flinched or stumbled afterward were lectured personally by Meruria. When they left her room, they had overcome their trauma.

    Laika asked if I was okay because I sighed, but I remained silent and prepared for an encounter with Salim.

    He was waiting in the practice hall.

    Spoiler[collapse]

    “Then what about the undead curse in the Apival Duchy? The chimera? Did you organize that? Did you want to make me a child killer? I...can still hear the screams...burning from the flames... I...killed so many. And what about Mary’s pills?! Did you know about them? Did you do all this to toy with our minds even more?!”

    “No, I didn’t.”

    “Bullshit!” Greggie spat. “We don’t believe you, Meruria. You haven’t given us any reason to believe anything you say.”

    “Shall I retrieve the bell—”

    “Ah, the bell.” Lord Enele cut off my summoner and approached. He laid a large hand on Quella’s head. Suddenly, a turtle floated from his back with a handkerchief in its mouth. It remained silent and hovered near Quella, who took the cloth and wiped her eyes.

    That’s probably a spirit.

    “Lord Meruria, why would you manipulate a bell that does not hold the power to detect lies?”

    “What?!” Team Quella, myself, Benedict, and Renata all exclaimed. Lord Meruria had used one during Shuuta’s trial, but if it wasn''t...

    “The truth-detecting bell exists, yet only the Kingdom of Aquanis can manufacture them. We hold a detailed list of who they have been rented to, and you weren’t on the list when I last checked. Pray tell, Lord Meruria, why would you continue to play with your Soul Warriors’ hearts?” Enele narrowed his eyes.

    “So... You... You... You rang the bell on purpose? After we thought we... And...” Ami grabbed her hair and screamed after dropping to her knees.

    “Yes, I’ll admit it. The bell was nothing more than just that—a bell,” casually said Meruria. Lord Enele asked if she wanted to say more while holding his necklace. She nodded, and it transformed into the scales a statue might carry outside a courthouse. He spoke in a language I didn’t understand.

    A wave of glowing light radiated from the scales, and I noticed a change in my activity log. I was under the effect of something called [Truth Field].

    “The bell I used was nothing special. It was one you could find anywhere around the world. It only made noise at specific times because I used [Telekinesis]. Your feelings—your true feelings regarding the incident were true from the beginning. I made you feel antithesis to your hearts'' desires because your essences were too clean. I require powerful deterrents to frighten away all who would invade my beautiful country, so I planned and orchestrated everything. But as for what you encountered after you left the dungeon? I had no part in that. The chimera and the undead curse happened almost overnight. That’s why I sent Remy to meet you. I knew Lord Enele would offer his assistance, but I didn’t think he would arrive in time to meet you.”

    Lord Meruria dropped a bombshell. That meant the trial was rigged from the start. Quella and the others never wanted Shuuta to die. And they always believed he would be a welcomed addition, but she manipulated everything and tossed him like garbage. And she continued to infect their hearts with falsehoods designed to...

    Renata grabbed Benedict’s hand and held it tightly. She shivered in her boots, and I heard her teeth chatter. It took all she had to not cry more than she already was.

    “It was all for this reason. Quella, do you not understand the power you’ve gained? Mary, your unique ability to capture fragments of dungeons produced by Lore and yank them to the present is unparalleled. Keeth, I’ve seen the equipment you forged. Starting from nothing and crafting armor and swords from your surroundings shows your resourcefulness. Even you, Greggie, have changed for the better. I see muscle. I see a man who, while a shade of what I desire him to be, has the potential to fulfill what I need from him. Play your cards right, and you and the blue-haired singer shall become the cornerstone of my entertainment district. You’ll have all the money and fans you would ever wish for. Of course, you’ll still have to fight to protect and defend Cridia. But you will never want for anything ever again.”

    Lord Meruria said that under the effects of [Truth Field]. She...meant it from the heart, right? Why the dichotomy between her actions and words? What purpose did they play?! She said it was all to lead to this moment, but was that the only way to reach this point?

    Lord Enele canceled the skill. The scales returned to being a turtle shell necklace clasped around his thick neck.

    “Are you satisfied, Lord Enele?”

    “In a few ways. While I understand your desire to protect your country, I cannot agree with your methods.”

    “Oh? Are you planning to intervene on a personal level?”

    “You know I cannot do that. As the Head Arbitrator of the Kingdom of Aquanis, I must remain impartial to all matters related to the Soul Warrior Summoning System. As long as I am the Dark Lord of Justice, I cannot participate.”

    “Then, pray tell, Lord Enele, what are your plans?”

    “The Lord Conference isn’t for another eleven months, but I must start preparing for it. Before I leave, may I escort Quella and her allies to their rooms? With your permission, of course."

    “Yes, I’ll allow that much. Do be careful about showing favoritism, Lord Enele. I wouldn’t want you to be stripped of your title or position.”

    “Neither would I. Queen Melusine, may I ask for your assistance?” Lord Enele turned to the fairy, who nodded. She assisted the Dark Lord of Justice and helped escort Team Quella to their barracks. Before they left, Lord Meruria handed Remy six keys, and she teleported to Lord Enele and handed them to him.

    “There’s a mansion located four blocks away. Since I''m so impressed with their progress, I’m granting them a token of my appreciation. Please enjoy my kindness and take a week to rest.”

    No one responded. Lord Enele left with Team Quella, and I was left with new information to ponder.

    So, was Melusine a queen? I knew what dungeons and Lore were. Salim had taken us to one on our fourth day here to get our feet wet. But removing the basis of what would become the boss from the dungeon? Wouldn’t that have drastic effects? If it worked the way I thought, no one could complete the dungeon after its boss was captured.

    What kind of trouble would that bring?

    Lord Meruria still seemed pleased. Although maybe it was because she was petting Remy’s head between the ears. Her brown wolf-like tail had been wagging non-stop.

    No one knew what she was thinking. It was clear she planned many steps in advance.

    “Please forgive me for that interruption, Team Salim. I did not predict they would return so soon. Now, as for your mission...”

    After getting our mission from Meruria, we were ordered to investigate the remains of a fire that had broken out a few hours away. This was but another task to help dip our feet into this world. We left right away and spent four hours traveling. We stopped for the night and made camp.

    Salim knew a skill to hold items in a separate dimension called [Hammer Space]. A portable forge, furnace, tools, camping gear, a grill, and cooking equipment were resting inside.

    While we ate our campfire-cooked meal, discussion naturally arose.

    “Hhmph! That Quella person needs to watch her tone.”

    “I agree, Laika. If she wasn’t a valued Soul Warrior, I’d ask Lord Meruria for permission to kill her. How dare she be so rude to our lord? And that fat one... Wouldn’t you like to roast him over a fire?”

    “Why...are you talking like that?” asked Renata. She held a trident in her hand. Before we departed, Salim had found and gifted new weapons to Renata and Benedict. They were more suited to them, and he had a shield for the latter to wield.

    “Because Lord Meruria is our lord. She rules Cridia, and we are obligated to obey her.”

    “We cannot disrespect her. Lord Meruria requires our full attention.”

    “She’s merciful enough to grant the Barkwood family one more chance at redemption. We’ve failed her in the past, but that won’t happen again.” The sisters turned to me. “Please, ask us to do anything for you, and it shall get done, Lord Shiku!” said the two simultaneously.

    “Okay. But don’t disrespect our allies. Quella is fighting her own way. For some of us, it’s difficult,” I said. “We were taken away from what we knew and thrown into an unknown situation. Everyone handles their stress differently.”

    “Lord Shiku is so wise, isn’t he?”

    “The wisest Soul Warrior of them all, Laika!” The two grabbed my food out of my hands, placed my fingers between their tails, and fed me. “And he must be warm. We cannot let him become cold!”

    “Hehe.” Renata giggled, showing a flash of life for the first time in days. This new world was especially hard for her. While I wasn’t close with her at Mekka Academy, I knew enough of her to become acquaintances. It was the same with Benedict, and I mostly spent time with Tokko and the others.

    I...

    No. Any thoughts I held about the matter had to remain with me.

    “Hhmph. This girl is laughing at us, Laika.”

    “Perhaps we should punish her? While we are obligated to serve Lord Shiku, Lord Meruria wouldn’t mind it if we—”

    “No punishing.” Laika and Leika changed their tunes immediately. Renata couldn’t constrain her laughter and expressed her feelings about the absurd situation.

    I looked at Salim and noticed a soft smile across his experienced, wrinkled face while Laika and Leika ‘argued’ with Renata. I had seen enough to know they had planned this thing to lighten our hearts. Yes, they were ordered to serve me, but my maids were kind. I knew they wanted to look after us all.

    Besides, this wasn’t the first time they had made Renata laugh to help cheer her up. And it wouldn’t be the last.

    The two cared about us.

    “It is strange,” Sir Salim whispered, speaking from a prior trauma. “When I arrived, I wanted to return. I felt it all to be a dream. But ending one''s life is a grave sin in Islam. Yet I risked angering Allah if it meant seeing my family once more. But then I acquired this power... It warmed my soul to help. I want my family to be proud of me. And so, I act as if my son is here, watching me. I will make him proud. He''s my source of joy."

    “I...don’t have anyone waiting for me. No one worth worrying about.” I silently told Salim about my past and murderous father who forced me to kill. There were several hundred years between Salim’s time and mine. The technology we had—the foundation of our world’s progression as a Darwinistic society focusing on the strong eating the weak to grow more powerful couldn’t have made sense to him.

    But he prayed for me to find solace. He was a religious man. Even after coming here, he strived to follow the Five Pillars of Islam. Salim said Lord Meruria thought it foolish to pray to someone who wasn’t her, yet she allowed him that much freedom.

    Salim was gentle. He compassionately spoke and said he''d look out for me. I was an adult at 19, but knowing that he cared?

    It helped.

    I really wanted to tell him about my thoughts on Shuuta, my cowardice at being unable to speak up, and my...heroic worship of Tokko.

    I...didn’t want him to hate me. I needed him...

    But how could I face him when I was so scared of receiving his disappointment? It was a long shot, but what if a portal to the void was my fate after letting my feelings known?

    I was a coward.

    I had always been one.

    And I’d probably die one, too.