I was wrong.

Up until now, I’d believed that my mother’s scowl was the most frightful thing I could see, and yet even her brows denting at angles which baffled physicians couldn’t match the horror now assured to haunt my dreams in the nights to come.

A dwarf shining in the dark.

“[Titan’s Embrace], [King’s Domain], [Adamantine Hide], [Nightingale Waltz].”

A violet miasma surrounded his figure as a litany of spellwork enveloped him.

He stood taller, prouder, haughtier, his beard practically jostling from all the magic seeping into every follicle of hair. An inviolable aura surrounded him like a gladiator sure of his own victory.

Against such a sight, all I could do was step back … and back … and more back.

After all–

“Puh.”

He casually spat to the side.

Just like that.

There was no vehemence behind it. No seething envy for my status. Simply a habitual, idle spit, as though instinct and experience told him to empty his jaws of phlegm before engaging in a brawl.

Yes.

There was no doubt about it.

The way he cracked his neck.

The way he rolled his shoulders.

The way he flared his nostrils.

It was the warm-up routine of a common thug.

He intended to murder me … but not before murdering etiquette first.

“Ah, there’s a better look on you,” said the dwarf, wearing a smile of triumph. “That’s right. What you fear is exactly what you see. I own more enchanted masterworks than entire kingdoms put together.”

At last, I realised the true extent of my opponent.

To date, even the worst of my foes respected the lowliest of expectations. But this was no common hoodlum. He was the hoodlum.

And if he could unleash his saliva to the side … then that meant he could do it in front of him.

I was horrified.

“S-Stop!” I said, hugging myself as I turned to the side. “Maintain your exact distance! Do not approach!”

The dwarf chuckled.

“Concerning, no?” he said, the satisfaction clear in his voice. “To wear so many items of empowerment usually results in a puddle of vomit. But dwarven constitution is no small thing, and mine is especially notable. An unfortunate accident involving a mage’s reliquary when I was younger, you see. My tastebuds have never quite been the same. But the result is I can now array myself like a king.”

He stepped towards me, ignoring my growing alarm.

As he parted his lips, I didn’t know whether it was to speak or to hurl something that would mean the instant forfeiture of my royal status.

“Quite unfair, of course. I’m certain someone like you has trained to use that fine sword by your side. But while there’s no substitute for hard work, there is to the endless training, sparring and headbutting.”

He leaned down to scoop up a pebble.

It crumpled into dust as he pinched it.

“Crowns,” he said simply. “The answer is always crowns. Enough that without enduring a tiresome training regime in some desolate valley, I now boast the might of a dragon–although in hindsight, I should have asked for something more modest. The negatives of immeasurable strength weren’t explained to me by the trolls. I’ve broken more tankards than I can count.”

I desperately searched for Coppelia. She was far better at dealing with hooligans than I was.

I found her sitting on a warehouse roof with her legs swinging off the edge. She cheerfully waved at me with both hands. I waved back, motioning for her to come rescue me.

She tilted her head in puzzlement.

After a moment, she clicked her fingers, dived into her pouch and took out an apple strudel. She pointed at it, to me, and then motioned eating to ask if I was hungry.

I pursed my lips.

Very well.

Next on her handmaiden training … teaching her the emergency sign language for help.

“I … I see,” I said, constantly inching further away. “So you merely bought power from trolls. How very imaginative.”

The dwarf mercifully paused, the amusement clear in his dark eyes.

“That is exactly what I did,” he said proudly. “I have bought, conned and fleeced my way to every scrap of power I have. Because that’s all it is. Something to be bartered and sold to the highest bidder. Happily for me, trolls are willing to offer discounts for repeated customers. Especially if they advertise their wares.”

A pair of daggers twirled in his hands where none existed before.

And then–

“[Venom Drop].”

He leapt with casual indifference.

Emboldened by whatever magic flowed through him, he struck with little concern for himself, his boots smashing against the ground as though to break it.

As the dwarf defied public perception to soar high above me, his twin blades flashed against the burning backdrop … and then continued to flash, scything the air before extinguishing themselves in the dirt where I’d been standing moments ago.

“[Blade Dance].”

Immediately hooking some of the ground with him, he acrobatically leapt backwards, his daggers striking all around him in a flurry of movement to carve the air where I’d been standing moments ago.

“[Twin Fang].”

He swivelled the second his soles deftly landed, both weapons slashing in alternating arcs as he viciously caught the air where I’d been standing moments ago.

“[Shadow Gale].”

Without pause, he pushed off his back heel and lunged in a straight line, his blades sweeping outwards to cleave the air where I’d been standing moments ago.

“[Viper’s Requiem].”

Before even coming to a stop, he swept around, his boots sliding, anchoring across the ground as he threw both his weapons, thoroughly murdering the air where I’d been standing moments ago.

Silence passed.

Slowly, very slowly, the dwarf straightened his back.

He gazed at the pair of weapons now stuck on a ‘No Loitering’ sign, his expression impassive.

And then–

A single bead of sweat ran down his temple.

“... How …  How did you … ?”

I blinked as I glanced back at his weapons, before returning to the dwarf whose eyes were starting to widen at the same speed that he’d attempted to repeatedly murder me.

The glow surrounding his figure dimmed. As it should do.

It was the most embarrassing advertisement the trolls had ever conceived.

“Ohohohohohohohohoho!!” I raised a hand to my lips, barely covering my smile. “M-My, how truly deplorable!! To think that all this time, you were being taken advantage of by trolls!!”

“Wait … this shouldn’t … how did … ?”

“Exactly! How did this happen? To think that someone who boasted about buying and conning their way through life could fall for the charisma of the world’s most shameless merchants!”

“No … that’s not … you should not have–”

“Goodness me! How truly deplorable! Perhaps you should ask for a refund on all your exorbitant magical counterfeits? Given how many you own, I’m certain even trolls will show pity! Would you like assistance? I have experience in such matters! … Ohohohoho!!”

The sound of my melodic laughter filled the air.

Indeed … here was the only joy that trolls had given me for free.

The sight of a dwarf realising he’d been utterly out-conned!

“The might of a dragon, you say! … And yet all I see is a groggy one! Did you just wake up from your 500 year nap? How absolutely awful of me! By all means, please go back to your slumber and I’ll return once you’ve fully woken! I wouldn’t wish for my murder to be so lackadaisical! … Ohohohohohoho!!”

The dwarf’s mouth opened and closed repeatedly.

He swallowed a large gulp, struggling to maintain even a straight posture as all vestiges of his assured demeanour vanished.

“W-Wait … that’s not … just how did you …”

“My, to think that trolls would fail to offer even a morsel of what you requested! Nobody deserves to suffer such public embarrassment! Rest assured, I shall seek compensation on your behalf! I’m certain they’ll pay handsomely to stop rumours of such terrible service from spreading!”

The dwarf stared at me.

His eyes then went to his rings, studying them with the same focus as the visitors to the Royal Villa forced to compliment a splodge of paint on the wall I once made and my father refused to have fixed.

However, far from seeking escape, he only wore a knowing smile.

“Heh … very well, then … I see how it is …”

He took a deep breath.

The moment he exhaled, his many items of jewellery no longer glowed.

They burned.

“My sincerest apologies, Miss Adventurer. It’s clear that it was no coincidence the guild sent you. It seems I should listen to my own advice. I will not underestimate you again.”

All of a sudden, the violet miasma surrounding him turned into every shade of a rainbow.

“[Titanic Embrace], [Infernal Pulse], [Unbreakable Vow], [Lionheart Surge], [Warbringer Strength], [Unburdened], [King’s Domain], [Adamantine Hide], [Winter Resolve], [Champion’s Focus], [Galecloak], [Stonewarden], [Thundering Might], [Nightingale Waltz], [Cinderforged Blows], [Truestrike].”

The change came at once.

As though he’d been stooping all this time, his chin rose several inches higher than it was before. His scarlet robes stretched at the seams as his muscles expanded. His eyes turned into wells of darkness as a malignant aura seeped from him … but worst of all was his beard.

Where it was neat and groomed before, it was now wild and unkempt.

I was utterly stunned.

This dwarf … why, he’d assumed his true form!

A hoodlum indistinguishable from any found causing trouble in a bar!

“Well done,” he said, his boastful voice like a drunkard already several tankards in. “It’s not often I’m forced to expend everything I have. But perhaps the guild can offer compensation. I am a legitimate businessman, after all. As for you, if I cannot stab you, then I’ll simply crush you. Dance all you wish, girl. You cannot escape. You cannot harm me. You are doomed.”

He stepped towards me, lumbering as though grown to the height of a giant.

He hadn’t. But what he lacked in size, perspective and workable schemes, he made up for in a complete lack of respect for my eyes.

Indeed, I took issue with him before … but at least his appearance was mildly presentable!

At this rate, he’d need to constantly remind me who he was just so I didn’t confuse him with his goons!

Cliiick. Cliiick.

Especially once he started cracking his knuckles.

To my horror, he adopted the posture of a trained background ruffian, fists raised in a pose that would have any maiden regret ever leaving their bedroom.

“You cannot be serious … do you mean to use your fists as a weapon?”

“Simplicity at its finest. A blade may fail. But a fist never does.”

I almost fainted on the spot.

Why, the absolute barbarism I had to deal with!

I was a princess! If I wanted to involve myself in a brawl, I’d do so using pillows and marshmallows!

“Hrrrrruuuuuuuunngggggghhhhh!!”

Sadly, as the hoodlum lunged with his mildly flaming fist already outstretched, it was with the brutal elegance of a badger digging up my orchard.

He didn’t care what he struck, so long as he made a dent.

And all I could do was groan.

Indeed, it was always going to be a fist or a ball of mucus. I just knew it. Against such an unworthy foe, there was no hope of victory. Only gruesome shades of defeat.

Thus, I waited with bated breath as he approached, the magic dancing around his figure.

And then I continued waiting … all the way as he trundled past where I’d been standing moments ago, swiping the air with such theatrical force that he had to catch himself from falling over.

He immediately swept around, his eyes wide open.

I stared. He stared.

And then–

“Hrrruuuuuunngggggghhhhh!!”

He struck again.

A blow so savage that it could halve a boulder.

Doing away with all thoughts of restraint, he struck with such force that when it smashed the air where I’d again been standing moments ago, all the other flames around us were snuffed out.

Once again, he caught himself from falling over, then looked at me over his shoulder.

His wide eyes blinked several times.

And then–he scrunched up both fists.

“Hrrrrrrrrrruuuuuunngggggggghhhhhhhhh!!”

This time, it was no lazy swipe.

He struck with the form of a seasoned pugilist.

Legs spaced apart, centre of mass lowered.

Alternating between fists, he lunged towards me in a flurry of blows, dancing side to side, backwards and forwards, dipping up and down, furiously jabbing at every part of my nose and chin. Over and over and over again, he relentlessly followed one strike with the next, pursuing me with single-minded determination as he roared like a wounded predator.

Until finally–

“Haah … hah … haah … haaaah …”

The dwarf looked up, his clammy hands resting upon his knees.

Oodles of sweat dribbled past his brows and into his wide open mouth.

He wiped his brows with the back of his hand, doing nothing but causing himself to wince as more sweat was encouraged to roll down.

“... W-What … ?” he croaked, his voice a breathless pant. “... Just … Just what are you … ?”

I stared down at the amalgamation of sweat and damp skin.

And then–

“Ohohohohhohohohoohoohoho!!!!”

I raised a hand to my lips once more. He flinched instantly from the movement.

I was impressed.

Why, that was the swiftest he’d moved … but perhaps that was only to be expected.

Pitiableness wasn’t something he needed magic to help him with, after all.

Thus, I decided to offer my kindness.

Calmly approaching the dwarf, I kneeled down slightly and leaned inches away from his terrified expression, soothing his worries with a gentle smile.

“Is it my turn now … ?”

His body trembled.

Even with his fists only a finger’s length away from me, he neither moved nor spoke.

He only gulped.

“Wait,” he eventually said. “We … We can negotiate.”

“Yes, we can. Here is my quill.”

I drew Starlight Grace from my side.

The dwarf paled as all the blood left his face.

“I … I have resources. Treasure. Crowns. If you let me go, I’ll let you take what you want.”

“Oh? You’ll let me?”

“You … You can have anything. Let’s just talk about this.”

“Indeed, let’s do that. We can discuss designs for soap.”

“S-Soap … ?”

“Soap. And also everything I’m now due to requisition. But you needn’t be concerned. I am no hoodlum. Why, it’d be unseemly if I were to leave without offering anything in return for all that you’ve conveniently left me.”

I stepped back with my sword raised. The dwarf finally whitened to chalk.

“No, wait, please, I promise that–”

“You may rejoice,” I said with a merciful smile. “For in every hoodlum, I see the chance for atonement. The lower you have fallen, the higher you may rise. So look upon yourself once again, and see not the past where dignity withered, but the dawn where pride takes root anew. Gardening Form, 1st Stance … [Summer Sculpting].”

I swept Starlight Grace forwards.

Using my oldest gardening experience, my sword became a flurry of movement as I carefully snipped away. My vision blanked as I retreated to the courtyard of the Royal Villa and the worst that summer could offer. The scent of warm leaves filled my mind and all that I should do with them.

After just a few moments, I stepped back and admired my handiwork.

A beard reshaped into a perfectly neat rectangle, just like the hedges of the courtyard.

… Ohohohohoho!

Indeed, here it was!

A technique honed to be as beautiful as it was efficient, allowing every leaf, every branch and every beard to be restored to a presentable standard!

Indeed, no matter how unkempt the dwarf’s appearance was, I’d fixed worse!

The road to redemption was laborious, sweaty and without lunch breaks … but there was no need for it to be uncomfortable.

Now whenever he despaired on Soap Island, he could simply look down and be renewed!

“Mmh,” I said with a pleased nod. “That’s better. How do you feel now?”

I waited for the dwarf to respond.

He didn’t.

All he did was stay completely still, his eyes white and rolled back.

I was appalled.

Why, I’d just done a personal service for this hoodlum! His beard was to be the crown jewel of every ruffian on Soap Island, ensuring that if they worked hard enough, they too could dream of being personally fixed by me!

… And so long as I didn’t need to worry about the very bright light shining from the side, that could continue to be the case!

Ignoring the drool coming from the dwarf, I glanced at the landship.

Or more specifically, the part of it where a very large and glowing cannon was now aimed towards me, directed by an insane elven woman wearing a very enthusiastic smile.

She waved–and so I dropped to the ground.

BWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMPH.

A heartbeat later, the world duly shook, a cacophony of deafening noise filling the cavern as bits and pieces fell around me.

Somewhere, a plume of flames managed to tickle the edge of my vision even as I stared into the darkness. Dust tickled the back of my legs and neck as I sensed a dockyard splintering into shouting and chaos. Footsteps hurried away in every direction.

All except a single pair skipping towards me.

I waited for the sound of things rolling around to stop, then slowly looked up.

The Snow Dancer was already there, her silver hair and highly satisfied expression framed against the flames as she beamed at me.

She kneeled ever so slightly, then tapped my nose.

“... You see? I’m useful!”