CHAPTER 766: A WITNESS TO THE DARK

R’lissea sat quietly as I stumbled through the vision, sharing everything I remembered from the color of the carpet to the strange feeling I got looking at the female inquisitor. When I got to the part where I lost control and took us to the warehouse, I started to cry again.

"Shh, it’s okay," R’lissea said, hugging me tightly.

"I-I’m sorry," I rubbed tears away. "It’s just, I–"

"There’s nothing to be sorry about. It’s okay to feel sad or ashamed. Don’t hide from it anymore. Feel it. Embrace it. Overcome it."

"I’ll try."

I let the tears flow unhindered, feeling the weight of sorrow and pain as I slowly shared the last part about the warehouse. It took forever for me to find the words to describe my feelings when Kaitlyn came out, and somehow, that led to me sharing everything I remembered from the hell I experienced before Soltair found me. I left nothing out, from waking up alone in the cage to the kind slave who bound my wound so I didn’t bleed out before Kaitlyn returned to kill me.

"That must have been hard," R’lissea said, stroking my hair as I sobbed on her shoulder. "To wake up in the dark like that. I can’t even imagine how scared and confused you were to discover you weren’t even human anymore."

She touched her ears, giving a wry shake of her head.

"Was it like that for you, too?" I whispered.

She shrugged. "Kind of, but pointed ears and sharper eyes are a fair bit easier to adjust to than horns, and especially a tail. But there must have been some pattern to our placement. I woke up in a small village in Sylvarus, kind of like how they found you in the Beast Kingdom. The villagers said I was lying in a field one morning. They thought I was a lost child from a neighboring village and took me in, looking after me for a few days until I woke up."

"That must have been nice," I murmured.

She coughed. "It was...disorienting, but nothing like what you experienced. So what happened next?"

"That’s when Soltair appeared." My voice fell, sounding far away. Wistful, even. "He was the light I always yearned for, the knight in shining armor who finally came. When he cradled me in his arms that day, I fell asleep feeling safe for the first time in my life. It was a feeling like...like if he was there, everything was going to be okay."

"You seemed...sad when we first met," R’lissea said.

"That was at the Banquet at the Sun Festival, right?"

She nodded. "I remember him introducing you. Alex said a few choice things, and Ronin was...rude." She chuckled, shaking her head. "I can’t believe how anxious I was back then. Just hearing everyone bantering and trading insults made me so worried."

"You stood up for me. I still remember that," I said. "I don’t think I ever got to thank you."

She smiled. "I think I picked up on it. You’re welcome."

I skipped ahead after that, jumping to the double gates in Brithlite when I’d carried the Last Light Company through the Ice Gate. As for the trial during the Sun Festival, there was little she didn’t know save for what happened with the inquisitors.

But after trying a few times to share the truth of the Dusk Chambers, "They hurt me" was all I could bring myself to say. Fortunately, R’lissea seemed to understand and gently prompted me for the next part: the trial and subsequent journey to High Valley. When I described the bitter snowstorm that caught the convoy unprepared, R’lissea gasped.

"To be hurt, chained, and alone, without even a blanket for warmth for days on end. They even sealed your magic. How did you even survive?"

I shuddered. "It was...cold. That’s all I remember."

"No wonder you’re like this," R’lissea muttered.

My face fell, and she quickly added, "What I meant is that everyone I’ve heard of who suffered the hurt and betrayal you have hates being close with others. And yet you’re desperate to be held tightly, even if that means exposing yourself to those you consciously believe are going to hurt you. Like Luke, or even me, when we first met. You just love being hugged."

I snuggled against her, blushing despite myself. "I just want to be warm."

"I can’t imagine the trouble with Haven did you any favors there, either. Thinking back, even before and after then, I should have listened to what you were saying back then. You didn’t want a hug, you just didn’t want to be alone, and that was the only way you knew how to ask. Being cold and alone is the same thing to you."

"I-it’s not just that," I mumbled, ducking my head. "It’s dark, too."

She giggled, rubbing my head between my horns. "Cold and dark, is it? I’ll remember that."

The shadow of sorrow returned to our conversation as I began picking through the months at High Valley. I smiled sadly as I described meeting Aurle and how she taught me about being a maid. And when I described Lor d Byron’s nightly advances, I couldn’t stop the tears.

"She took my place every single night," I wept, "But every single day, even as she wasted away before my very eyes, she greeted me with a smile and a wave of her tail. And then one day, she didn’t come back. Lord Byron left me with her body in my arms. There was no one else to take my place then, but I didn’t care. I just wanted it to be over. And that’s when it happened. Months of suffering, and it happened a day too late. I could have saved her."

"Do you resent Fate for that?" she asked softly.

"I...I don’t want to. But if she’d come just a little sooner...she didn’t have to die!"

R’lissea pursed her lips. "Maybe it wasn’t Fate. Maybe your grief gave you the strength to call for her. The strength to act."

Her words placed a weight on my shoulders. No, that wasn’t fair to her. It was a weight I’d picked up myself and carried since that day. I’d never truly believed it was Fate’s fault.

"I let her die," I whispered. "I’ve tried to let that burden go, but it’s the truth. If I had been stronger, I could have broken the Slave Crest earlier. Fate was waiting for me. I know it."

"Then Aurle gave her life to teach you that lesson. I think she would be proud of you," R’lissea said.

I shivered. "Do you think so?"

"Of course. Ever since then, you’ve never let your fear stop you from doing what needed to be done. You saved Elise from the clutches of the only one you feared more than the inquisitors. I know you don’t care, but you also avenged her. Not only by destroying High Valley, but by tearing down the Circle. There won’t be slaves on this continent anymore."

"In the whole world, when we’re done," I said.

She nodded. "Right. But how exactly did you break free? Even if you had your magic, you couldn’t have had enough strength to actually use it."

"It was Fate. She descended in her true form. She called the power in my staff. I think she managed to unlock the ability I have now to summon Remnants."

"And who came to help you? I heard it was a powerful spell that destroyed High Valley. It must have been Emlica, right?"

I shook my head. "I don’t know. I’ve looked everywhere in Haven, but I can’t find them. She was beautiful and strong, and strangest of all: a demonkin. I haven’t seen another demonkin there. Ever."

"What did Fate say when you asked her?"

I froze. "Fate? I...I didn’t."

"What? Why not?"

I lowered my head. "It doesn’t feel right. She always just gives me riddles or tells me I’m not ready for answers yet. And besides, there was something odd about that remnant. She came in a gate, but it wasn’t like the other demon gates. It was massive, what I expected a ninth-level gate to look like. And she used a ninth-level spell. None of the other remnants are ninth-level, except maybe Arantius. And the way she spoke to Fate...she was annoyed with her."

"Whoever she was, she killed one of the church’s ninth-level warriors," R’lissea said.

My eyes widened. "What?"

R’lissea nodded solemnly. "The whole thing was kept a tight secret, but I overheard the Pope talking about it." She thumbed her ear. "They forget we ’nonhumans’ have different ears, I guess."

"Maybe I will ask Fate," I said with a sigh.

"Definitely. After all, I’m curious now, too."

Moving into Heartland was a much lighter topic for me, though I still stumbled my way around how coy and distrustful I’d been with the Glory Chasers. I felt no small amount of shame for how my actions could have hurt them. They were the only reason I’d survived long enough to meet Korra.

"How do you feel?" R’lissea asked when I finished. "Does it still hurt when I mention the warehouse?"

I flinched away from her, but caught myself and intentionally laid my head against her shoulder. I still felt sad, my tail curling anxiously, but the sharp pain in my heart was little more than a dull ache.

I touched my chest, voice breathy with wonder. "I feel...lighter. It’s still there, but I..."

"And Soltair?"

My stomach dropped, but the instinct to shy away was something I could manage. I looked her in the eye.

"He makes me sad, but I’m okay now," I said slowly.

She beamed. "You’ve been trying to heal for so long, but holding yourself back."

I hugged her, barely holding back another wave of tears. Tears of relief this time. It was impossible to say when, or where it happened, but at some point it really did feel like a weight had left my shoulders.

"Hey, don’t cry now. I thought you were feeling better!" she said, anxiously trying to comfort me.

I shook my head. "T-that’s not it."

Was this how Korra felt when we spoke at the banquet? I vaguely remembered feeling jealous of her, that she could let her pain and fear go with a simple conversation. Maybe...maybe she made it look easier than it was. Had she spent this much effort healing, and I only got to see the other side?

Perhaps it was just taking me a little longer than it did her. If that were true, then couldn’t I be like her someday? Couldn’t I laugh and smile for real? Couldn’t I go to bed without waking up crying, or being terrified of a nightmare? Couldn’t I find someone I truly cared about, like she did for Gayron?

"Thank you," I said to R’lissea. "I never imagined I could say those things aloud, or that it would help me feel better."

"There comes a point where you have to face your fears, and I think you’ve tried to do that many times. But you can’t do it alone, nor do you have to anymore. It’ll still be hard, in the future, you have a lot to heal from, but we’ll do it together."

I nodded. "Together."

It was something I’d said to Luke just days ago, yet it sounded different to my ears. This time, I finally understood what it meant.