Two and Half Men - Reborn as Jake Harper
Chapter 166: Wedding III
I glanced to the other side of the room and spotted Phil—he was far away from the main table, completely surrounded by several of Gloria's uncles. They were all laughing loudly, slapping him on the back like he was one of their own.
I raised my hand in a subtle wave. Carter, always alert, noticed the signal and walked over to me.
"Bring that idiot here," I muttered, pointing discreetly to the offending uncle.
Carter gave a small nod and moved off through the crowd with quiet precision. He reached the man—now standing alone—and placed a firm hand on his shoulder. With calm but unyielding pressure, Carter began guiding him through the crowd, straight toward me.
Carter kept his grip on the man's shoulder, firm enough to make him wince slightly from the pressure. When they arrived, Carter positioned him directly in front of me, never lifting his hand.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, man?" I said coldly, my tone sharp and unforgiving. It was clear I was referring to him patting Claire's butt.
"It's a Colombian wedding tradition," he said with poor English, trying to smile but sensing the tension.
I shot a look at Carter. Without hesitation, Carter understood and delivered a solid punch to the man's gut, making him double over and nearly collapse. He gasped, clutching his stomach, the air knocked clean out of him.
That sudden scene startled the three girls who were sitting with me at the table and were already watching the show (Paige, Alex, and Haley). Their eyes widened, shocked by what they had just seen. (thanks to our seats to be in the left corner, none seems to notice)
"¿Qué tal si mi compañero y yo participamos también? ¿Dónde están tu madre, tu esposa y tus hijas?" I said in Spanish
("How about my partner and I join in too? Where are your mother, your wife, and your daughters?")
"No te atreverías." ("You wouldn't dare.")
I made another subtle gesture. Carter, without hesitation, drove another punch into the man's gut, even harder than the first. The man nearly collapsed on the floor, his legs buckling as he wheezed in agony, on the verge of fainting.
"Tuviste suerte de que lo hiciste con Claire. Si hubiera sido mi madre, no tendrías esa mano mañana. Ahora, vuelve con tu familia y adviérteles que no hagan algo estúpido. Después, regresarás aquí para asegurarnos de que no puedas usar esa mano durante unos meses. Y si no regresas, una mano rota será el menor de tus problemas." I whispered to him, put my hand in his shoulder
(You were lucky it was Claire. If it had been my mother, you wouldn't have that hand tomorrow. Now, go back to your family and warn them not to do anything stupid. After that, you'll come back here so we can make sure you won't be able to use that hand for a few months. And if you don't come back, a broken hand will be the least of your problems.)
"I forgot how scary an angry Jake could be…" Paige spoke.
"That was fantastic, it was like in a movie," said Haley, still wide-eyed.
"You approved?" I asked, a little surprised to Alex, seeing her give an approving nod.
"I'm against violence, but what he did to my mother was disgusting. That was harassment. He deserved it," Alex replied.
After a while, DeDe—Jay's ex-wife—raised her glass with a dramatic gesture.
'Oh boy. Because of that idiot, I forgot about this...' I thought to myself
"I would like to make a toast. To the bride and the groom, my ex. Thirty-five years we were together, and he couldn't wait ten minutes to run off with Charo."
Murmurs rippled across the tables, a few awkward chuckles joining in. From somewhere near the band, a quiet ba-dum-tss from the drums punctuated the tension.
DeDe continued her rant, raising her glass slightly higher. "Seriously, I knew they were perfect for each other when I saw his wallet and her boobs."
I muffled my laugh, trying not to draw attention, but Haley and Alex both shot me ugly looks.
"What? That was a good one. A very offensive one, but a good one nonetheless," I whispered to them. Gramma was not as subtle as me, as I could see her laughing without shame.
DeDe swayed slightly and barked, "Take your hands off me," trying to escape from an invisible man. Two voices called out in unison, "Mom." "Mom."—Claire and Mitchell.
DeDe then turned to Mitchell, who had stepped in front of her. "Oh, relax, Mitchell. What, did you take your Claire pill?" she mocked.
Phil, sensing trouble, placed a calming hand on Claire's shoulder, subtly holding her back from marching over.
A short time later, Phil stepped in to help Mitchell and Cam escort DeDe outside. With Mitchell and Cam holding her by the arms and Phil carrying one of her legs, they awkwardly lifted her. As they carried her out, DeDe flailed and cried out, "I'm Gloria. I'm Gloria. Kiss me. Oh, hey, kiss me."
On the way out, she knocked over the wedding cake, sending a gasp through the crowd as frosting and layers collapsed across the floor.
DeDe still wasn't done. As she was carried out, she began yelling, "Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi! Ooh! Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!" in a shrill voice, flailing dramatically until she finally disappeared from view.
The moment becomes very awkward
"I would like to make a toast too," I said, taking the mic that one of my bodyguards brought over to me. "Now the witch is gone, but I don't know how to appease the bride with words. So I will sing." I gestured with my hand for everyone to rise. A few waitresses helped encourage people to stand up.
Then I began to sing, as a soft melody started playing from the band—I had already arranged the rhythm beforehand with one of my guards:
Darte un Beso (Prince Royce)
♪Amarte como te amo es complicado
Pensar como te pienso es un pecado
Mirar como te miro está prohibido
Tocarte como quiero es un delito♪
"Come on groom, or you will be without the honey, only with the moon," I paused briefly, motioning for Jay and Gloria to join me on the center of the dance floor, and continued singing.
♪Ya no sé qué hacer para que estés bien
Si apagar el Sol para encender tu amanecer
Falar en portugués, aprender a hablar francés
O bajar la Luna hasta tus pies♪
♪Yo solo quiero darte un beso
Y regalarte mis mañanas
Cantar para calmar tus miedos
Quiero que no te falte nada♪
♪Yo solo quiero darte un beso
Llenarte con mi amor el alma
Llevarte a conocer el cielo
Quiero que no te falte nada♪
♪Yeah♪
Little by little, the awkward moment was fading, replaced by a fun and dancing vibe
♪Si el mundo fuera mío, te lo daría
Hasta mi religión, la cambiaría
Por ti, hay tantas cosas que yo haría
Pero tú no me das ni las noticias♪
♪Y ya no sé qué hacer, para que estés bien
Si apagar el Sol para encender tu amanecer
Falar en portugués, aprender a hablar francés
O bajar la Luna hasta tus pies♪
♪Yo solo quiero darte un beso
Y regalarte mis mañanas
Cantar para calmar tus miedos
Quiero que no te falte nada♪
When I finished, loud applause filled the room. I saw that Jay and Gloria's expressions had completely changed into ones of joy. I said, "Two more songs in Spanish—Bailando and Despacito," signaling that I would sing them next.
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