CHAPTER 58: THE GRUDGE

CIAN

I lay there staring at the ceiling. Sleep should have come easy. I was tired enough. But my mind would not shut up.

The room was dark now except for the thin line of moonlight that crept through the curtain. I could hear Fia breathing beside me. Soft. Even. She had fallen asleep quickly once the tension finally drained out of her.

I turned my head slightly and looked at her outline in the darkness. She was curled on her side, facing away from me. The blanket had slipped down her shoulder. I reached over and pulled it back up without thinking.

My hand hovered there for a second longer than it should have. Then I pulled it back and let it fall against the mattress.

I closed my eyes and tried to find sleep again. It did not work.

My thoughts circled back to the same thing. The marriage. The arrangement. The fact that I had bound her to me without giving her a real choice despite the growing chance that perhaps she wasn’t the villain in this story.

I exhaled slowly through my nose and turned onto my back again.

"You know why I believe I’m such a piece of shit of a person?" I said quietly.

My voice sounded louder than I meant it to in the silence. I did not expect her to answer. Part of me hoped she was still asleep.

"Even if your sister is this vile monster and was the mastermind behind us getting married, I cannot let you go." The words came out before I could stop them. "And it’s not because of love."

I paused. My throat felt tight.

"It’s because I’m selfish."

I turned my head toward her again. She did not move. Her breathing stayed steady.

"Especially now that it’s clear you make my mother happy." I swallowed hard. "I’ll only hold on to you tighter."

The admission sat heavy in my chest. I knew what kind of man that made me. I knew it was not fair to her.

"And I know it’s not fair," I said, quieter now.

I sighed and dragged a hand down my face.

"But I promise you, I will make it up to you somehow. Skollrend will owe you for a lifetime."

The silence stretched. I waited for something. A sound. A shift. Anything to tell me she had heard.

Nothing came.

I leaned forward slightly and looked at her face. Her eyes were closed. Her lips were parted just enough to let out those soft breaths. She was completely asleep.

A quiet laugh escaped me. It was more air than sound.

I reached over and fixed the blanket again, tucking it around her shoulders properly this time. Then I leaned back against the headboard.

"My promise still stands," I whispered. "Whether you heard it or not."

My wolf stirred in the back of my mind. Its voice came through low and irritated.

Just because you say it enough doesn’t mean you’ll believe it.

I ignored it and stared at the ceiling again.

This bond was blessed by the goddess, it continued. You can deny it all you want. That doesn’t change what it is.

I clenched my jaw.

"Shut up," I muttered under my breath.

My wolf huffed but went quiet.

I sat there for another moment before I pushed myself off the bed. My feet hit the cold floor and I walked across the room toward the dresser. My hand reached for the second drawer on the right. I pulled it open slowly, careful not to make too much noise.

Inside was a picture frame turned face down.

I stared at it for a few seconds before I picked it up and turned it over.

Even in the dim light, the photo looked back at me. It was me, younger by a few years. My hair was shorter. My face less worn. And next to me was a beautiful blonde woman with bright eyes and a smile that could light up a room.

She was looking at me in the photo. Not at the camera. At me. Like I was the only thing that mattered. Once upon a time, I was.

I felt my chest tighten. I couldn’t even say her name.

"I swore off love," I said quietly to the picture. "Nothing will change that."

She moved on a long time ago, my wolf said. Why won’t you?

I turned the picture back around and placed it face down in the drawer again. Then I shut it harder than I needed to.

"Me not wanting to hand over my heart to the next warm body has nothing to do with her," I said through my teeth.

Then what do you think it is?

"Skollrend needs a leader that is unshakable." I pressed my palms flat against the top of the dresser. "My claim to the pack is still dissented over by a few of my father’s family. I can’t afford distractions."

My wolf did not respond. It knew better than to push me when I got like this.

I stood there for a moment longer before the pressure in my head started to build. A dull ache spread from the base of my skull up to my temples.

I rubbed the back of my neck and walked back toward the bed.

Fia was still asleep. She had shifted slightly. One arm was tucked under her pillow now.

I looked at her one last time before I climbed back onto the mattress. I turned onto my side facing the wall and closed my eyes.

The ache in my head started to fade. My breathing slowed. The exhaustion finally began to creep in.

Then I heard it.

A whisper. It was soft if anything and right against my ear.

"But you can have me here."

My eyes snapped open.

The room was gone.

I was sitting in a chair. My wrists were bound to the armrests with thick ropes. My ankles were tied to the legs. I pulled against them instinctively but they did not budge.

"What the fuck?"

The air felt different. It was warmer. And it has a familiar musk. That scent... That sweet scent was stronger now. Almost overwhelming in a good way.

I looked up and saw her.

Fia.

She walked toward me slowly. Her hips swayed with each step. She was still wearing that babygirl nightdress. The fabric was thin. It clung to her body in all the right places. The hem stopped high on her thighs.

My mouth went dry.

She stopped in front of me and placed her right knee on my crotch. The pressure sent a jolt through me. My body reacted before my brain could catch up.

"What the fuck is happening?" I said.

She smiled. It was slow. Teasing.

"You’re dreaming, silly."

I blinked hard. My thoughts scrambled to keep up.

"I know that," I said. "But why would I be dreaming about you?"

She leaned forward and slid her hand behind my head. Her fingers tangled in my hair. Then she jerked my head forward hard enough to make my pulse spike.

Her tongue ran along my cheek. It was slow and deliberate enough that it almost counted as sexy.

Heat flooded through me and I hated my body for responding.

"It’s your dream," she whispered against my skin. "You know damn well."

My breath came faster. I tried to pull back but the ropes held me in place. She kept her knee pressed against me. The friction made my hips shift without meaning to.

"Fia," I said. My voice came out rougher than I wanted.

She pulled back just enough to look at me. Her eyes were dark and hungry.

"What’s wrong?" she asked. Her lips curled into a smirk. "You don’t want this?"

My jaw tightened. My body was screaming yes. But my mind was trying to catch up to what was happening.

"This is fucked up," I muttered.

She laughed softly. The sound was low and sent another wave of heat straight through me.

"You’re the one dreaming it," she said.

She leaned in again. Her lips brushed against my ear.

"So maybe you should stop lying to yourself."

Her hand drifted from my hair to my bare chest. Her fingers traced along my skin in a slow, lazy stroke that made my breath catch. She pressed her knee firmer between my legs and the sound that left me was low and raw, pulled out of me before I could hold it back.

"Fuck," I breathed.

She smiled against my neck.

"That’s more like it."

Her other hand joined the first. She dragged her nails lightly down my chest. The sensation made my skin prickle. My breathing turned shallow.

She pulled back and looked at me again. Her eyes searched mine.

"You can’t control everything, Cian," she said softly.

The words hit harder than they should have.

I stared at her. My chest rose and fell quickly. The ropes bit into my wrists. My body was wound tight. Every nerve was on fire.

She leaned forward one more time. Her lips hovered just above mine.

"So stop trying."

Then she kissed me.

It was not soft. It was not gentle. It was all heat and need and everything I had been trying to keep locked away.

I kissed her back without thinking. My mouth moved against hers. My tongue met hers. I pulled against the ropes again but this time it was not to get away.

It was to get closer.

She pulled back suddenly and I let out a frustrated sound.

"Patience," she whispered.

Her hands moved lower. Her fingers traced the waistband of my pajama bottoms. My hips bucked up toward her touch.

"Fia," I said again. My voice was barely more than a growl.

She smiled.

"I like hearing you say my name like that."

Her hand pressed against me through the fabric. The pressure made my head fall back against the chair. A groan escaped my throat.

"Fuck, Fia."

She leaned in close again. Her breath was hot against my ear.

"Wake up, Cian."

My eyes flew open.

I was staring at the ceiling again. My breathing was ragged. My heart was pounding. I could feel the sweat on my skin.

I turned my head and looked at Fia.

She was still asleep. Still curled on her side. Completely unaware.

I dragged a hand down my face and let out a shaky breath.

"What the hell," I muttered.

My wolf was quiet. For once it had nothing to say.

I lay there for a long time. My body was still wound tight. My thoughts were a mess.

Eventually I turned onto my side facing the wall again. I closed my eyes and tried to push the dream out of my head.

It did not work.

Her voice stayed with me. Her touch stayed with me.

And deep down I knew my wolf was right.

I was lying to myself.