CHAPTER 120: BITTERSWEET SMILE

I sank into the chair beside him, clutching my bag tightly in my lap. I wanted to speak, to tell him everything I had buried all these years—all the apologies I had been holding back, but the words tangled in my throat.

Instead, I leaned forward, my voice barely a whisper.

"Hi, Cairo... Mommy’s here again."

The silence of the room wrapped around my trembling words.

I stared at his hand resting on the blanket, so small, so fragile-looking.

How many times had he longed for me? How many times had he asked where I was, only to be met with silence in return?

This time, I didn’t stop myself. Slowly, carefully, I reached out and laid my hand over his.

Warmth met my palm, and tears instantly blurred my vision. I held on gently, afraid of breaking him, yet unwilling to let go.

"I’m sorry..." The apology slipped out, broken and trembling. "I should have been here... I should have never left you."

My voice cracked as the weight of all those missing years pressed down on me. I felt Bern’s gaze on me, but he didn’t speak. He simply let me be.

For a long while, I sat there, clutching my son’s tiny hand, whispering silent prayers that he would forgive me when the day came that I had no choice but to face him awake.

But then, without warning, his fingers twitched faintly beneath mine.

My breath caught.

Cairo stirred, his lashes fluttering slightly.

And in that moment, I froze—torn between the desperate wish that he would stay asleep... and the aching hope that he would finally see me.

My heart slammed in my chest. That tiny movement of his hand made my whole body freeze in place.

"No... not yet..." I whispered under my breath, my fingers trembling where they held his. I still wasn’t strong enough.

But Cairo stirred again. His small brow furrowed, and a soft sound escaped his lips, half-breath, half-word.

"D... Daddy..."

My throat tightened painfully, and I forced myself to stay still, not to crumble right then and there.

I glanced at Bern, silently begging for help. But he only gave me a look that said he understood that this was the moment I could no longer run from.

Cairo’s lashes fluttered once more, and this time they stayed open. His gaze was hazy at first, wandering across the ceiling before shifting, slowly, toward me.

My world tilted violently. My lips parted, but no sound came.

Six years. Six endless years of absence and longing. And now here he was, awake, looking right at me.

His lips moved slowly, confusion etched across his face.

"...Who are you?"

The words tore my world wide open. I just stared at him, my lips trembling, unable to breathe, unable to speak.

I never thought it would hurt this much—to see my own son look at me as if I were a stranger.

I blinked hard, twice, trying to steady my breath, but every inhale was heavy, every exhale jagged. My mind was tangled, my heart clenching painfully against my ribs.

Then his gaze shifted to my trembling hand still clutching his. His brows knitted tighter, confusion flashing again in his eyes. Slowly, he turned to Bern.

"D-Daddy... who is she? How can someone be here? Did you hire her... as my nanny to take care of me?"

My chest constricted, a lump rising in my throat until I could barely swallow. I lowered my gaze quickly, unable to face him. Maybe this reaction was natural.

How else could he see me? To his eyes, I was a nobody. A stranger.

I thought I had dressed decently. But maybe I was still far from what he imagined his mother would look like.

"Son..."

I felt Bern move closer, his hand settling gently on my shoulder. He gave me the faintest squeeze, as if urging me not to shatter completely.

Cairo’s eyes darted back to me, his confusion growing more evident. "Daddy... why is she holding my hand?"

My heart stopped. My grip loosened, shame and fear clawing at me. But even as I tried to pull away, my hand refused to let go.

"Cairo... She’s... someone very important. Someone you’ve been waiting for, she’s your mo—"

"Yes. I am your new nanny." I cut Bern off instantly.

Bern froze mid-sentence, his head snapping toward me in disbelief.

"What...?"

I kept my eyes lowered, refusing to meet his gaze. My heart pounded so violently I thought it might burst.

Cairo blinked at me, his small hand still beneath mine, though I loosened my hold. "You’re... my maid?" he asked, tilting his head slightly.

"Yes," I forced the word out, my voice barely above a whisper. "I’m here to... help you and take care of you."

Bern’s jaw clenched, his disbelief giving way to frustration. "What are you saying, don’t—" He cut himself off, glancing at Cairo, who was watching us both with wide, innocent eyes.

He lowered his voice, leaning closer to me, his words meant only for my ears. "How can you say that? He deserves to know—"

"I can’t," I whispered back harshly, my throat tight with unshed tears. "P-please... not now."

Bern’s eyes darkened, his hand still on my shoulder tightening just slightly, as though he wanted to shake me out of the lie I had just spoken. But then he looked at Cairo again, and his expression softened.

Cairo yawned quietly, his little face relaxing as if exhaustion was pulling him back into sleep. His lashes lowered, though his voice was still faintly curious.

"Then... will you really take care of me, my maid?"

My lips trembled as I forced a small, wavering smile. "Yes... I’ll take care of you."

Bern turned away, running a hand over his face, his silence filled with everything he couldn’t say in front of Cairo.

And me—my chest ached with yet another lie.

"Then can you tell me your name?" Cairo asked.

I tried to smile as I gently withdrew my hand from his, afraid I might grip too tightly or worse, afraid I would never let go.

"I-I’m..."

My eyes flickered to Bern, who quickly averted his gaze, as though he couldn’t bear to witness another lie spilling from my lips.

"I’m Syl—"

"Syl?" Cairo repeated softly.

"Y-yes... just Syl would be fine."

I saw a brief flicker of curiosity in his eyes. But in the next moment, he gave me a small smile.

Cairo’s small smile lingered for a moment before his lashes began to droop again, sleep tugging him back under.

"Then, Syl... can you stay longer with me? Can I see you again tomorrow when I open my eyes?"

I couldn’t bring myself to answer. I didn’t know how. But I also didn’t want to tell another lie.

"O-okay... I’ll stay by your side tomorrow..."

I tried my best to give him my sweetest smile, though even I wasn’t sure if there was bitterness in it. I had just made another promise I wasn’t certain I could keep.

"Then how about the day after that, and the next, and the next? Will you still take care of me?"

My throat tightened painfully, a lump forming that I couldn’t swallow down.

I caught the way Bern’s jaw clenched before he turned his face away. He probably thought I was making another empty promise.

"Y-yes... I-I’ll try..."

"Okay. Then I’ll wait for you here every day, Syl." He smiled again before his breathing grew slower until his little hand went slack against the sheets.

I stayed frozen, staring at his face, memorizing the curve of his lashes, the faint crease between his brows, and the gentle rise and fall of his chest.

My son. My little boy. And yet... he had no idea who I was.

My lips parted as if to whisper his name, but the sound caught in my throat. I could only sit there in silence, trembling, while Bern’s shadow loomed just behind me.

When Cairo’s breaths evened, Bern finally spoke.

"Why?"

His question was heavy with both anger and hurt.

"Why would you do this to yourself—worse, to him?"

I swallowed hard, my eyes still fixed on Cairo’s sleeping face.

"Because I can’t... I can’t let him look at me and hurt him with just my presence. Not yet. I’m not ready."

Bern let out a harsh breath, dragging a hand through his hair as though trying to hold himself back.

"Not ready? He’s been waiting for you all these years. He asked for you every single night. And now you’re finally here—only to tell him you’re his nanny?"

Tears burned at the corners of my eyes, but I refused to let them fall.

"Don’t you think I want to tell him? Every part of me is screaming to hold him and never let go. But the moment he looked at me and didn’t know me..."

My voice cracked, and I pressed a trembling hand to my chest. "I broke, Bern. I can’t survive it again if I see rejection in his eyes."

Bern stepped closer, his voice softer now.

"Rejection? He’s a child, he doesn’t know. That’s not rejection—it’s confusion. But the longer you hide, the deeper you’re digging this wound, for both of you."

I finally turned to him, my tears threatening to spill.

"So what do I do? Walk in here, smile, and say, ’Hi Cairo, I’m the mother who left you’? Do you think he’ll just accept that? Do you think it’s that simple?"

Bern’s jaw tightened, his silence cutting deeper than any words.

For a long moment, only Cairo’s soft breathing filled the room. The weight of my lies pressed heavily against my chest, and I knew Bern was right. But knowing didn’t make me brave enough.

I brushed a shaky hand across Cairo’s hair, whispering so softly only I could hear, "Someday, my son... someday you’ll know everything... but please, don’t hate me."

Bern exhaled slowly. He crouched beside me, his voice quieter now. "You don’t have forever to wait, you know. He’ll need the truth sooner."

My fingers lingered in Cairo’s hair before I finally pulled away, curling my hand into my lap. My heart still breaking.

"I know," I whispered. "But before then... I need to heal myself first—so when he finally embraces me, I won’t hurt him even more."