TL/Editor: Butter Cat

    Status: 4/week mon-thurs

    Illustrations: none

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    〈 Chapter 70 〉 Chapter 70. Shaken.

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    They say that growth always comes with pain.

    The pain that silently resides between our outer and inner selves, leaves us with lessons.

    People with a reason to live, those people could endure pain that would make them want to bite their tongues off and find meaning within it.

    Yes.

    Just like those I know who shine merely by being seen.

    And for those who aren''t like them.

    For those who are like me, who live reluctantly as if pushed from behind.

    Pain is just a punishment, a punishment that doesn''t even offer lessons for growth.

    Like Sisyphus''s endless punishment of pushing a boulder up a steep hill, only to watch it roll back down again.

    "Aris! Shall we go see the flowers? Hmm?"

    "........."

    "Ah! A new book came out at the bookstore, let''s go together!"

    Sway, sway.

    My body, too weak to stand on its own, swayed back and forth.

    Remi, the owner of those lively hands that were shaking me, was the only one who hadn''t lost her signature smile even when everyone else, including me, was drowning in melancholy.

    In Sia''s case, she still made an awkward, creaking expression whenever she dealt with me.

    Tessa, was consumed by guilt for not noticing my state despite being by my side all this time.

    And as for Saelli, she looked like the world had ended.

    I wonder what they are so afraid of.

    Of me suddenly leaving without a word?

    Of me confronting them about deceiving and betraying me?

    Or, of me doing something unspeakable after realizing the shocking truth?

    I knew all too well what they were afraid of, what they were worried about, but I didn''t feel the need to respond to them.

    Because no matter what I did now, they were already gone, far away, beyond my reach.

    And even if I sacrificed myself, my life wouldn''t be of any help to them.

    And.

    To me, who was merely paying the price for my own greed.

    Everything had become meaningless and tiresome.

    For Remi, of course, it was sad to see me drowning in sorrow, but perhaps she didn''t find it all that bad that I had regained my lost memories.

    She was momentarily shocked by my state, but quickly regained her composure and started treating me just like before.

    After all, sorrow is a fleeting emotion, one that fades with time.

    And the memories I had lost were originally irretrievable.

    Bad things are bad, but good things are good.

    That''s probably what she''s thinking.

    You could say that her strong mental fortitude, built from past experiences, and the fact that she hadn''t done anything particularly wrong to me compared to others, shone unnecessarily beautifully in that moment.

    Well, if that wasn''t the reason.

    Then it must be that even if I were to spend the rest of my life as a doll.

    Even if it was impossible to mend the deep rift that had formed between us, between our family.

    Just having me alive and by her side is enough to make her happy.

    Even if I''m broken and shattered, as long as I''m alive, that''s enough.

    That''s how Remi, who had lost me once, might be feeling.

    —Thud.

    "........"

    The scenery in my view suddenly blurs.

    Looking closely, it seemed a single snowflake had flown in and landed in my eye as I was staring blankly out the window.

    The snowflake was incredibly pure and full of moisture, it was hard to believe that it was born from those gray clouds.

    I blinked a few times.

    The snowflake, having transformed into a single teardrop, slowly trickled down my cheek.

    Drip, drip.

    The parched earth, my skin, absorbed the moisture.

    "......Snow."

    "Snow? …Ah! It really is snowing outside? It''s the first snowfall this year, so it must be the first snow, right?"

    The world was beginning to be painted white.

    At this moment, neither the unique colors of the buildings nor the attire of passing pedestrians held any meaning.

    The sight of large, beautiful snowflakes, formed by smaller snowflakes clinging together in midair, were falling.

    The man in the gray coat walking absent-mindedly down the street, the woman with green hair who had been intently reading a poster on a fence, the child who had been running around excitedly, all stopped and looked up at the falling snow with blank eyes.

    Snow slowly accumulated on the streets, and new snow fell upon the snow that had already settled on the ground.

    And so, the snow began to pile up.

    Layer by layer.

    "...It’s snowing."

    Before I knew it, I was unconsciously extending my bandaged right hand out the window.

    Saelli, who had noticed faster than anyone else that I had gotten a cut on my hand while playing with a knife, had glared at my hand like a ghost.

    Unable to suck on my finger in front of everyone, she had used her clumsy medical skills, and the bandage that should have ended with wrapping my thumb ended up covering my entire right hand.

    When Sia had criticized her, she even got angry, saying that there was no need to conserve bandages when it was for the child.

    If someone were to look at me from outside the window, it would look like a bandaged hand had suddenly popped out.

    I wonder if anyone would notice, given that the arm wrapped in bandages has become similar in color to the snow.

    And with that hand, I was making a meaningless struggle to catch the snowflakes falling from the sky.

    Of course, I knew that the snow would melt immediately upon landing on my hand, that it would be absorbed into the bandage within seconds, but still, I couldn''t stop this foolish act.

    And, sure enough.

    Poof.

    After much struggle, a single snowflake finally landed on my hand.

    The snowflake that had been freely flying through the air soon disappeared on my hand

    Truly, like a dream.

    Even the traces of its existence, everything, was gone.

    —Pssss.

    "—Ah."

    The last sound the snow made.

    It was so sad.

    "Aris, do you want to go out and see the snow? Let''s go together, shall we?"

    "........."

    I was about to shake my head, but then I stopped.

    I had thought about just shattering the window and jumping out, or just staying in this spot and waiting for the end. Countless times.

    But still, wouldn''t it be better to go out and feel the snow, as she said, than to have the curtain close with the sight of a child curled up on the window sill, dying.

    That thought suddenly came to me.

    "...Okay."

    I looked up at the sky, filled with dark clouds that relentlessly poured down white snow.

    The reason snow falls.

    They say that the reason it snows is that it''s God''s attempt to make the dirty world look clean.

    Even if it was a futile effort, a world that would soon be stained black by its inherent filth.

    Even if it was destined to become a muddy mess, trampled underfoot.

    The pure white snow sacrifices itself so that people walking on the streets cannot know that they themselves are dirty people.

    In this way, the snow becomes a small salvation, liberating people from all that is dirty.

    Liberation.

    ...Yes.

    Liberation, that''s what it was.

    "—I, I want to go out."

    "…! Okay!! Let’s go out together, Aris!"

    With those words, I climbed down from the window sill.

    At my sudden change of heart, she could have been angry, but Remi just smiled, seemingly happy.

    Well.

    I didn''t have any particular reason to go out.

    I just felt like walking down the street, if only for a moment.

    **

    "—However."

    "I will not accept any objections."

    I spoke in the coldest, firmest voice possible to the man kneeling at my feet.

    If I showed even the slightest crack in my emotions, they would seize it and appeal to my heart, trying to sway my decision.

    I had originally planned to take only a minimal number of people, but the fact that I ended up with such a large entourage for this journey to the empire was all because of their scheming.

    Of course, behind it all were the instructions of my father and mother, but still.

    "I will take, at most, two people with me."

    "........"

    "I will not accept any more than that." S~ea??h the Novёl?ire.n(e)t website on Google to access chapters of novels early and in the highest quality.

    I didn''t need as many guards now that we had arrived at the imperial capital.

    Their help had been somewhat useful when we were traveling by carriage through forests where bandits and kidnappers lurked, but their presence was unnecessary here where law and order were well-maintained.

    Rather, the fact that they were openly operating here could be detrimental to international relations.

    And the only reason we''ve been able to move like this so far is largely because the empire, knowing everything, has turned a blind eye.

    Of course, I assumed that they too had prepared some countermeasures, but I hoped they would refrain from interfering any further.

    For the sake of a sincere and private moment.

    Between me and Remi, only.

    "...It''s starting to snow, after all."

    I looked out the window.

    The ominous clouds I had been sensing since yesterday had started to spit out white snow.

    I was reminded once again of the simple and clear truth that the world would never grant even my simplest wishes.

    "....Let''s go."

    The snow continued to pour down like a heavy rain.

    I set out on an uncertain journey outside the inn.

    **

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