TL/Editor: Butter Cat

    Status: 4/week mon-thurs

    Illustrations: none

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    〈 Chapter 55 〉 Chapter 55. Submerged.

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    **

    The hand, desperately reaching out, grasped at nothing but empty air.

    A young girl, frantically calling out her sister''s name.

    She couldn''t grab her sister''s hand that’s reaching out to her for help, nor could she even wipe away the blood that was trickling from her lips.

    Because she was too weak.

    Truly, completely useless.

    If only she had run faster.

    If only she had known where Aris was, without wandering around lost.

    If only she had noticed the ominous tension between them sooner.

    If only she had noticed the changes in Aris, who had been spending sleepless nights worrying, and offered her genuine care and attention.

    How many times had I uttered that meaningless phrase, "What if"?

    But no matter how many thousands, how many tens of thousands of times I cried out, all that returned was a hollow echo.

    The past was like a broken bamboo, irreparable, irreversible.

    That hypothetical world, filled with eternal happiness instead of all this misfortune, was too overwhelming for me, someone who wasn''t even allowed to dream of such a sweet moment.

    Because I had to live in the present.

    Persistently, even if it meant crawling.

    Because I had to live in a reality where Aris didn''t exist.

    [".....Ah.... Aaah....."]

    "—Trash."

    My past self, pathetically sitting on the ground, unable to do anything but shed tears.

    Behind the young girl, whose mere sight filled me with boiling rage, I slowly raised my sword.

    The chillingly sharp blade of the sword.

    In its unwavering reflection, I saw myself, my eyes fixed on the cowering girl.

    I will never go back.

    To my weak, past self.

    Because I became stronger, for her.

    So.

    So—

    "—Die."

    ["....Ah..... Aaah...."]

    Resolutely.

    Perhaps, with anger.

    I swung down my sword.

    **

    Now, it''s time to wake up from this dream.

    **

    It felt like a lump, a solid mass that wouldn’t go away, was lodged in my chest.

    Whether I was walking down the street, sitting in the classroom listening to a lecture, having a meal with Tessa, or even at that very moment as I lay in bed, preparing for the next day.

    The lump was growing, slowly but surely, gnawing away at my nerves.

    As if it were a child, asserting its presence.

    As if protesting, begging me not to forget it.

    That lump, showing no signs of disappearing, was constantly pounding against my body and mind, like water dripping from the eaves.

    Drip, drip.

    Ripples form.

    And it finally succeeded in creating a small hole in my heart.

    The image that came to mind was that of a black-haired woman, the one who had driven me to this state.

    Yeah.

    I admit it.

    Truly, well done.

    You.

    "...Princess, are you alright these days?"

    "I''m fine, nothing to worry about."

    "...But still..."

    Bloodshot eyes, and dark circles under them reaching down to my cheeks.

    Even I thought it was bad, looking at myself in the mirror.

    My condition was worsening day by day instead of improving, and finally, Tessa''s nagging couldn''t be held back.

    She voiced her concerns, but not in a harsh way, just as a small complaint.

    Of course, I wasn''t unaware of how she felt. But the turmoil boiling inside me, the emotions I couldn''t control, made me respond curtly to even Tessa''s small concern.

    To the point where even I was surprised.

    "...But Princess, you''ve been acting so unlike yourself lately—"

    "—Tessa."

    What the fuck do you even mean by ‘unlike myself’?

    The words filled with irritation, as if shooting them, were about to burst from my lips.

    I had to clench my teeth so hard that I tasted blood before I could stop those icy words from coming out.

    But just like you can''t retrieve an arrow once it''s been shot, the call, filled with resentment and anger, couldn''t be taken back into my mouth, and Tessa''s expression, which had been worriedly asking about my well-being, froze just like that.

    Tessa''s concern for worrying about my condition, which I would have been grateful for under normal circumstances.

    But for some reason, I felt a surge of anger towards it.

    She was the only one who had stayed by my side.

    The only one who had accepted and understood everything about me.

    —Swish.

    "...Huu..."

    I stopped walking and covered my face with both hands, taking a small deep breath.

    My breathing became labored as the flow of air was obstructed, it felt like my throat was being choked.

    It’s suffocating.

    I''m so dizzy.

    Help me, help me—

    Sensing my unusual behavior, Tessa also stopped alongside me, feeling something was amiss.

    Me, standing still, with my head bowed low, and Tessa, standing beside me, frozen in place.

    For a moment, silence swam between us.

    ".....Haah....Haah...."

    "....Princess Remi."

    Two women, standing still in the middle of a busy street where numerous onlookers were passing by.

    I could feel some people looking this way, staring at this unusual scene, but I was only desperately trying to compose myself.

    No.

    This is wrong, no matter how you look at it.

    The emotions that I had buried deep beneath a solid rock, had somehow melted into a molten magma, ready to erupt.

    Drip, drip.

    Through the small hole that had been created by the constant dripping.

    I tried to shove those hot, surging emotions back down, under a newly created mask.

    —Crack!

    My flesh and blood transformed into paper and wood.

    —Snap, crack, click!

    Taking the form of past memories, recreating the previous form.

    —Crack, crackcrackcrack, crackcrackcrackcrack!!!

    What, am I supposed to do?

    What, did I, do wrong?

    You took everything from me, and yet, why? Why, why? I''m asking. Right now, what am I supposed to do? I''m asking. I asked. I asked, I said.

    Huh? Why are you looking at me like that, everyone? Why? Why? Who are you all? There’s no one, no one, no one is here. Aris, where are you? What am I supposed to do? Forget? Who, how, am I supposed to forget? Tell me. Tell me. Tell me, I said. How, how, how—? Am I, me? Me? Me, you say? Who am I? Make, make, make, make, again, newly, make, make, make, make, make—

    —Have I made it?

    "—Thank you."

    I removed my hands.

    "I''m, okay."

    I smiled, brightly.

    "Really."

    Really, I''m really okay.

    Because I am completely different from my pathetically weak past self.

    "Nothing happened, so shall we go?"

    I moved my lips to form a small smile, trying to reassure Tessa, who was looking at me.

    With the same bright smile I always gave to everyone.

    The same smile which everyone had praised was as warm as a bonfire.

    Basking in the warm sunlight that came down from the sky and enveloped us all, I saw Tessa''s reflection, hidden within the shadow cast by my elongated silhouette, and said it again.

    I''m okay, I said.

    "...Pr-Princess…"

    "…Hm? What is it?"

    "…It’s nothing."

    But for some reason, Tessa was staring at me with an even more shocked expression than before.

    As if she had seen something she shouldn''t have.

    As if she couldn''t believe what she was seeing.

    Her body trembling, Tessa was avoiding my gaze.

    For a reason I couldn''t understand.

    **

    "—Aris. Is it fun?"

    "Hmm?"

    "…Planting flowers, I mean."

    A long time ago, I once asked Aris, who was tending the flower garden with a happy face.

    Why she bothered to plant flowers herself.

    I asked her why she didn''t just order someone else to pick flowers that had already bloomed.

    In truth, I had come all this way here to see Aris, but those cruel words spilled out of a small jealousy at her not even sparing me a glance.

    You might say it''s embarrassing, but when I was younger, gaining Aris''s attention was far more important than a fleeting embarrassment.

    That''s how much her attention meant to me, it was a matter of life and death.

    Of course, my question, filled with childish jealousy, was directed at mere plants that were scattered around us, not even a person, it was just my childish jealousy.

    "Uuu~!"

    Thud.

    She could have just ignored my strange question.

    But Aris, ever so diligently, put down the trowel she was holding and stretched, looking at me.

    She wiped the beads of sweat that trickled down her forehead with her dirt-covered hand, a sight that, looking back now, didn''t suit a child who wasn''t even ten years old. I don''t know why, but I remember staring at Aris''s appearance so intently back then.

    If there was a reason, it was probably because her smile, directed at me, was so beautiful.

    "Hmm.... That''s because— —"

    "??,?????"

    I can''t remember what Aris said back then, it''s strange.

    If I had to guess, maybe it was because personally tending to them was more rewarding, or maybe because flowers picked by someone else didn''t hold any meaning, something like that.

    But oddly enough, it didn''t seem like such a common reason.

    It was something more, strange.

    Something more, profound.

    Something more, incomprehensible.

    The only thing I know for sure, is that even now, as an adult, I still don''t understand why Aris was so passionate about growing flowers back then.

    Still.

    **

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