TL/Editor: Butter Cat

    Status: 4/week mon-thurs

    Illustrations: none

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    〈 Chapter 82 〉 Chapter 82. Sowing.

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    Seven hundred meaningless lives spent wandering the world blindfolded in pitch-black darkness.

    Seventy lives spent simply drifting, not knowing where to go or my own’s destination.

    Seven lives spent chasing mirages that would only blur my vision, a destination I could never reach.

    In this eternally repeating life, I agonized, and agonized again.

    "—What am I living for."

    But that question, even now, after all this time.

    Continues on endlessly, forever, without ever being resolved.

    ***

    The sky that day was like any other, a cursed and resentful dawn sky.

    In that fleeting moment when the blue sky and the red daybreak blended together in the air, the color closest to death revealed itself.

    "—Grandpa, what are these seeds for?"

    "....Hmm? Oh! Hyena, you''re here!"

    Under that melancholic, purple sky.

    I slowly crouched down in front of Grandpa, who was sorting seeds with his old, wrinkled hands from early morning.

    "Are you coming back from helping people again? You''re so diligent, haha, I wish my own children were even half as kind as you."

    "......"

    The old man, his kind smile showing the passage of time, greeted me warmly. He seemed happy to finally have someone to talk to after a long while.

    One word from me, and several would come back in return.

    Was it because he was getting old.

    Or was it because he was a lonely and solitary man.

    "....No."

    Well, it didn''t matter either way.

    I was just listening to what others wanted.

    Grateful that I could be a small comfort to someone else, I continued speaking.

    Glancing up at the sky once.

    "—There was no one today."

    "Haha. I see, Hyena. That''s why you''ve looked so gloomy since earlier."

    I subtly shook my head at his question about whether I had been helping people again. I replied that I hadn''t seen anyone who particularly needed help today.

    The same mechanical routine every day. Quickly finishing my assigned tasks to earn enough money to survive, and then spending the rest of my time helping those in need.

    But in the early morning, when only a few diligent people ventured outside, a time far from the bustling lunch hour, it was unlikely that anyone would require the help of a small kid like me.

    And having confirmed that there were no lost children wandering around or starving people collapsing from hunger anywhere in the village that I could help with my abilities, I ended up having to spend time alone.

    To endure the painful, agonizing time.

    A time of idleness that would continue on indefinitely.

    I needed to help others quickly.

    I needed to give up everything I should enjoy, to atone for my past greed, and dedicate everything for the sake of others.

    My friends, my family and neighbors, the people of this village who raised me, the citizens of my country, everyone living in this world—I needed to help them, and help them again, and again.

    But why wasn’t it going well.

    Why was this emptiness only growing. Sёar?h the Novёl?ire.n(e)t website on Google to access chapters of novels early and in the highest quality.

    The reason why I had to do this had long since faded and worn away through repeating lives, and I couldn''t easily recall it, like a faded old photograph.

    But that sense of duty, that compulsion, had already become chains and shackles, tightly binding my soul.

    I would continue this act until my life was worn away, until nothing remained.

    But loving everyone was the same as loving no one.

    And saying that you want to be helpful to everyone is the same as saying you can''t be helpful to anyone.

    Especially if those actions weren''t even based on genuine goodwill towards others, but simply for one''s own satisfaction.

    It couldn''t become anything at all.

    Good deeds done for one''s own salvation are no different from a lump of lead coated in gold.

    It wasn''t much different from the unsightly actions of a loser trying to escape the sins they had committed.

    And yet, I, throughout seventy-seven lives, had continued to repeat this absolute worst behavior.

    Even if only ruin awaited at the end of these hypocritical actions, believing there was meaning in it and clinging to a thread of hope.

    That was how I had lived my life.

    But.

    No, of course.

    No matter how many good deeds I did, no matter how much I reduced what I ate and tightened my own neck.

    My heart remained unfilled, the corner of my heart that wouldn''t ignite, was still empty and void.

    Was there really meaning in what I had done?

    Was there truly any value in the help I offered out of a sense of obligation?

    Was I missing something?

    Like a jar with a broken bottom, no matter how much water I poured, my heart remained empty, only indifferent thoughts surfacing.

    And so I was falling into an endless hellish abyss of self-reproach.

    That''s when—

    "—Urgh, this is getting difficult now too."

    ".......?"

    Rustle, rustle.

    "Looks like it''ll rain tomorrow… Oh dear, my whole body is aching already."

    "....Ah."

    The sight of him diligently working on something in front of the flower shop caught my eye.

    —Tap, tap.

    "By the way, to think a little one like you would be curious about an old man sorting seeds, I''ve seen it all now. Haha!"

    ".......I was, just curious."

    Despite being at an age where his eyesight must be failing, as if the age was just for show, he was swiftly and accurately sorting seeds into the basket beside him while talking to me.

    His hands moved through the seeds like sifting through sand.

    The seeds caught one by one were tossed into the basket with holes and tears here and there.

    A small one.

    An unnecessarily large one.

    One with strange fluid stuck to it.

    Most of them were empty shells, hollow inside, while the rest were either rotten and blackened from water damage or broken.

    Seeds that must have dreamed of a bright future, of blooming beautifully and bearing fruit, when they were first born.

    But what becomes of the fate of those whose futures were twisted from birth, or by their surrounding environment.

    Would they simply be trampled upon and vanish.

    Or is there another future waiting for them.

    I, who had lived like a machine, simply helping others day after day.

    I, who wasn''t even allowed to question my own actions.

    It was a curiosity that came to me after a very long time

    But.

    "Most of the seeds in that basket will be thrown away."

    "....Thrown, away?"

    Despite my anticipation, the answer I received was a cold, heartless one.

    Even as he uttered those cruel words, ''thrown away'', his skillful hands continued sorting the seeds mechanically without slowing down.

    One by one. Without being remembered by anyone.

    Seeds that were rotten from the moment they were born.

    Seeds that had become unusable because they were improperly stored, regardless of their own actions.

    Seeds that had no choice but to fall, blown by the wind before maturing, all of them.

    —Swish.

    ".........."

    Were being swept away by his indifferent, wrinkled hands, devoid of any emotion.

    The old man continued speaking.

    "The completely rotten ones are useless, you see. Of course, it would be a waste to throw them all away, so we might roast or fry them to eat? But why do you ask?"

    ".........."

    "...Hyena?"

    But unfortunately, the rest of what he said didn''t properly reach my ears.

    That these seeds, these seeds containing a noble and glorious future, would all be.

    Thrown away without even properly blooming, disappearing without a trace.

    Only that thought was striking my mind.

    "...Why?"

    "Hmm....Well, because they''re empty, you see."

    Even at my single-syllable question, uttered with trembling lips, the response I received was the cold, heartless answer of society.

    Just because seeds that weren''t fully developed inside had a low chance of growing even if planted in the ground.

    Just because planting them would only take up space that could be used for other seeds, they were considered defective products.

    While handing over all opportunities to the glossy, well-filled seeds beside them, they had to end their lives without even being given a small patch of land to spread their roots.

    [''—You''ve never even tried.'']

    Opportunity.

    An opportunity that had been taken away and given to someone else.

    [''—I tried so hard, but you just trampled on everything, you ruined everything.'']

    —Crash!

    ".......!!"

    "...Oh dear!? Wh-what''s wrong!"

    Stolen opportunity.

    The moment those words came to mind, I was finally able to find the missing piece of the puzzle I couldn''t put together.

    The one piece that had remained unfilled even after I had put together all the other pieces.

    I was able to recover that last lost piece from within my memories.

    Why had I been doing these meaningless things all this time.

    Why had I been thinking I needed to help others all this time.

    Wasn''t it all to atone for the past, for the opportunities I had stolen and enjoyed from others?

    Yes.

    That''s right, that was it.

    People with outstanding talents and warm personalities.

    Even those who should rightfully succeed and be happy cannot properly spread their wings and were crushed by misfortune that came without discrimination.

    What I had to do was to become their stepping stone so they could succeed.

    To help bloom the one precious, noble and pure life they possess that cannot be exchanged for anything.

    That was my reason for existing.

    —Swish.

    "Give me those seeds."

    "...Huh?"

    I held out my hand.

    I could see the grandfather right in front of me making a confused expression at my words, words filled with an authority he had probably never heard from me before, but I didn''t care.

    Because I, with a bright smile that might be a first in this life, was opening up endless possibilities for my future.

    Now, and today.

    The long, long wandering and journey of a young child came to an end here.

    The destination that seemed like it would never exist, the mirage that grew fainter the more I reached for it, they were all revealing themselves.

    I had two legs, and knew which direction to go.

    All that remained for me now was to walk forward.

    "—I’ll, I’ll raise them."

    "........."

    I carefully held the broken and shriveled seeds in my cupped hands, bringing them close to my chest.

    As that small something touched my heart, I felt a sense of fulfillment welling up inside me, in a place I thought would remain empty forever.

    That feeling was so good.

    That I thought, I wouldn''t mind if my heart stopped beating right here, right now.

    Even as I hung from a noose, a gun barrel against my chest, and poison in my mouth.

    I could willingly sing a hymn of life, my hands clasped together, with such joy.

    —Squeeze…!

    "This is, a blessing."

    I tightly clutched the small, broken and shriveled seeds in my hand, lest I lose them.

    The warm pulse of life emanating from within, was guiding me towards the truth hidden within this world.

    The value of my life.

    The mission I had to fulfill. Everything.

    "I can see it."

    I could see it.

    **

    ".........."

    I opened my eyes wide.

    In front of me, with a small smile, was a black-haired woman looking at me with an expression mixed half with shock and half with concern.

    Han Sia.

    Living her second life, half-way into a heresy that shouldn''t be touched.

    In this life I couldn’t even remember the number of, the one closest to me.

    I opened my tightly closed mouth wide.

    "Sis Sia, I have a question."

    "....Alice?"

    I will ask you, you who once denied my way of life.

    I will ask you, you who are one of those who keep shaking my heart.

    The beginning of a crucial question that would determine the direction of our lives.

    The beginning of a grand prologue and epilogue.

    "A very, very important question. I really want you to answer it for me, Sis Sia."

    Now.

    Let us sing.

    Sis Sia.

    **

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